Monday, April 16, 2018

Monday morning thoughts

Sometimes, we want someone or something so much that all our idle times are spent thinking about it. You want it enough to literally dream about it and to daydream about how good it can possibly be to have it, to hold it, to feel it, and to actually have a right over it. But most of the time, you want it so bad, so bad that the thought and the possibility of having it can also actually scare you as much as it can make you occasionally feel giddy inside.

Thursday, March 8, 2018

A Month of Celebration

March is my birth month and it's also coincidentally, International Women's month. Hence, I'd like to celebrate not just because of my birthday but also because I am at a point of my life where I am bombarded with moments of epiphany and empowerment.

So for this year's Marsobente (my birthday), I want to celebrate my life. I want to celebrate everything I've been through that made me the person that I am right now. I want to celebrate all the things - good or bad, that happened to me. I want to celebrate all the lessons I learned from all the pains and joys that I experienced along the way.

I want to celebrate all the great friends I had and still have. I want to celebrate the new people I met, the ones I crossed paths with again, and the ones I am yet to meet. I want to celebrate the people who lifted me up only to slam me down real hard. I want to celebrate the few genuine people I connected with very easily and very well. I want to celebrate the good men who liked me for who I am but I unfortunately didn't see as someone that can be more than a friend. I want to celebrate the men who made me feel that I wasn't enough and that I am nothing special. I want to celebrate the men who led me on and disappeared on me. I want to celebrate the men I wanted and admired but didn't feel the same way towards me. I want to celebrate the men who backed off because they couldn't handle my strong personality. I want to celebrate the people I hurt unintentionally . I want to celebrate the friends who became my support group during the times that I was at my weakest. I want to celebrate the new friends that I made and the old friends I reconnected with. I also want to celebrate those who were quick to judge me without bothering to ask me for an explanation and ironically still call me their "friend". I want to celebrate the friends who weren't happy for me when great things were finally happening in my life, especially on my career. I want to celebrate the friends who found it satisfying to talk about me behind my back. I want to celebrate the friends who were true and honest to me when it was easier to be otherwise.

I want to celebrate my pain. I want to celebrate the confusion and the uncertainties. I want to celebrate the frustrations and the disappointments. I want to celebrate my broken pieces and what's left of my beating heart. I want to celebrate the doubts, the lies, and the broken trust. I want to celebrate the emotional stress, the tears that I cried, and the sleepless nights. I want to celebrate the moments of realization. I want to celebrate the fact that I was not deserving of the bullshits that people threw my way. I want to celebrate the strength that I didn't know I have that helped me move forward in life. I want to celebrate the blessings that kept pouring in. I want to celebrate all the love that was given to me especially during those times that I was prolly the hardest person to love. I want to celebrate the people who took time to listen and those who had a heart to understand. I want to celebrate the new great things and people in my life. I want to celebrate the new friendships I found and the connections I built. I want to celebrate the ups after all the downs. I want to celebrate the rainbows after the storm that signified that there is still hope. I want to celebrate all the good and kind words that were told to me although until now, I still find it hard to believe.

Most of all, I want to celebrate the new me - the stronger, the wiser, and empowered version of myself. I want to celebrate the person that I have become as a result of all the good and bad things that happened in the past months.

I want to celebrate because my life, no matter how screwed up it is, is worth celebrating. I want to celebrate because I deserve this.


Tuesday, February 13, 2018

Monday, February 12, 2018

Cold.

Whatever happened to me, I don't know. I used to be so sweet, so positive, so full of life. I don't know how and when I turned cold. Yes, I would always laugh especially when I'm with friends, crack jokes, and share funny stories to them but deep inside, I'm this tearless, cold-hearted bitch.

Last night, I randomly messaged some friends on FB, about 10 or more, just to ask them a super random question which based on their reactions, caught them off guard. I asked them what makes them feel alive. It's actually quite interesting to receive similar reactions from different people. Some of them didn't seem to have any difficulty in answering the question. There were also some who needed time to think about it and still haven't given any answer until now. The rest took about five minutes or so. Luckily, only three of them asked me back the same question.

My answer was I don't know. I am like a lost girl just floating to wherever life takes me. Prolly worse. While others answered pain, struggles, and challenges, a part of me heartbrokenly wished I could say the same things.

I’m at a loss. I really am...  beyond words, beyond comprehension. And how I wish someone would see through me and that person will  know the right words to say. That person will know what to do with me.

God, help me. Please.

Monday, February 5, 2018

untitled

It's not that I cannot function today. It's more like, I refused to function today.

January has been really bad and it's all my fault. I used to stand true to my belief that no one should make a decision while overly mad, sad, or happy until that day. Now I'm at a loss. I've made more damage than good for myself and for the people around me.

God, help me. What do I do?