midnight feels

There are still some days when I wake up to the feeling of brokenness and sadness. During these days, I automatically give in to the sad thoughts that seemed to have found its way to the surface during my sleep. During these days, I still harbor the same questions that I asked myself back when you told me to fight for you.

There are days when I just want to stop thinking about you, to just give up loving you, and to stop waiting... But I guess it is true what they said that the heart wants what it wants. This heart wants what it wants and this heart still wants you. And as much as I no longer want to hope, a part of me is still holding on to the slight piece of thought that maybe, just maybe, yours still wants me too.

Right now, I just try to get my mind off things by spending time with friends, writing, reading, doodling, dancing, archery, binge-watching TVD on Netflix, and a whole lot of other activities. I hope that the fact that I have not been crying as often as I do before is an indication that what I am doing is effective. I cannot be more thankful for having such great friends who make me feel loved and cared for. I am thankful that God has surrounded me with people and opportunities that reminds me of His love and presence. Because of all these, my purple heart still manages to smile. I may have lost you but I still have lots of reasons to smile and to be thankful for.

If there's anything good that came out of this fiasco, it's the fact that my relationship with God has grown significantly stronger. It is His words and my prayers that are really helping me through everything. Through the power of prayers, I believe that, little by little, I am getting better despite the occasional bad days. There are less sleepless nights and less tears. I am also slowly getting my appetite back and even though it would mean gaining all the weight I've lost, I think that's still good.

My faith is bigger and stronger than my pain. With God by my side, there is nothing that I won't be able to face. I am saved.

how to fxn?

I still have few more hours to go before I go back to work but I am already constantly bombarded with questions inside my head on whether or not I can function normally later. The truth is, I have no choice. I have to work. I have to get things done in spite of my emotional state. I am expected to do what I will be told to do. I have no choice.

So tonight, I am praying for focus and clarity of mind. So help me God.

looking forward to better days

For the first time since everything started, I feel better. My quick visit at Pink Sisters helped a lot. It was suddenly easier to let go of the things that I cannot control. I'm beginning to do it, little by little. Hopefully, the next days will be better. Hopefully, I will continue feeling better.

Oh, the magic of prayers. I am thankful.

just about everything that matters #atm

The past days have been extremely hard for a lot of reasons and right now, I just want this all to end. I can't wait to see the light at the end of the tunnel even if it ends up blinding me. I just can't wait to finally know which direction to take after everything. Right now, all I hold on to are prayers and the emotional support I get from the few friends who I entrusted my side of the story with. Somehow, these have been enough to keep me going and to keep me sane.

Despite of it all, I am thankful for the true and new friends that I have right now. On top of everything, I am thankful that God seems to be hearing me out for real.

Expect the worst. Hope for the best.
Right.

Cold.

Whatever happened to me, I don't know. I used to be so sweet, so positive, so full of life. I don't know how and when I turned cold. Yes, I would always laugh especially when I'm with friends, crack jokes, and share funny stories to them but deep inside, I'm this tearless, cold-hearted bitch.

Last night, I randomly messaged some friends on FB, about 10 or more, just to ask them a super random question which based on their reactions, caught them off guard. I asked them what makes them feel alive. It's actually quite interesting to receive similar reactions from different people. Some of them didn't seem to have any difficulty in answering the question. There were also some who needed time to think about it and still haven't given any answer until now. The rest took about five minutes or so. Luckily, only three of them asked me back the same question.

My answer was I don't know. I am like a lost girl just floating to wherever life takes me. Prolly worse. While others answered pain, struggles, and challenges, a part of me heartbrokenly wished I could say the same things.

I’m at a loss. I really am...  beyond words, beyond comprehension. And how I wish someone would see through me and that person will  know the right words to say. That person will know what to do with me.

God, help me. Please.

untitled

It's not that I cannot function today. It's more like, I refused to function today.

January has been really confusing  and it's all my fault. Now I'm at a loss. I've made more damage than good for myself and for the people around me.

God, help me. What do I do?