Tuesday, February 13, 2018

Monday, February 12, 2018

Cold.

Whatever happened to me, I don't know. I used to be so sweet, so positive, so full of life. I don't know how and when I turned cold. Yes, I would always laugh especially when I'm with friends, crack jokes, and share funny stories to them but deep inside, I'm this tearless, cold-hearted bitch.

Last night, I randomly messaged some friends on FB, about 10 or more, just to ask them a super random question which based on their reactions, caught them off guard. I asked them what makes them feel alive. It's actually quite interesting to receive similar reactions from different people. Some of them didn't seem to have any difficulty in answering the question. There were also some who needed time to think about it and still haven't given any answer until now. The rest took about five minutes or so. Luckily, only three of them asked me back the same question.

My answer was I don't know. I am like a lost girl just floating to wherever life takes me. Prolly worse. While others answered pain, struggles, and challenges, a part of me heartbrokenly wished I could say the same things.

I’m at a loss. I really am...  beyond words, beyond comprehension. And how I wish someone would see through me and that person will  know the right words to say. That person will know what to do with me.

God, help me. Please.

Monday, February 5, 2018

untitled

It's not that I cannot function today. It's more like, I refused to function today.

January has been really bad and it's all my fault. I used to stand true to my belief that no one should make a decision while overly mad, sad, or happy until that day. Now I'm at a loss. I've made more damage than good for myself and for the people around me.

God, help me. What do I do?

Saturday, December 30, 2017

alone(ly)

No matter how hard I try to fight off loneliness, it somehow manages to get to me. It's prolly the holiday season or my hormones, or maybe both, that suddenly made me extra vulnerable to this kind of year-end drama.

Well, here's the thing. I am already used to dealing with and doing things alone but lately, I've been uncontrollably emotional about this. There were times when I'd rather go home late than be alone in my unit because the idea has become quite intolerable. On some nights, I would even skip dinner just because I don't feel like eating alone. I even had few crazy and overly dramatic moments where I'd torture myself with romantic movies and cry. Generally, the idea of not having someone to do things with suddenly became too much to handle.

I'll be honest. I miss having someone to take sweet and goofy selfies with during random date nights. I miss the fights, the arguments, and most especially the kiss-and-make-up part. I miss receiving love notes/letters that I would definitely reread over and over again because I am a sucker for old school romance like that. I miss the feeling of preparing gifts and surprises for special occasions like anniversary, Christmas, and Valentine's. I miss the randomness, the drama, the intimacy, and the security of knowing that someone is committed to loving the good and bad version of me.

I am missing a lot of things but above all these, I do miss waking up to the idea of being a part of someone's future plans.




Wednesday, September 6, 2017

clueless

"Ber" month is here and it won't be too long before the music around us become Jose Mari Chan-infested. My question is this: WHERE DID THE TIME GO? Where was I when the past eight months passed by. What happened to me? So much for living one day at a time.

Is this just a case of poor memory or there really wasn't anything memorable about the past eight months? God, I hope it isn't the latter.