The past days have been a rollercoaster of emotions. After a brief moment of feeling like perhaps everything is going to be okay.. That there is still that chance that we'll be okay, things will begin to crumble again. Then I'll be back to the pathetic version of my self... The stubborn side of me that keeps waiting for the time when you'll pull me closer shortly after you've pushed me away because I always knew you would. We're practically strangers who knew so much about each other. We just know that even after the almost endless exchange of dramatic replies, the goodbyes we throw to each other every once in awhile, the days we don't talk at all whilst pretending to be busy moving on with our own lives, we'll just come back to each other. No matter how melodramatic things get between us, we always find our way back to each other. We always do. We always come back to trying to work things out. We always go back to hurting each other. We always go back to trying to forget. We always go back to being happy. We always go back to starring on our private teleserye. We always do.
I always thought that after everything I've been through, I'll be better. I actually thought I got better. I thought I got wiser but it turned out that I just became more complicated, more stubborn, more complex.. I got too complex beyond my own understanding. Like a paradox-personified, I am stubborn enough to still go on when I always knew that it would do me no good. I always ask myself why can't I let go of my "what if" and "what could have been" thoughts about us. Why can't I completely let go.. Why can't I move on? Why despite of everything, I can't just walk away?
Well, odd as it may seem, I feel like I am Wolverine. Wolverine can heal himself right away. There's almost nothing you can do that he cannot deal with. The irony though is that he's super strong but beneath those tons of muscles is a heart that's still soft and beating and as human as it can be. I feel that I am like that too somehow. Prolly because I'm the type of person that you can hurt over and over again but will find ways to cope with it and after everything, will not stop caring. Like a masochist, after some beating, I may even end up caring a little more. It's like my heart has an auto-heal ability like Wolverine's but not as fast as his, of course. Actually, not fast at all.
Thing is, I mask myself with the fascinating idea that I am strong... That no matter how f*cked up things may get, I can take it... That no matter how poorly I am treated, I will choose to be understanding... Maybe that's the reason why others think it's okay to hurt me, to not make me their priority, to make me wait, and worse, to just leave me on my own. It's like they know me well enough to feel assured that no matter what they do, no matter what happens, and no matter the circumstance is, I will be there for them. Because that's how strong I appear... Because that's how strong I pegged myself to be... I made them believe that I can take all the bullsh*ts they throw on my direction and hear me say, "it's okay." However, the painful truth is that every time someone makes me feel like sh*t, I break inside into million tiny pieces. I feel my bones get brittle and all my organs swell. I feel my tear ducts almost explode in pain from feeling so worthless. I feel every muscle inside of me melt slowly like a wax placed beside a flame. I feel my tendons snap like a rubberband altogether almost creating a sad melody that only I can hear.
And the sad thing is, nobody notices because nobody cares enough to really look at me. Nobody cares to read between the lines. My lines. Nobody cares enough to tell me that it's okay to be weak... That it's okay to break... That it's okay to just scream and cry.
So now that I'm starting to get used to it, I will just do what I do best. To hell with the heartless, I will just continue being my own version of Wolverine.
We have our whole lifetime to be strangers so why are we starting too soon? As rhetorical as this question can get, the truth in it is undeniable.
Stupid humans, wanting things they can't and no longer have. Still wanting things even though it's clearly not (good) for them. Stubborn human race. But no matter how stupid and stubborn we all humans are, that's what make being human a little more interesting and less boring.
I've reached my quote of non-sense. Sleep, I'm coming.
I want to tell you I miss you but what good will it do? With the numerous times you've made me feel dispensable, I know doing so will only be pointless.
How I wish finding answers to my "why" and "how" questions is as easy as typing keywords online and wait for Google as it loads the answer. But I can't google your mind. If I can, maybe I already raped the search button so many times.
So I guess there's nothing left for me to do but this... do nothing. Do nothing as the days go by without a word from you. Do nothing as we both get used to not talking to each other anymore. Do nothing as we move on with our lives. Do nothing as you forget about me. Do nothing as I try to forget you even though I know I can't. Do nothing as the memories of you and I fade in the shadows of what ifs and what could have beens.
