dilemma attacked me. hmpf.

help me decide..
	pursue a master's degree?
	take up another BS degree course?
	take up a short course about multimedia arts?
	find a job?
	continue managing our own business?
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whatta day it was

my january 26 was like 3 hours longer than the ordinary days. for the second time, we were invited to participate as a guest performer in UP Manila Indayog Dance Varsity's annual concert. i looked forward to it for weeks and i was really excited about it because it felt like years have passed since i last danced. of course, i was just exaggerating.. it was just months. anyway, i was also really excited for the new members of the compet team because that would be their first time to perform outside uplb as a guest. so as the days passed us by, i've been secretly having these daydream sequences where the team's having the time of our lives mingling with the other dance crews there. imagine, i was that excited. then few days before the actual day, mam jlu unintentionally ruined everything by announcing that besides sayaw manila, we will also be guesting in another event. she clearly told us that we will not be able to finish the event and that right after we dance, we would leave and go straight to the other one. frankly, i was a bit pissed off and really, really upset.

i was so upset because things didn't exactly turn out as i hoped it would, not even close... this will probably be my last time to perform in a big event with the competing team so i really wanted to make the most out of it. it may not be that big a deal for the others but for me it is. i initially succumbed to the callings of my true emotion but then i thought that if i'd continue to be upset and pissed off, i'd be wasting the small fraction of enoyment that's left for us to celebrate. so i took a deep breath and started to have fun. then i also realized that it wasn't the event that mattered, really... we won't be able to finish the event, so what? at least, we'd still able to dance and show them what we got. what's important is that wherever or in whatever event we maybe, we're all together because as cheezy as it is, i realized that being with the team is all that i need in order to have the time of my life. it's all that i needed and wanted to enjoy and celebrate for the last time.

...and God was so good that another invitation came to us, another outside campus gig. so maybe, that's my prize for being able to keep my cool inspite of everything.

God is good, all the time.
cheers.

shaping up

been down lately. done some thinking and i finally admitted to myself that i'm totally screwed up. my life's a mess and has no direction. sure i have goals and that was what i always thought mattered. and i'm so stupid to even think that achieving my goals will be just as easy as having one... you know, crossing the bridge when you get there. i always thought it will dictate how i should live my life and which path to take but i'm wrong. totally wrong.

now, i'm an unemployed-bum-parent-dependent person.. in short, a loser. ouch. i need to start learning how to stand on my own. i don't want to be like those people who i dislike for not being able to support themselves or at least try to be independent. but i'm afraid that is what's happening to me... i'm being the person that i don't like to be.

had a talk with my mom recently. she asked me about my plans, whether i'm planning to get a job or to pursue another field or a master's degree. then, there was an awkward moment of silence. what's worse is that, it wasn't because i can't seem to put into words my great plans. it was because there are no great plans... YET. and this uber disappointing fact made me feel as if i'm a part of a so-called social status, popularly known as the Losers. several jobs have been presenting itself to me but i turned my back on them for personal reasons. my life's still a mess and i just thought that it'd be better if i make my next move once i get into shape. i don't want to engage into something unprepared. so i took some time off to contemplate.

now, i gathered up my thoughts and managed to collect myself. my "life"-plan is still a work in progress but at least there's an improvement. just wish me luck and don't jinx me.

whew.

pbb sucks.

i know rules are rules. but knowing and understanding the rules doesn't mean accepting it will be as easy as ABC. i'm so sad that jon was evicted tonight. i feel really, really bad for him. if he hadn't been force evicted, i think it will be rizza who will be gone by now. so rizza should be thankful to jon coz the guy saved her sorry *ss. i sooo feel bad coz he was so near to getting to the big four but all that disintegrated right before his very eyes. sad.

not a good thing.

woke up today and still not feeling good about this year. what's that suppose to mean? i'm kinda worried coz every time i feel things, it usually comes true or i'm usually right. i'm a piscean, you know. i'm not a strong believer of astrology or whatever but every bit of characteristics that a piscean should have, i have - either a little bit or too much of each. gaaad. i really pray that things will get better coz every thing's getting kinda hazy now. what sucks more is that i've been having all these emotions that i can't barely explain. i wasn't fully aware that a person can feel tons of emotions in just one breath.

