Betrayal

a balloon waiting to burst.
a zit waiting to pop.
a bacterium waiting to multiply.
a secret waiting to be revealed.
a chaos waiting to happen.
a story waiting to be told.
a fire waiting to spread.
a pain waiting to strike.
a tear waiting to drop.
a dream waiting to die.
a patience waiting to end.
a heart waiting to stop.
a love waiting to fade.
a trust waiting to break.

sometimes

Sometimes, I think about the past and wonder what it would have been like if I did not give you my number. Will we still get the chance to talk and be friends? Will we still fall in love?

Sometimes, I wonder what if you didn't notice me during that event. Will there still be another time where the same thing will happen? Will you still ask about me?

Sometimes, I wonder if we hadn't met the way we did, where we did, and when we did... will our paths still cross?

Sometimes, I wonder if I never let you go, will we still be together?

Sometimes, I still think of you. But most times, I try not to anymore.

untitled. unlabeled.

I burned the bridge into ashes and stopped looking your way.
Bored a hole on my being and successfully flushed out your name.
Crushed the songs you usually sing and and threw all the lyrics away.
Painted my view with bright happy colors and used gray to blur your face.
Inhaled the fragrance of a fresh start and made sure that it’s your smell that I exhaled.
Abandoned the garden of our memories and used my pain to build a gate.
Filled the sky above it with clouds of pent-up emotions and put some tears so it would rain.
Transformed my regrets into thunder and made lightning out of my despair.
Now that I successfully transformed all my hurt, there’s only one thing left to make.
I shall take one last look of this painful masterpiece and then finally walkaway.

Of honesty and broken pieces

Tonight, with all the broken pieces of honesty that I have patiently kept just for this moment, I will to tell you that I am broken. I am broken inside and out, in so many pieces, in so many levels, and in so many ways. I am beyond repair. Tonight, I will tell you this as if it's something that you don't already know; as if it's something that doesn't have anything to do with you; as if it's something that you didn't do. I just really want to tell you.

I would give up everything I have just to get even just a tad bit of strength to put my tiny pieces back together. I would do it even if it meant giving up all my broken pieces since right now, it's literally all that I have. The sad truth though is that even if I was strong enough, I wouldn't know how to do it. I wouldn't know what needs to be done. I'm not even sure if I will want to do it. I've been broken for so long that I already forgot what it feels like to be whole. It's like the idea of it has become more and more unfamiliar with every time that I felt like I wasn't worth it at all.

There were some odd days though when I would feel like I finally figured this out only to realize in the end that I wasn't even half right. Crazy ideas would surface once in awhile perhaps out of my sheer stupidity and desperation. And every time it will happen, I would end up being thankful that I wasn't strong enough to do anything. Otherwise, I would have just caused more pain and more trouble.

So tonight, I decide to give up and to give in. I am already tired in my so-called quest to healing. Hence tonight, I will remember everything and feel everything once again. Tonight I will no longer deny that I am stuck in what seems to be a never ending story of how loving has broken me. Of how it is still breaking me. Tonight, through these words of brokenness that I managed to piece together, l wish that you will finally realize that I have not stopped breaking. That as much as I would like for this to end, my broken pieces will not be broken enough. It will continue breaking into smaller pieces over and over again. This is perhaps the reality that I  must accept. So tonight, as I unwillingly give in to the bittersweet reality of how much I have loved you; of how much I still do, I shall embrace this because I have finally come to realize that this is my reality. So tonight, like all the other nights that have gone and the nights that are yet to come, I will love you with all my broken pieces. I will love you as if every broken piece is whole. I will keep on loving you and I will keep on breaking. I will love you until all my broken pieces break into something that can no longer be recognized.

Or maybe even after that.

pms writing

Been feeling extra sensitive and extra emotional lately. Maybe this is just pms talking.. errrr, writing. In ordinary days, the only tweets you'll see on my account would be the ones I cross post from my IG. But now, I've just posted my seventh tweet for the day. I repeat, seventh.

Odd as it may seem but today, I really feel like a pail filled with water... so full that even the slightest of movements can and will cause spillage. And like any liquid, volatile as it naturally is, it will eventually go away on its own. It will evaporate on thin air and will leave no trace. Like nothing really happened. Like I never said anything. Like I never felt anything.

I am not word vomiting, am I? PMS, go away.

UNTITLED

I really wanted to write last night to somehow release this depression. But I know myself too well. I may end up writing something that I wish I didn't. So I let the moment pass before I decided to blog about this. I don't want to go in to details anymore, though. Wow, parang si KC lang. Hehe. 


