Saturday, December 30, 2017

alone(ly)

No matter how hard I try to fight off loneliness, it somehow manages to get to me. It's prolly the holiday season or my hormones, or maybe both, that suddenly made me extra vulnerable to this kind of year-end drama.

Well, here's the thing. I am already used to dealing with and doing things alone but lately, I've been uncontrollably emotional about this. There were times when I'd rather go home late than be alone in my unit because the idea has become quite intolerable. On some nights, I would even skip dinner just because I don't feel like eating alone. I even had few crazy and overly dramatic moments where I'd torture myself with romantic movies and cry. Generally, the idea of not having someone to do things with suddenly became too much to handle.

I'll be honest. I miss having someone to take sweet and goofy selfies with during random date nights. I miss the fights, the arguments, and most especially the kiss-and-make-up part. I miss receiving love notes/letters that I would definitely reread over and over again because I am a sucker for old school romance like that. I miss the feeling of preparing gifts and surprises for special occasions like anniversary, Christmas, and Valentine's. I miss the randomness, the drama, the intimacy, and the security of knowing that someone is committed to loving the good and bad version of me.

I am missing a lot of things but above all these, I do miss waking up to the idea of being a part of someone's future plans.




Wednesday, September 6, 2017

clueless

"Ber" month is here and it won't be too long before the music around us become Jose Mari Chan-infested. My question is this: WHERE DID THE TIME GO? Where was I when the past eight months passed by. What happened to me? So much for living one day at a time.

Is this just a case of poor memory or there really wasn't anything memorable about the past eight months? God, I hope it isn't the latter.

Monday, September 4, 2017

the long weekend

Normally, I'd spend the long weekend either on a vacation or on a short road trip like Tagaytay, Batangas, and etc. This long weekend though was different. I just stayed in and buried myself with movies from Netflix, chips, doughnuts, and Pringles. Having done this, I wondered why on Earth did I never think of doing this before. It was so convenient and way more relaxing. Oh, it was equally fun too.

I think I'd be doing this more often on the coming weekends. It is so cheap, so convenient, and so comfortable. Not having to put on makeup during those three days except when I attended the mass (of course) was both priceless and liberating. LOL. Kidding aside, I felt more relaxed and for the first time in a long time, I didn't feel like the long weekend was bitin.

I feel like a legit tita already but I don't really care. Maybe this really happens when you begin to accept the fact that you're not getting any younger. You begin to realize that sometimes, if not most of the time, a fun weekend does not always have to include road trips or vacations. Sometimes, the best plan is to not have a plan.

PS. Having a great company is a plus, of course. *wink wink*

Wednesday, August 9, 2017

independent living

I was in college when I learned to be independent. I got in to UPLB so I had to stay at a dorm during my first year. It was where I experienced washing my own underwear for the first time since it didn't feel comfortable and safe to send to laundry service together with my other clothes. It was during then that I learned how to cook my own food - fry eggs, hotdogs, cook pancit canton, mash potatoes, and etc. It was also the first time that I had to live away from my family.

Now that I'm already working and since I've been transferred here in our main office in Ortigas, I had to live away from them again. It was easier then though coz I had other people with me. I had housemates and roommates but now, I don't. I'm living independently ALONE. Does that make any sense?

Living alone is exciting, liberating, and empowering but of course there's also a downside to it. There always is. I have my lonely nights too - nights when I wish that I am watching TV with someone or with a group of friends, someone to eat dinner with, someone who I can tell about how my day was while moving around the unit and multi-tasking at wits end, someone I can literally drag downstairs for a swim or for some air... just someone or some people who can help me feel sane. Although I also love the fact that I can have a quiet time or just do anything I want anytime without bothering and considering anyone else, I figured it's still better to not live alone.

Right now, I'm sick as f*ck and it'd be really nice to have someone around who I can ask for small favors like "Pasuyo ng water, please?" or "Can you check if may lagnat ako?" or someone who will listen to my rants about my headache and clogged nose. Huhu. It's really hard to move around while feeling dizzy and feverish. I always hafta make sure that everything I need is readily reachable coz I frigging hate it when I have to stand and move around. It actually makes me hate the fact that I am alone, literally and figuratively, It'd be helpful and great to have someone I can make lambing to, you know... Someone who will look after me not because he is obliged but because he really wants to do so. I wish someone is taking care of me especially at a time like this.

Gaaaaad... I hate it when I become clingy and needy. I need to get rid of this flu A-S-A-P! I hate the fact that I can't cling to anyone else but myself.

I hate feeling the need for a boyfriend but not actually wanting it. I'm so evil and selfish. *sigh*

Tuesday, August 8, 2017

Betrayal

a balloon waiting to burst.
a zit waiting to pop.
a bacterium waiting to multiply.
a secret waiting to be revealed.
a chaos waiting to happen.
a story waiting to be told.
a fire waiting to spread.
a pain waiting to strike.
a tear waiting to drop.
a dream waiting to die.
a patience waiting to end.
a heart waiting to stop.
a love waiting to fade.
a trust waiting to break.