Summer of '98

It was during the summer of '98 and I was twelve back then. I would always hangout inside an abandoned jeepney just a few blocks away from our old house with my superfriends - Pia, Love-Love, and Bebot. We would always do, talk and write down crazy stuff that I couldn't recall anymore. All I remember was that jeepney was a witness of lots of crazy and fun memories of that summer of '98. We were just young girls biking around the village every afternoon hoping to get a glimpse of our crushes. We watched all the basketball games during the summer league of '98 because that's where all the cute guys are. We, just like most girls our age, secretly giggled a lot about the cute boys in the village.

I was just twelve. He was sixteen. He was tall. He was lovely with his hair almost covering his eyes. He was the best basketball player during that summer league of '98. He was such an eye candy. Other girls would always sit beside their bench and would always come and talk to him after every game. Me? Well, I was there too. I was there at the other side of the court with my friends. We would always go there early so we can sit at the bench directly opposite theirs. We never missed a game. I was always there with my silent cheers securely hidden in the sound of every applause I made everytime he would do something cool. I was there... just there watching him in awe from afar. He was a beauty in motion. It was crazy how I always manage to watch him in slow motion despite of how fast he runs from one side to the other. I was a twelve year-old fan girl. I was just twelve when I had my biggest crush. He was sixteen and he was my biggest crush. He was my eye candy. 

It was during the summer league of '98 when I first saw him. I was just twelve back then. It was that same summer when it happened. I was walking my way out of the court with my friends like we normally do after all the games when I heard an unfamiliar voice shouting my name. I saw this kid from another block running towards our direction. He was almost out of breath. What could he possibly need so urgently from me that he had to run as fast as he did? It took him a minute or so to catch his breath and finally told me what he needed. "May gustong kumausap sayo. Hintayin natin," were his exact words. I remember being oblivious. Well, what can you expect? I was just twelve.

It was during that summer of '98. I was just twelve. It was the first time I felt butterflies stampeding inside my "what-used-to-be-flat" stomach as if forcing their way out of my body. Before I could even ask who it was who wanted to talk to me, I saw him walking towards our direction. Could it be? Was it him? I felt a totally different and totally strong sense of panic. It would be the first time that I was actually presented an opportunity to see him upclose. However, at the time, I didn't think I can handle it. What do you expect? I was just twelve. So I just looked down on my bike acting like I was checking on something. I was planning to continue doing so until after he pass by. I felt my heart beat intensely that I could almost hear it. And as he gets nearer, my panic grew stronger. I tried to calm myself by reciting a mantra I created on the spot - "Mabilis lang yan. Lalagpas din agad." 

I was twelve. It was during that summer of '98 when I saw him upclose for the first time. Apparently, he was the one that the kid from another block was talking about. He was sixteen when he said he wanted to talk to me. I was twelve and he was sixteen when we were formally introduced to each other. It was during that summer of '98 when he asked for my landline number. I was twelve when I thought that he doesn't even know that I exist. I was twelve and he was sixteen when he first saw me. I was twelve when he would secretly look at me while I was not looking. I was twelve and he was sixteen when he saw me at the bench opposite theirs. He was sixteen when he watched me laugh and giggle with my friends from afar for the very first time. It was during that summer of '98 when he kept wondering how my laugh sounds. I was twelve and he was sixteen when he realized he wanted to know everything he can possibly know about me. I was twelve and he was sixteen when he told me all of these. 

I was twelve and he was sixteen and it was during that summer of '98 when I had my first and last summer fling. I was twelve and he was sixteen and it was a beautiful and memorable summer of '98. 

I remember my excitement whenever I would see you around. I remember  how while you're walking I would wait for you to look my way because I love how your face would brighten up whenever you see me and you would stare at me until I feel conscious and uncomfortable because you know perfectly that it's exactly what will happen and that I hate it when you do that.

And today, I saw you in your uniform looking sharp and manly as always, holding a black tote bag, striding with the wind blowing against your direction. As I watched you move further away, I can't describe what I felt.

Well, how do you describe nothing?

I Remember. Yes, I Remember.

It was in summer of last year when my relationship with my boyfriend went on the rocks. We both had issues - mostly personal ones that we had to deal with that time. Looking back, I can say that the issue came from my end. I was dealing with a personal issue for so long during that time... I've kept that to myself for too long until one day I realized that I don't know myself anymore, or what I want or need to do in my life. I kinda blamed my boyfriend for it and I felt like he didn't fully understand what I was going through and what he had to do with it. So I asked for space out of fear that one day I'll wake up hating him and loving him no more. However to him, it was either way painful and it (asking for space and breakup) almost meant the same. Prolly, to take away all the complications that he can, he took the liberty of asking for a breakup, w/c out of stupidity, I granted.

Tears fell as the weeks passed. We were both in pain... our families were too. I remember my mom would cry with me at night. And during the weekends at LB, my anak-anakans would cry with me too. His sibs would text me everyday just to ask how I was. Everybody who have been a witness of our great love story were all very affected. To have witnessed us grow together in the stretch of four years and six months, they all felt like they have to do something to help us work things out. But they just ended up feeling helpless.

I kept myself busy with my work. Erik, on the other hand, diverted all his attention to dancing. He got his dancing career going good and slowly he was recognized by the dance community. He was often invited to conduct dance classes in the metro. It's what kept him busy during the weekends... the weekends that we were supposed to spend together if we hadn't broken up.

Knowing him, I know he will put whatever it is that he feels to his dancing and so I was watchful of what song he will use in his classes because at that time, it was my only way of knowing. Yes, we were not talking. Of course, I was right. Guess, I know him pretty well. june 28 gave me the validation that I needed. Erik hates me and just like me, he's in so much pain. He used Keyshia Cole's I Remember. The moment I saw in Multiply that he's going to use that song, I immediately googled it and the next thing I know, I was crying nonstop. I called in sick at work the following day because my eyes were totally swollen. I was a mess.

Yes.. I Remember. That was the song that made me ache as if my heart was cut into pieces or maybe worse than that. I felt like a huge part of me died. Then, I turned numb. It was that song. Yes, it was that song that gave me the most excruciating pain in the history of breakups. Few days after that, i got used to the presence of pain. There were no more tears. What can be more painful than seeing him dance all his pain and hatred out, right? what can be more painful than the message of that song.

I remember when my heart broke.
I remember when I gave up loving you.
My heart couldn't take no more of you.
I was sad and lonely.
I remember when I walked out.
I remember when I screamed I hated you.
But somehow deep inside I'm still loving you.
I'm sad and lonely.

See what I mean? I almost gave up because of this song. But I'm glad I didn't. I was able to use the numbness I have to my advantage. I tried to get him back but he kept rejecting me telling me he's not sure if he still wants to. But I kept on trying anyway.I wasn't feeling any pain anymore kaya malakas na malakas na ang loob ko. I practically have nothing to lose. Oo, hinabol ko sya. Pinaglaban ko ang pagmamahal ko. And I'm glad that I did. Because one day, he came to me and I was full of tears with arms wide open.

I still burst into tears whenever I hear or think of this song during the first months after we got back together. It was a song that I cannot avoid because it was one of his best works. And as the months passed, I find myself gradually coping with the situation. There were no longer tears but there's still a little bit of pain. And today, I accidentally heard this song again in my player and there was no pain at all. I just found myself smiling to the memories this song has in me.

I Remember. This song will forever be a part of me. It will forever be a part of my history. It will forever remind me of the things that I learned in love and life. Above all, it wil remind me that in my life, I have learned to love FOREVER.

ERIK'S Choreography to Keyshia Cole's I REMEMBER