Waveback Wednesday.

Today, I thought of everything. I tried to remember every good memory, every sweet moment, every deep conversation... I tried to recall everything, everything that made me latch on you. 

I closed my eyes as I try to remember the awkwardness of our first meeting. I exhaled deeply as I recalled the first time your head tried to find a comfortable spot on my shoulder. I still had goosebumps while remembering how gently you whispered words on my ears while we were at the cab. The soft kisses, the way you held my hand, the hugs, the songs you sang while we were together, the late night conversations, the long phone calls. I remember it all. I still remember everything. Everything. I remember all the good things about us. About you and I. 

As much as I wish to leave out the sad things, it's impossible. And I know I will remember it all, the way I remember all the good things about us. About you and I. I will always remember the unsure moments, the moments of confusion, the moments we tried to right what we both knew was wrong. I will remember how you chased me that one time. I will not forget the pain and dismay that was evident in your eyes. I will not forget the way I chased you like a helpless child running after a butterfly. I will not forget. I will never forget. 

Now that we're back to being the strangers we once were, I wish I could tell you in person how thankful I am for everything. I wish to tell you that I'll be okay and that I'm trying to be happy for you... That though things between us didn't end well, I don't hate you. I can't hate you. There's no room for hate in my heart anymore. Sadness, disappointment, and pain already filled up the spaces.

So today, I am trying to smile while waving back one last time to all the good and bad things about us. About you and I. Goodbye. 

Blah. Blah. Blah.

Earlier today, I looked at myself in the mirror. I realized I put on some weight. The bags under my eyes are darker and bigger. My hair has gone dry and almost with split ends. 

Pathetic. Fat. Ugly. Wasted. Defeated. Lost. I am all these things. 

Well, not that that's something unusual. What do you expect from someone who'd rather spend time writing about how her life is messed up instead of just finding ways to redirect it? To simply put it, I don't like the person I saw. 

Teach me how to love myself. Someone, please? I NEED TO LEARN. ASAP.

Exiting the Love Purgatory.

Been here for quite some time. It's no fun here. All I had were moments of uncertainties, unclear messages, double meanings, sarcasm, second-guessing, and et cetera.

But earlier today was like another moment of epiphany. I think I found my way out. I think I finally saw the light at the end of the tunnel. I just got to follow it and I'll be better.

Anyway , thank you. Now I can slowly walk my way out of here.