Like a line from a song, what a journey it has been. Whew! But I survived! Well the pain hasn't completely gone yet but it's more manageable now. I tried to stay away from this page coz I felt like I needed to stop writing. For the first time in so many years of writing my heart out in this page, I felt like it wasn't helping me... Instead of helping me move on, it's making me victimize myself more. Now I am back coz I am better. I feel better. Not completely okay but at least, better. Still broken but better. Still bitter but a little better.
It's already July so what's the plan? Well, I guess it's never too late to finally and seriously go through my plans. This month until next month, I plan to get my student driver's permit and enroll in a driving school. And if schedule permits it, I will try to learn how to play the guitar. Words words words. Hopefully I will be able to achieve these.
See, I'm back to writing nonsensical stuff now. It just proves that I'm back to the new old me.
Today, I thought of everything. I tried to remember every good memory, every sweet moment, every deep conversation... I tried to recall everything, everything that made me latch on you.
I closed my eyes as I try to remember the awkwardness of our first meeting. I exhaled deeply as I recalled the first time your head tried to find a comfortable spot on my shoulder. I still had goosebumps while remembering how gently you whispered words on my ears while we were at the cab. The soft kisses, the way you held my hand, the hugs, the songs you sang while we were together, the late night conversations, the long phone calls. I remember it all. I still remember everything. Everything. I remember all the good things about us. About you and I.
As much as I wish to leave out the sad things, it's impossible. And I know I will remember it all, the way I remember all the good things about us. About you and I. I will always remember the unsure moments, the moments of confusion, the moments we tried to right what we both knew was wrong. I will remember how you chased me that one time. I will not forget the pain and dismay that was evident in your eyes. I will not forget the way I chased you like a helpless child running after a butterfly. I will not forget. I will never forget.
Now that we're back to being the strangers we once were, I wish I could tell you in person how thankful I am for everything. I wish to tell you that I'll be okay and that I'm trying to be happy for you... That though things between us didn't end well, I don't hate you. I can't hate you. There's no room for hate in my heart anymore. Sadness, disappointment, and pain already filled up the spaces.
So today, I am trying to smile while waving back one last time to all the good and bad things about us. About you and I. Goodbye.
Earlier today, I looked at myself in the mirror. I realized I put on some weight. The bags under my eyes are darker and bigger. My hair has gone dry and almost with split ends.
Pathetic. Fat. Ugly. Wasted. Defeated. Lost. I am all these things.
Well, not that that's something unusual. What do you expect from someone who'd rather spend time writing about how her life is messed up instead of just finding ways to redirect it? To simply put it, I don't like the person I saw.
Teach me how to love myself. Someone, please? I NEED TO LEARN.ASAP.
Maybe in another world you're mine. Maybe in another world, we can be happy. Maybe in another world, pain is just a word. Maybe in another world, I'll be smarter and wiser and braver. Maybe in another world, you will ask me how my day was because you really wanted to know about it and not because you just don't know what to say or ask. Maybe in another world, things will be simpler. Maybe in another world, things between us will no longer be complicated. Maybe in another world, I won't have to write this. Maybe in another world, this blog won't even exist. Maybe in another world, there is no you and no I.. Just us. Maybe in another world... Just maybe. Maybe.
This is prolly a stupid idea... not just the fact that I wrote "dear zen" as a title but more so because I'm going to lecture you here. Here for the world to see, for your readers to read, not that there's any. Anyway, you're up for some online belting. Brace yourself.
Don't be stupid, zen. You're taught to be smart. You are smart. And smart people make smart decisions, smart choices. You graduated from a great university hence the least I expect from you is to be anything but stupid. But you are being stupid right now. Not just in love but with everything. Look at you, you're such a mess. You have to get your act together and quit delaying your plans. Get that COE you need for your Canada trip. Talk to your team leader about the transfer you're planning to make. Book that vacation you've been wanting to go to. Send that email you've been meaning to send. You have all the time you need right now. Make things happen. You no longer have any excuses.
