Wednesday, January 9, 2019

Forgiveness for 2019

Day by day I am learning to forgive myself. 2018 was mostly about a chain of poor decisions and this year is the year that I will make up for it. 2019 is the year that I will earn the forgiveness I deserve... the only forgiveness that I need right now... The only forgiveness that matters.

I need to forgive myself for putting myself into that mess. It was one hell of a love triangle story. It was toxic. I was not wrong to try and see my chances but I was very wrong to subject myself to the pain of being treated poorly thinking that I deserved it as some form of punishment to make up for my mistakes. I thought it was the right thing to do. I thought it was the best way to prove myself to someone but I was wrong. I was wrong to think that I deserved it all because the truth is, I don't.

What I deserve is a love that doesn't need to be taught or to be told what to do and how to do things. I do not deserve a love that puts mine to the test and then puts the blame on me when I break and walkaway. I deserve a love that is not lazy... a love that puts effort without being told. I deserve a love with initiative... a love that will not make me question my worth or whether or not I am good enough. I deserve a love that is mature and ready. I deserve a love that is passionate. I deserve a love that will drown me in madness. I deserve a love that makes me want to stay.

I deserve forgiveness... forgiveness that will come from myself, not from anyone else.

Someday, I will be forgiven.

Thursday, December 6, 2018

placebo, maybe

Maybe if I condition my mind that everything will be well, maybe everything will be well... eventually, at the very least. Maybe if I keep myself busy enough with work, with friends, and other stuff, then maybe my quest to getting my mind off things will be a success. Maybe if I channel all the pain and all the hurt to dancing, then maybe I will be able to create better pieces. Maybe if I stop thinking about everything, maybe I will be able to forget everything. Maybe if I stop asking questions, then maybe I will eventually tire of seeking for answers. Maybe if I start feeling okay, then maybe I will be okay. Maybe if I shift my focus to what's ahead then maybe, just maybe, I will be able to keep everything behind.

Sunday, December 2, 2018

You and I: Of reel and real life

You’re the only person who knows how much I cried when I  watched Miracle in Cell no. 7. You’re the only person who would understand why I never wanted to see this movie again. You were there beside me. You were there hugging me as my heart kept breaking in every scene of the movie. You saw how swollen my eyes were after watching. With my nose so pink and my hair so messy, you said I looked like a kid who lost her candies. Maybe I was because I had no idea a movie can leave you crying even after all its credits have finished rolling up. I was devastated.

And maybe, I was that movie to you. I’m that beautiful movie that you will never forget for the very reason that watching it once is already enough. I am that good movie that you will refuse to see again no matter how good it was because it broke you so bad that the idea of watching it again was not something you would want to do. Because watching it again would mean feeling everything including the pain it once brought you and it's not something you're prepared to experience all over again.

Whilst to me, you will always be the City of Angels -a movie that will always be dear to me. A movie that still leaves me in awe even though I've watched it over and over again. A movie that taught me and all others out there that if sacrificing everything would mean that you’ll get to hold and feel and be with that one person that you love, even just for a moment, then it will always be worth it.

This may be the end of it all - the end of us. But please know that I will always be thankful that I met you. I will always be thankful that we happened. I will always be thankful for all the lessons I've learned during my life with you. I will always be thankful.

We may not have been able to get the ending we hoped and worked for for eight years but maybe this is the ending God has intended for us. 

Thank you. Sorry.
I love you. Goodbye.

Monday, November 26, 2018

midnight feels

There are still some days when I wake up to the feeling of brokenness and sadness. On these days, I automatically give in to the sad thoughts that seemed to have found its way to the surface during my sleep. On these days, I still harbor the same questions that I asked myself back when you told me to fight for you.

There are days when I just want to stop thinking about you, to just give up loving you, and to stop waiting... But I guess it is true what they said that the heart wants what it wants. This heart wants what it wants and this heart still wants you. And as much as I no longer want to hope, a part of me is still holding on to the slight piece of thought that maybe, just maybe, yours still wants me too.

Right now, I just try to get my mind off things by spending time with friends, writing, reading, doodling, dancing, archery, binge-watching TVD on Netflix, and a whole lot of other activities. I hope that the fact that I have not been crying as often as I do before is an indication that what I am doing is effective. I cannot be more thankful for having such great friends who make me feel loved and cared for. I am thankful that God has surrounded me with people and opportunities that reminds me of His love and presence. Because of all these, my purple heart still manages to smile. I may have lost you but I still have lots of reasons to smile and to be thankful for.

If there's anything good that came out of this fiasco, it's the fact that my relationship with God has grown significantly stronger. It is His words and my prayers that are really helping me through everything. Through the power of prayers, I believe that, little by little, I am getting better despite the occasional bad days. There are less sleepless nights and less tears. I am also slowly getting my appetite back and even though it would mean gaining all the weight I've lost, I think that's still good.

My faith is bigger and stronger than my pain. With God by my side, there is nothing that I won't be able to face. I am saved.

Sunday, September 9, 2018

An excerpt

“...I know I keep overthinking and I hope one day I’ll learn to silence all these thoughts or to at least learn to live with it. And as much as I want to believe otherwise, I know I deserve all these after all the poor decisions I’ve made in the past that brought us to where we are right now. The only consolation I have is that maybe, just maybe, through my pain and suffering, you will eventually forgive me. Maybe if I suffer long enough and hard enough, I will be able to forgive myself for everything.

How I wish these words are enough to make you see the truth in my heart – that I have loved you and have not stopped loving you since the very start. Because if words are enough, then I will never stop writing about how much I want you to come back to me. I will never tire of writing how much I love you. I will never stop writing until you find your way back to me. I will never stop writing the same way that I will never stop loving you.”