CARGO: i'm planning to get my hair cut later today. will be setting a reservation at Bench Fix before i leave the house. hope i won't forget to do that; otherwise, i'm screwed. wish me luck.

hello 2008.

okay.. another year and it sucks coz i wasn't really sure if i was able to start the year right. sure i had helped a couple number of people by giving some piece of advice and by just making them laugh with my corny cracks but still, i am not convinced that i had a good start.

i wasn't able to start my year as planned. i told myself that i'm going to write an entry on the 31st to document how i ended 2007 and it didn't happen. i planned to have a haircut -- new year, new do.. again, it didn't happen. and a lot more, which are quite personal to be mentioned.

and see? for my first entry for this year, i'm ranting on some nonsense absurdities. i just hope that things will be better after today.

walang gana

so i'm writing this a couple of minutes before i leave for kamote's place. we'll be having our pseudo-christmas party there. i was initially excited because namiss ko ung mga kumag kong barkada kaya nga super effort talaga kami na i-organize yung party. badtrip lang kasi people started texting, one by one, minute after minute.. take note: just today.. na hindi raw sila pwede kesyo ganito ganyan and blah blah blah. so medyo nawawalan ako ng gana kasi ayaw magsipunta nung iba. sheesh. i've known them since highschool and i can say that i know them enough to tell na they're just trying to excuse themselves. pfft.

i actually thought that this party will be the one thing that can sweep off my problems away but now, i'm halfway to thinking that i'm wrong. ohwell, everything's still premature to be judged so let's just wait and see later. *timecheck: ooops, i should be going.

------

Cargo: i tried browsing this certain person's friendster profile and i've only one question in mind:
Bakit nasa featured friends nya si Erik??? hmmmmm..

an encounter with an ex

Few minutes ago, an ex of mine, who also happens to be one of my kabarkadas, IM'd me in ym. He just said hi and we talked for like ten minutes and then said our goodnights-slash-goodmornings. To be honest, I was kinda shock that he IM'd me. Para kasi yung nakaka-loko, pasumpong-sumpong. Minsan bigla ang friendly and minsan naman parang umiiwas. And kanina, he was friendly. Hmmm.. Actually, I already knew that he's also online, I just didn't feel like talking to anyone kaya I ignored whoever was online on my ym list. And like I said, sala sa init-sala sa lamig kasi un kaya I really didn't take the initiative to start a conversation.

I just don't get it why he's like that. It just feels awkward coz I really feel na there really are times na iniiwasan niya ako. Haller. Ang tagal na since we broke up pero up to now may ganitong awkward moments parin lalo na pag magkasama kami sa lakad ng barkada. Nakadalawang gf na nga siya after me eh. Haller (again). He was the one who left me way, way back tapos siya pa yung parang nagiging aloof? Pambihira. It's getting kinda funny actually kasi ang weird diba? Pero I know na factor yung gf niya kasi selosa lalo na sa mga ex ni ex ko. Alam ko kasi ex's gf texted me dati and befriended me. Ex's gf was honest enough to tell me that she still feels jealous towards me. So I explained why she should not feel that way at all. At mukhang naging okay naman na after that kasi naging textmates pa kami ni ex's gf.

That's why I get weirded up by ex's actions and treatment to me. Weird for me kasi ako as in, super okay lang. No uneasiness at all when he's around kasi wala na sakin un. Not that I'm saying na may something pa rin siya kaya siya umiiwas and stuff... hindi ganun. What I'm trying to point out is ang tagal na nun kaya hindi na un issue pa dapat lalo na with our respective relationships kasi super tagal na nun, my gaaad. He's my friend and having a bitter past doesn't mean we can never go back to being really friends, at least for me.

Weird.

lesson to be learned

..Nino? Secret. Just keep on reading.

To person number one:
Kung gusto mo talaga makipagkaibigan, dapat marunong ka mag-reciprocate ng efforts nung tao. Hindi yung puro ka lang salita. Kawawa naman kasi yung isa, siya lang ng siya ang nagri-reach out sa iyo. I don't want to be judgmental pero the way I see this, parang ang taas ng tingin mo sa sarili mo. Kung di ka itetext, di ka magtetext... kadalasan nga hindi ka pa magrereply. Kung hindi ka tawagan, hindi ka makakausap. Kung hindi ka lapitan, hindi ka rin lalapit. Busy ka bang talaga? Ibahin mo sistema mo boi. Sayo na rin nanggaling na based from your very own experience, it didn't do anything good for you, diba? So bakit gagawin mo pa?

To person number two:
Ikaw naman [you know who you are]... kung nafi-feel mo naman na ikaw lang ng ikaw ang nag-eexert ng effort, siguro dapat napapaisip ka na and dapat din you start to ask yourself the big question "WHY?". Betteryet, talk to the person to clear things out. Yun ay kung malakas ang loob mo. Wag mong ipilit ang sarili mo sa taong hindi naman "ata" willing makipag-friends sayo. Iwasan na mabansagan na FC [feeling close] Wag todo baba ng pride. Minsan dapat may tinitira ka para sa sarili mo. You have so many friends in your life so why focus with just one? If s/he doesn't want you to be one of his/her friends, edi wag. Ikamamatay mo ba? Pag gusto may paraan, pag ayaw maraming dahilan. Remember that.

Bakit ba kasi ganito, sadyang may mga taong paimportante at nagpupumilit.

Talk.