Also, you have to learn to quit thinking of other's feelings before your own. That's prolly what has been wrong with you all these time. Maybe that's why people make you wait. Maybe that's why they don't treat you as someone who's so important. Maybe that's why they're not afraid to lose you. Maybe that's why you don't get treated that way you always wanted. Because you always make yourself available for them. You're always willing to wait. Always willing to give way for others. Always willing to put yourself last. Always trying to understand. Always with the shorter end of the stick. Always putting yourself on the losing end. Wake up, darling. You get treated the way you let people treat you. So if you allow them to leave you sitting on a corner of their life waiting for when they need and want you again, good luck with that. YOU ARE NOT A DOCTOR ON-CALL.
Value yourself so you'll be of value to others. Don't make them feel too comfortable around you. Don't make them feel like you're always going to be there for them. Sometimes changing the way you want to be seen by others really involves a little tweaking on your natural self. Not that there's something wrong with you being real and honest but you have to protect yourself. Protect your heart. Then maybe, just maybe, you may end up getting all that you deserve.
I'm trying to look back to my childhood, when everything was so simple, when getting good grades was all that mattered, when the most painful thing I experienced were the wounds I got from horseplaying with friends. I am looking back to the times when the only thing I thought of was myself.
I'm trying to look back to the times when we were nothing but happy and sweet, when everything was so placid and seemed promising. I am looking back to those days. I want to go back to those days. I want to go back to the time when everything between us was so simple. I want to. Only if I can but I can't.
So here's to going back to the memories of us, the memories of a thing that was... the traces of a garden that was once beautiful. The memories of you. My memories of you.
Here's a throwback to the time when we were happy together. A throwback to the time when you said you will never be gone. A throwback to the time you kissed me. A throwback to the time you hugged me. A throwback to the time you held me. A throwback to the first time you touched my cheek. A throwback to the time you planned beautiful things for us. A throwback to the time I started falling. A throwback to something that's still happening. Because I'm still falling. Free falling. Helplessly falling. And I know, I will never hit the ground.
So here's a final throwback to the time that I was full of high hopes. A final throwback to the time I was still sane. A final throwback to the time I decided to stop chasing you, which was now.
This, now, is really nothing but a throwback. All because it's fucking Thursday. I hate Thursdays.
Do you still think of me?
Do you ever just space out and find yourself reminiscing our memories?
Do you ever miss me?
Do you ever wonder if I have already eaten?
Do you ever wonder what I'm doing?
Do you ever wonder what I'm thinking?
Do you ever pray about me?
Do you ever close your eyes and try to imagine me?
Do you ever talk about me?
Do you ever write about me?
Do you ever dream about me?
Do you ever yearn for me?
Do you ever feel sad?
Do you ever feel my pain?
Do you ever feel the same?
Do you ever?
Coz I do.
I miss you today more than the other days. Today is filled with memories and thoughts of you just like the other days but today is different. Today, I can't seem to contain this. Today, I want to explode like a star on a sky you don't even look up to. Today, I just really miss you.
I want to hold you. I want to embrace you. I want to kiss you. I want to feel you. I want to tell you how much I miss you. I want to tell you how much I want to stop missing you. I want to tell you how much it hurts. I want to tell you about my pain. I want to stop hurting. I want to stop loving you. I want to learn to stop loving you. But f*ck, I still do. I will always do. I will always love you.
Though getting my heart broken feels like I'm already dying inside, the truth is I'm still alive and breathing and yearning and hurting and loving. My heart, no matter how many pieces there are at the moment, it's still beating. Painfully. Throbbing. Still beating.
What can I do? I guess no matter how hard I try to control my feelings, I will always be the girl who loves hard. I'll always be that girl who does more, gives more, loves more, and hurts more. I will always be that girl.
Someone told me yesterday that the person who loved more is usually the person that's more hurt. More broken. More devastated. More wounded. On the other hand, the person who ends up filled with regrets is the person who loved less. I don't know if it's true but I'd like to think and believe that it is. However, I realized that the intensity of pain is not in anyway correlated to whether you loved more or loved less because when two people decide to part ways, both will feel the pain that parting entails. Because pain is a diva like that... It demands to be felt.
