bad omen.

...I just noticed that these past few days, nothing seemed to work for me. When one part of my life becomes smooth sailing, the other parts would start messing up. It's so, soooooo frustrating. And it's weird.

pebrero sais.

Yesterday was a chaotic day that looked initially boring. It wasn't that interesting either. In fact, I didn't really like how it went... at all. I attended the mass and had my forehead marked with ash. Only to accidentally wash it away coz my face feels so oily right after I went home. That was it for the ash wednesday thingy. As for the Chinese New Year, oh, it was a total bore. Remember I mentioned that I'm sure we'd be doing the default (the paisin)? I was right and that was all we did. The oldies (my mom and her brothers and sisters including poh-poh, my lola) need to go somewhere in San Juan to visit our full-blood Chinese relatives. So even though we opt to celebrate, the celebration was not until today, which was great enough to ruin my schedule. I was pissed but I managed to somehow keep my cool.

So there I said it that my schedule was ruined, right? Things sucked enough to also ruin our 50th Golden Monthsary. Remember, the supposedly "one of the most memorable celebrations' that we'll have? It was indeed memorable. Because it was yesterday that we had our biggest fight. It was really intense. We were able to patch things up moments after, though. Point is, things have already been said and we already hurt each others feelings, BIG TIME. The day wasn't a bore after all and it wasn't good either.

Once again, everything was messed up. Sad to say but that was the highlight of my Feb 6.

On thesis, problems, and disappointments...

Had "the" talk with my mom again. No changes. I still went blank the moment she popped the biggest question of my life. Argh. I'm working on my plans now unlike the first time, though. Things are still hazy for me right now. My life's much like a hair that sucks big time - full of tangles. So many dead ends. I'm beginning to be hard on myself even though I know it wouldn't help me at all. I'm only one step away to the very end of all these chaos in my life but I can't seem to move. I'm stuck. Can it be more obvious? It's so friggin' frustrating.

My state of mind right now suggests that "if ever" someone coincidentally asks me of what I'm good at, my first answer should be screwing up. I'm already 21 and will soon be 22 in months time but I can't seem to handle things like these the way an adult should. I always end up screwing. Can I not screw up, for a change? Seriously.

I'm so stressed out. I've got so many things to do... so many things to deal with... and all those are pushing me to the very edge of my limits. I feel like I'm hanging by a thread. What's worse is that, it's not the fragility of the thread that worries me . It's my utmost want to give up. I'm sooooo tired.

After all the contemplation that I did, I managed to strategize my way out of all these bullshit but whenever I am that close to escaping, something always... as in always happens. It's like everything I try to do to fix my fucked up life is doomed to fail. I don't really know what's up. I'm beginning to think that I'm cursed though I'm really not a believer of urban legends. Is this all happening to me because of a chain text message or a mantra of that kind that I purposely deleted from my inbox without even reading? I'm right now in search of the answers and explanations for everything that has been going on.

Now, there are people in my life who's looking down on me as if I screwed everything up in purpose. They pity me. They talk about me with their colleagues. They formulate their own assumptions and fabricate their own story of my life. In short, they judge me. And it hurts and sucks big time.

I know I'm strong and I can still be stronger. This is probably just like one of those moments in the movies where the lead actors are soooo down and are on the verge of giving up. But something will happen that will make the lead actor say "Hey, God is a machine!" Deuz ex machina. All I have to do is wait for that something and make it happen. There will be no need to save me because I know that He put me into this because He knows that I can pull it off.

I know in God's name, I'll get by.