Topsy-turvy.

The past days have been a rollercoaster of emotions. After a brief moment of feeling like perhaps everything is going to be okay.. That there is still that chance that we'll be okay, things will begin to crumble again. Then I'll be back to the pathetic version of my self... The stubborn side of me that keeps waiting for the time when you'll pull me closer shortly after you've pushed me away because I always knew you would. We're like strangers who have a deep history and knew so much about each other. We just know that even after the almost endless exchange of dramatic replies, the goodbyes we throw to each other every once in awhile, the days we don't talk at all whilst pretending to be busy moving on with our own lives, we'll just come back to each other. No matter how melodramatic things get between us, we always find our way back to each other. We always do. We always come back to trying to work things out. We always go back to hurting each other. We always go back to trying to forget. We always go back to being happy. We always go back to starring on our private teleserye. We always do.

I always thought that after everything I've been through, I'll be better. I actually thought I got better. I thought I got wiser but it turned out that I just became more complicated, more stubborn, more complex.. I got too complex beyond my own understanding. Like a paradox-personified, I am stubborn enough to still go on when I always knew that it would do me no good. I always ask myself why can't I let go of my "what if" and "what could have been" thoughts about us. Why can't I completely let go.. Why can't I move on? Why despite of everything, I can't just walk away?

Wait... 

I still love you. Oh f*ck. I really still do.

Wolverine.

Odd title, eh? 

Well, odd as it may seem, I feel like I am Wolverine. Wolverine can heal himself right away. There's almost nothing you can do that he cannot deal with. The irony though is that he's  super strong but beneath those tons of muscles is a heart that's still soft and beating and as human as it can be. I feel that I am like that too somehow. Prolly because I'm the type of person that you can hurt over and over again but will find ways to cope with it and after everything, will not stop caring. Like a masochist, after some beating, I may even end up caring a little more. It's like my heart has an auto-heal ability like Wolverine's but not as fast as his, of course. Actually, not fast at all. 

Thing is, I mask myself with the fascinating idea that I am strong... That no matter how f*cked up things may get, I can take it... That no matter how poorly I am treated, I will choose to be understanding... Maybe that's the reason why others think it's okay to hurt me, to not make me their priority, to make me wait, and worse, to just leave me on my own. It's like they know me well enough to feel assured that no matter what they do, no matter what happens, and no matter the circumstance is, I will be there for them. Because that's how strong I appear... Because that's how strong I pegged myself to be... I made them believe that I can take all the bullsh*ts they throw on my direction and hear me say, "it's okay." However, the painful truth is that every time someone makes me feel like sh*t, I break inside into million tiny pieces. I feel my bones get brittle and all my organs swell. I feel my tear ducts almost explode in pain from feeling so worthless. I feel every muscle inside of me melt slowly like a wax placed beside a flame. I feel my tendons snap like a rubberband altogether almost creating a sad melody that only I can hear.

I.FEEL.LIKE.I.AM.SLOWLY.DYING.

And the sad thing is, nobody notices because nobody cares enough to really look at me. Nobody cares to read between the lines. My lines. Nobody cares enough to tell me that it's okay to be weak... That it's okay to break... That it's okay to just scream and cry. 

So now that I'm starting to get used to it, I will just do what I do best. To hell with the heartless, I will just continue being my own version of Wolverine.

Stupid. Stubborn. Strangers.

We have our whole lifetime to be strangers so why are we starting too soon? As rhetorical as this question can get, the truth in it is undeniable. 

Stupid humans, wanting things they can't and no longer have. Still wanting things even though it's clearly not (good) for them. Stubborn human race. But no matter how stupid and stubborn we all humans are, that's what make being human a little more interesting and less boring. 

I've reached my quote of non-sense. Sleep, I'm coming.

Fading

I want to tell you I miss you but what good will it do? With the numerous times you've made me feel dispensable, I know doing so will only be pointless. 

How I wish finding answers to my "why" and "how" questions is as easy as typing keywords online and wait for Google as it loads the answer. But I can't google your mind. If I can, maybe I already raped the search button so many times.

So I guess there's nothing left for me to do but this... do nothing. Do nothing as the days go by without a word from you. Do nothing as we both get used to not talking to each other anymore. Do nothing as we move on with our lives. Do nothing as you forget about me. Do nothing as I try to forget you even though I know I can't. Do nothing as the memories of you and I fade in the shadows of what ifs and what could have beens. 

Oh f*ck, I miss you.

What a journey it has been.

Like a line from a song, what a journey it has been. Whew! But I survived! Well the pain hasn't completely gone yet but it's more manageable now. I tried to stay away from this page coz I felt like I needed to stop writing. For the first time in so many years of writing my heart out in this page, I felt like it wasn't helping me... Instead of helping me move on, it's making me victimize myself more. Now I am back coz I am better. I feel better. Not completely okay but at least, better. Still broken but better. Still bitter but a little better. 

It's already July so what's the plan? Well, I guess it's never too late to finally and seriously go through my plans. This month until next month, I plan to get my student driver's permit and enroll in a driving school. And if schedule permits it, I will try to learn how to play the guitar. Words words words. Hopefully I will be able to achieve these. 

See, I'm back to writing nonsensical stuff now. It just proves that I'm back to the new old me. 

Laters, baby.