In experiencing pain, there is always the question of whether or not you fought the right battle. And everyday, I ask myself this question. Maybe no, maybe yes. But does it really matter? My only point here is that not all those who were wounded picked the right battle. Or maybe, just maybe, they picked the right battle but fought too hard and too long. Like me. Because my heart, no matter how many times it got broken and no matter how broken it is, it still beats. It is still beating. Still loving. Still hurting.
Been staring on this lifeless monitor for an hour already. I'm trying to make sense of what I want to say and write. I guess there's nothing more... Nothing that's not about pain and longing. Nothing that's not about the pain I am feeling at the moment. Nothing positive, nothing good. Coz nothing is good about me right now except for the fact that slowly, I am learning to get by. I am getting used to carrying this pain around.
Earlier today, I wanted so much to tell you that I will miss you but I chose to play it cool. I chose to not reveal anything anymore because my thoughts and feelings, no matter how honest they are, they don't matter. They are nothing but meaningless thoughts and feelings. I don't matter, not anymore. I wanted to tell you that I miss you. I want to tell you that I love you. I want to tell you the truth. However, if I do, it'd be nothing but wasted words and spilled emotions, much like a milk trying to cover the floor. Something that will eventually need to be wiped away. I'm tired of feeling exposed, sabotaged, and led on. I am dead tired.
From this emotional chaos, I learned that it's possible to be madly in love with someone but still not be ready. You can love someone like it was your first time ever. You can walk on that side of the road that hopefully leads to a happy ending but still be alone. Because the sad truth is, even if the other person feels the same, you can't expect them to go to you or with you. It is not that simple. If they're not ready, they're not ready. You never have to convince someone that you're worth it, that you're worth the risk of being with even though he's not ready. That will not help you in the end. You just have to wait and let God do His thing.
No matter how negative I may seem, I still believe I am worth it. I still believe that I will meet a love that is ready... That I won't have to shed a tear just so he'd know what I feel. I still believe that someone will love me the way I always prayed to be loved. I still believe in love. I still believe in happy endings because no matter how sad my entries are, I am well aware that there is a fine line between being cynical and realistic. And this is me being real. No more sugar coating, no more biases, no more false hopes. Just pure reality. Just pure hope. Pure faith. Pure love. Pure pain.
I'm never the type to stay when I already feel that my presence is no longer appreciated. If you push me away, I'll go. I don't need words because words do not hold any meaning once the actions speak of the truth.
I'm the cup of coffee you make every morning but never finished drinking. But I'm here anyway, waiting to be consumed. I'm the cup of coffee you made earlier today but stopped drinking. I'm that hot cup of coffee that you held carefully then left sitting on your desk. I'm that cup of coffee you left waiting. I'm that cup of coffee you never drank. I was that cup of coffee and now, I'm cold. No one wants a cold coffee.
Yes, I'm that cold coffee that no one seems to want anymore.
Haven't written for two days. Not that it sucks because what really does is the fact that nothing has changed. Same pain. Same sentiments. Same regrets. Same old shit.
Today tho, I decided to fill myself and my day with positivity. I posted an fb status just so I can force myself to be okay. I wish it was that easy. I'm still not okay but today at least, I'm more productive. I hope in the coming days things will get better. I hope that I will get and feel better. I want to be better.
After 5pm, I'm going home. Not to sulk but to plan a vacation. No, I'm not running away. I just need to breathe. I need fresh air. New surroundings. Even for just a couple of days. I want to be alone with this pain. I want to ponder. I want to drown and be saved from this emotional quicksand.
Torn between me and you but I shouldn't be, right? Should no longer be. And I shouldn't let that be the case anymore. This time it should be all about me. Just me. No more you, just me.
Today I shall say no to you. Say no to the Baguio trip you prepared for us. Why now... Now that we've already broken up. Why not when we were together? It hurts that it seems like you only want me when you can't have me.
So today and on the coming days, I shall say no to the temptation of a reconciliation. No, not anymore. This is the right thing to do and I'm sure of it. I shall say no to you. Yes to me, no to you.
I had a moment of epiphany around three. I realized I need to focus on myself. Instead of writing about you, or writing you things that you won't even read, why don't I write about myself. Maybe this is why I am broken now. Maybe this is why I lost semblance of self-worth. It's because I always focus on others, on what I feel about others, on my pain about other people.