I need someone to talk to or so I thought. But I realized it'd be pointless. It'd just be a waste of time for the people who knows what I'm going through right now because they'll just be hearing and saying the same thing. And it's tiresome too, you know. Hearing the same thing from different people. I'm tired of being told of my stupidity or martyrdom or whatever this can be called. So I preferred to stare on this lifeless monitor that won't even console me. Blogging has always been one of my refuge at times like this. I just hope it hasn't lost its magic yet. We'll see.

Ay Em Paking PAGOD =(

1) Of nursing all these "why" questions.

2) Of hoping that things will get better.

3) Of feeling inferior.

4) Of understanding things that I don't really know.

5) Of feeling fat and unpretty.

6) Of feeling that I'm never good enough to get what I want.

7) Of hearing pleas and excuses of why things are the way they are.

8) Of feeling like I am non-existent.

9) Of waiting for nothing.

10) Of being stubborn.

I really need to be slapped in the face. True friends, where you at?

Slap me, please. Slap me f*cking hard.

♥

Pesteng Love yan!
Ang sakit sa ulo!

i miss you.

I miss you. Oh yes, I definitely do.
Wala e, ganun na lang. Wala na lang magawa.
Define helpless.

My mind's so tired already. I need a rest, a gooood looong rest.

I have an appointment tomorrow at Meralco. It will be my final interview. Wish me luck.


I can't write anything decent. I just feel so exhausted. I need a rest.

moments of sadness here and there

Marsobente. Less than 24 hours to go, I'll be another year older. So yesterday, took time to reflect again (for the nth time) and try to see the kind of person I have been since my last birthday. I'm not gonna share the details of this one for two simple reasons. Number one, it's too personal and number two, I'm not proud of it because to give you a clue, it's kinda disappointing. Tomorrow's my birthday and I should be excited and happy. But I'm not and I really can't write about why. Doing it would be like a social suicide. Clue is that everything's kinda messed up in my life right now. Oh well, what's new. I just wish that I'd have a nice day tomorrow. It just comes once every year after all, sana ibalato na sakin 'to. One favor please... wish me a happy birthday.

On thesis, problems, and disappointments...

Had "the" talk with my mom again. No changes. I still went blank the moment she popped the biggest question of my life. Argh. I'm working on my plans now unlike the first time, though. Things are still hazy for me right now. My life's much like a hair that sucks big time - full of tangles. So many dead ends. I'm beginning to be hard on myself even though I know it wouldn't help me at all. I'm only one step away to the very end of all these chaos in my life but I can't seem to move. I'm stuck. Can it be more obvious? It's so friggin' frustrating.

My state of mind right now suggests that "if ever" someone coincidentally asks me of what I'm good at, my first answer should be screwing up. I'm already 21 and will soon be 22 in months time but I can't seem to handle things like these the way an adult should. I always end up screwing. Can I not screw up, for a change? Seriously.

I'm so stressed out. I've got so many things to do... so many things to deal with... and all those are pushing me to the very edge of my limits. I feel like I'm hanging by a thread. What's worse is that, it's not the fragility of the thread that worries me . It's my utmost want to give up. I'm sooooo tired.

After all the contemplation that I did, I managed to strategize my way out of all these bullshit but whenever I am that close to escaping, something always... as in always happens. It's like everything I try to do to fix my fucked up life is doomed to fail. I don't really know what's up. I'm beginning to think that I'm cursed though I'm really not a believer of urban legends. Is this all happening to me because of a chain text message or a mantra of that kind that I purposely deleted from my inbox without even reading? I'm right now in search of the answers and explanations for everything that has been going on.

Now, there are people in my life who's looking down on me as if I screwed everything up in purpose. They pity me. They talk about me with their colleagues. They formulate their own assumptions and fabricate their own story of my life. In short, they judge me. And it hurts and sucks big time.

I know I'm strong and I can still be stronger. This is probably just like one of those moments in the movies where the lead actors are soooo down and are on the verge of giving up. But something will happen that will make the lead actor say "Hey, God is a machine!" Deuz ex machina. All I have to do is wait for that something and make it happen. There will be no need to save me because I know that He put me into this because He knows that I can pull it off.

I know in God's name, I'll get by.

so long crushie crush.

"...the moment that i let you go, i just broke down." --- goin' crazy

wala lang. up to now, it still hasn't sinked in to me yet. i still can't believe that heath ledger's already dead. sumalangit nawa. sheesh. i've always considered him as one of the hottest actors in hollywood. sayang. for the longest time, he was a part of my five hottest men on earth... not that it matters but those stupid sleeping pills.. arg. they got him automatically expelled from my list. five hottest men "on earth" kasi eh. ewe. korny.

so i guess, there would be just four in my list from now on because heath is simply irreplaceable.