i am still fat.

argh... and i think i'm getting fatter and heavier. what can i do, i can't stop eating. super hirap mag-diet. badtrip.

whatta day it was

my january 26 was like 3 hours longer than the ordinary days. for the second time, we were invited to participate as a guest performer in UP Manila Indayog Dance Varsity's annual concert. i looked forward to it for weeks and i was really excited about it because it felt like years have passed since i last danced. of course, i was just exaggerating.. it was just months. anyway, i was also really excited for the new members of the compet team because that would be their first time to perform outside uplb as a guest. so as the days passed us by, i've been secretly having these daydream sequences where the team's having the time of our lives mingling with the other dance crews there. imagine, i was that excited. then few days before the actual day, mam jlu unintentionally ruined everything by announcing that besides sayaw manila, we will also be guesting in another event. she clearly told us that we will not be able to finish the event and that right after we dance, we would leave and go straight to the other one. frankly, i was a bit pissed off and really, really upset.

i was so upset because things didn't exactly turn out as i hoped it would, not even close... this will probably be my last time to perform in a big event with the competing team so i really wanted to make the most out of it. it may not be that big a deal for the others but for me it is. i initially succumbed to the callings of my true emotion but then i thought that if i'd continue to be upset and pissed off, i'd be wasting the small fraction of enoyment that's left for us to celebrate. so i took a deep breath and started to have fun. then i also realized that it wasn't the event that mattered, really... we won't be able to finish the event, so what? at least, we'd still able to dance and show them what we got. what's important is that wherever or in whatever event we maybe, we're all together because as cheezy as it is, i realized that being with the team is all that i need in order to have the time of my life. it's all that i needed and wanted to enjoy and celebrate for the last time.

...and God was so good that another invitation came to us, another outside campus gig. so maybe, that's my prize for being able to keep my cool inspite of everything.

God is good, all the time.
cheers.

shaping up

been down lately. done some thinking and i finally admitted to myself that i'm totally screwed up. my life's a mess and has no direction. sure i have goals and that was what i always thought mattered. and i'm so stupid to even think that achieving my goals will be just as easy as having one... you know, crossing the bridge when you get there. i always thought it will dictate how i should live my life and which path to take but i'm wrong. totally wrong.

now, i'm an unemployed-bum-parent-dependent person.. in short, a loser. ouch. i need to start learning how to stand on my own. i don't want to be like those people who i dislike for not being able to support themselves or at least try to be independent. but i'm afraid that is what's happening to me... i'm being the person that i don't like to be.

had a talk with my mom recently. she asked me about my plans, whether i'm planning to get a job or to pursue another field or a master's degree. then, there was an awkward moment of silence. what's worse is that, it wasn't because i can't seem to put into words my great plans. it was because there are no great plans... YET. and this uber disappointing fact made me feel as if i'm a part of a so-called social status, popularly known as the Losers. several jobs have been presenting itself to me but i turned my back on them for personal reasons. my life's still a mess and i just thought that it'd be better if i make my next move once i get into shape. i don't want to engage into something unprepared. so i took some time off to contemplate.

now, i gathered up my thoughts and managed to collect myself. my "life"-plan is still a work in progress but at least there's an improvement. just wish me luck and don't jinx me.

whew.

cientobente. on diet.

losing weight is the second hardest thing in the world. resisting tempting foods is the hardest. arg. one week at elbi means one week of (finally) dancing again but hey, am still not feeling it. i'm still not feeling any lighter, no improvements... zero... nada.

i-a-m-s-t-i-l-l-f-a-t.

i'm not that fat really but i always believed that prevention is better than cure. i'm just getting so sick and tired of hearing my mom time and again telling me that i've too lose weight NOW; otherwise, it'd be too late. if there's anything good that came out from being extra chubby now it's that it was a reason enough to convince my mom that i got to go back to elbi to dance again. if not for that 10 to 15 pounds extra baggage, i'd still be here at bulacan running errands that can't even get a single drop of sweat off from me. in short, activities that are not helping me lose weight in any way.

i still have lotsa time, actually. i'm just getting sooo impatient coz eyes are on me. it's always the first thing my friends notice... "ang taba mo.." sheesh. kung hindi lang masama manampal ng kaibigan. hoho.

but hey, i'm now back to my circulation. in due time, i'd be able to go back to my old physique. i swear.

on idle times... updates

haven't been able to blog lately... and it's because i was sick. actually, i still am but i'm feeling a whole lot better. have nothing much to write about, really.. i just want to write. i have so many thoughts in my head and i don't know which one to write about. so lemme try..

first up: there's my dilemma of whether or not to go with my family in migrating to canada. sure there are bigger opportunities there but i'm not quite sure if i can give up my life here for a promising life abroad. you know it's not easy to just leave everything behind especially if i have lived here all my life. this is the place i've known and seen for almost 22 years. i can't just give this up.

since i still haven't decided about this matter yet, i can't figure out my next move. i just graduated last semester so right now, i don't know whether i'll study again or start to work. if i decide to go with my family, i'd have to study again because i'm already turning 22 (ouch) on March, which means that in terms of age, i'm already expected to be independent already so i'd be required to file a solo application for migration. that's the rule of the Canadian embassy. To work or not to work - that is the question. *boink

second up: diet. i really need to slim down. gaaad. i'm getting fatter and heavier day by day. but how can i slim down? i don't have time to exercise and whenever i have time, i feel lazy to do so. haha. kidding. ang sarap sarap naman kasi kumain. arg. my mom always reminds me about my weight and physique. eto na kasi ang pinakmataba kong katawan. imagine? from 100 to 105lbs, i now weigh 120lbs? gosh. i'm starting to feel very body-conscious for the first time. ohwell, you know what they say, there is always a first time for everything. this just sucks. that's it.

those are the two major dilemmas i have. petty as it is for others, for me it's a big big big deal. God, please guide me.