So from this day on, I'll try to write less about you and more about me. Who knows eventually, I won't need to write about you anymore. Who knows, writing will work its magic for me like how it's helping me get over you. Oh, how I wish I can learn to unlove you. Is it even possible?
I always wonder how would you feel when you read all my entries about you... All my pain about you. What would you think of me? Emotionally crazy at 30, perhaps? A psycho? An emo? Or would I even matter?
I always wonder if you'll feel the pain in my every word. I wonder if you'll feel the pain that I carry with me everyday. I wonder if you'll feel my pain? I wonder if you still feel me.
In a far-fetched world, I will be holding you. I will never have to cry because I will never have to let you go. We will back to our normal happy selves and will choose to be together all the time. We'll visit museums and parks or just sit on a couch and be lazy like pandas all day. In a far-fetched world, I will be with you. In a far-fetched world, you will be with me. In a far-fetched world, where we no longer have to ask hypothetical questions, we will be laughing endlessly and just be happy. In a far-fetched world away from all these pain, I will not have to write this because you will be beside me and I will be watching you in awe as you tell your stories. In a far-fetched world, I am beside you and I am happy.
In the middle of a crowded place, I find myself searching for your face. I can't help it. I miss you. And it hurts that I will keep missing you. Not just today or tomorrow but on the coming days, weeks. I will miss you always. I want to stop missing you. I want to stop yearning for you. I want to stop. I want to. I want. I.
I'm floating. I'm in a meeting but my mind is somewhere else. How can I stop thinking of everything? How can I stop thinking of you. Someone teach me please. This is all just too much to bear. Much painful than expected.
Woke up today and nothing has changed. Contrary to what he thinks, I woke up with the same decision. I woke up still willing to let go. I still think that this is what's best for me, for us.
For breakfast, I will eat a slice of the memory of our first meeting with the memory of our first date on the side. Then I'll sip the bittersweet memory of our parting. And I will be full of pain again.
For lunch, what do you suggest? The memory of the day when you asked for my number, perhaps? I'll think about it later.
Writing is not the cure but I am writing anyway. I am writing my pain. I am making this pain immortal. Someday I will reread all my entries like how I reread all our conversations. And when I do, I will still feel the pain. I will come back to this moment as if it happened yesterday and still feel the pain of letting a loved one go. Of letting you go. I will close my eyes and breathe deeply and exhale all the pain away. And I will be okay again.
For now, I will drown myself in this pain. If this is what it takes to love you, I will feel this pain. I will feel this pain everyday as I remember your smile. I will feel this pain everytime I will think of you, which is always. I will embrace this pain and think of you. I will live with this pain everyday coz everyday, I will miss you. I will not let this pain go. I will not let you go. You are my pain. *kith kith kith*
If you expect to read about the details of my breakup, spare yourself from disappointment and stop reading.
Is it too late to pursue my dreams? Is it too late to learn to drive? Is is too late to focus on my career? Is it too late now to be single?
These are the questions I've been asking myself the past few months. I don't know what will happen to me in the next days, weeks, years. The only thing I know now is that it's about time to give myself priority... A chance for self-worth and self-importance. I choose me. I may be late on everything but I just tap myself on my shoulder and say "Buhay ka pa. Go lang ng go."
If you've been reading my entries, then you already know that I'm really not good with lists. Nevertheless, I made one recently and it consists of all the activities I've been meaning to do. I figured that since I have more time now, it'd be a great idea to finally do all those things one by one alone or with friends. Not that my previous relationship was a hindrance, it's really not that. I don't know exactly why I never pushed those plans or why I keep postponing it. It's not like it included Skydiving, or travelling overseas, or other extravagant ideas one would usually include on a bucket list. Mine were as simple as enjoying the cold breeze of Baguio alone or just sit by the seaside with friends talking about anything and everything.
It's been just days since my breakup and I'm trying to figure out myself. The post-breakup version of me, rather. I feel lost and I know that this is normal. I know that this is just a phase. I know that this too shall pass. I know. I just know.