Wednesday, January 9, 2019

Forgiveness for 2019

Day by day I am learning to forgive myself. 2018 was mostly about a chain of poor decisions and this year is the year that I will make up for it. 2019 is the year that I will earn the forgiveness I deserve... the only forgiveness that I need right now... The only forgiveness that matters.

I need to forgive myself for putting myself into that mess. It was one hell of a love triangle story. It was toxic. I was not wrong to try and see my chances but I was very wrong to subject myself to the pain of being treated poorly thinking that I deserved it as some form of punishment to make up for my mistakes. I thought it was the right thing to do. I thought it was the best way to prove myself to someone but I was wrong. I was wrong to think that I deserved it all because the truth is, I don't.

What I deserve is a love that doesn't need to be taught or to be told what to do and how to do things. I do not deserve a love that puts mine to the test and then puts the blame on me when I break and walkaway. I deserve a love that is not lazy... a love that puts effort without being told. I deserve a love with initiative... a love that will not make me question my worth or whether or not I am good enough. I deserve a love that is mature and ready. I deserve a love that is passionate. I deserve a love that will drown me in madness. I deserve a love that makes me want to stay.

I deserve forgiveness... forgiveness that will come from myself, not from anyone else.

Someday, I will be forgiven.