alone(ly)

No matter how hard I try to fight off loneliness, it somehow manages to get to me. It's prolly the holiday season or my hormones, or maybe both, that suddenly made me extra vulnerable to this kind of year-end drama.

Well, here's the thing. I am already used to dealing with and doing things alone but lately, I've been uncontrollably emotional about this. There were times when I'd rather go home late than be alone in my unit because the idea has become quite intolerable. On some nights, I would even skip dinner just because I don't feel like eating alone. I even had few crazy and overly dramatic moments where I'd torture myself with romantic movies and cry. Generally, the idea of not having someone to do things with suddenly became too much to handle.

I'll be honest. I miss having someone to take sweet and goofy selfies with during random date nights. I miss the fights, the arguments, and most especially the kiss-and-make-up part. I miss receiving love notes/letters that I would definitely reread over and over again because I am a sucker for old school romance like that. I miss the feeling of preparing gifts and surprises for special occasions like anniversary, Christmas, and Valentine's. I miss the randomness, the drama, the intimacy, and the security of knowing that someone is committed to loving the good and bad version of me.

I am missing a lot of things but above all these, I do miss waking up to the idea of being a part of someone's future plans.

clueless

"Ber" month is here and it won't be too long before the music around us become Jose Mari Chan-infested. My question is this: WHERE DID THE TIME GO? Where was I when the past eight months passed by. What happened to me? So much for living one day at a time.

Is this just a case of poor memory or there really wasn't anything memorable about the past eight months? God, I hope it isn't the latter.

the long weekend

Normally, I'd spend the long weekend either on a vacation or on a short road trip like Tagaytay, Batangas, and etc. This long weekend though was different. I just stayed in and buried myself with movies from Netflix, chips, doughnuts, and Pringles. Having done this, I wondered why on Earth did I never think of doing this before. It was so convenient and way more relaxing. Oh, it was equally fun too.

I think I'd be doing this more often on the coming weekends. It is so cheap, so convenient, and so comfortable. Not having to put on makeup during those three days except when I attended the mass (of course) was both priceless and liberating. LOL. Kidding aside, I felt more relaxed and for the first time in a long time, I didn't feel like the long weekend was bitin.

I feel like a legit tita already but I don't really care. Maybe this really happens when you begin to accept the fact that you're not getting any younger. You begin to realize that sometimes, if not most of the time, a fun weekend does not always have to include road trips or vacations. Sometimes, the best plan is to not have a plan.

PS. Having a great company is a plus, of course. *wink wink*

independent living

I was in college when I learned to be independent. I got in to UPLB so I had to stay at a dorm during my first year. It was where I experienced washing my own underwear for the first time since it didn't feel comfortable and safe to send to laundry service together with my other clothes. It was during then that I learned how to cook my own food - fry eggs, hotdogs, cook pancit canton, mash potatoes, and etc. It was also the first time that I had to live away from my family.

Now that I'm already working and since I've been transferred here in our main office in Ortigas, I had to live away from them again. It was easier then though coz I had other people with me. I had housemates and roommates but now, I don't. I'm living independently ALONE. Does that make any sense?

Living alone is exciting, liberating, and empowering but of course there's also a downside to it. There always is. I have my lonely nights too - nights when I wish that I am watching TV with someone or with a group of friends, someone to eat dinner with, someone who I can tell about how my day was while moving around the unit and multi-tasking at wits end, someone I can literally drag downstairs for a swim or for some air... just someone or some people who can help me feel sane. Although I also love the fact that I can have a quiet time or just do anything I want anytime without bothering and considering anyone else, I figured it's still better to not live alone.

Right now, I'm sick as f*ck and it'd be really nice to have someone around who I can ask for small favors like "Pasuyo ng water, please?" or "Can you check if may lagnat ako?" or someone who will listen to my rants about my headache and clogged nose. Huhu. It's really hard to move around while feeling dizzy and feverish. I always hafta make sure that everything I need is readily reachable coz I frigging hate it when I have to stand and move around. It actually makes me hate the fact that I am alone, literally and figuratively, It'd be helpful and great to have someone I can make lambing to, you know... Someone who will look after me not because he is obliged but because he really wants to do so. I wish someone is taking care of me especially at a time like this.

Gaaaaad... I hate it when I become clingy and needy. I need to get rid of this flu A-S-A-P! I hate the fact that I can't cling to anyone else but myself.

I hate feeling the need for a boyfriend but not actually wanting it. I'm so evil and selfish. *sigh*

Betrayal

a balloon waiting to burst.
a zit waiting to pop.
a bacterium waiting to multiply.
a secret waiting to be revealed.
a chaos waiting to happen.
a story waiting to be told.
a fire waiting to spread.
a pain waiting to strike.
a tear waiting to drop.
a dream waiting to die.
a patience waiting to end.
a heart waiting to stop.
a love waiting to fade.
a trust waiting to break.

what pms does to me

• It makes me sad without any specific reason. Oh apparently, there's a term for that - LYPROPHENIA. 
• Congruent to the first bullet, it makes me remember sad things. It makes me harbor all these sad thoughts which drag down my energy.
• I cannot be productive. I don't have energy to do the things that I need to do. 
• As a result of the third bullet, I easily give in to the tempting idea of procrastination.
• I become anti-social and grumpy. :( 
• WORST OF ALL: It makes me feel clingy and needy and it's extra hard especially now that I don't have anyone to cling to. 

HIRAP MAGING BABAE TAPOS SASAKTAN LANG KAMI NG BOYS. 

Have mercy naman! (Half bitter. Half charot)

Sulat kay crush

Dear Crush,

Mula dati pa, as in like mga 2008 or 2009 pa, napapansin na kita sa Multiply. Hindi ka pa ganun ka-visible sa dance community noon. Hindi ka pa ganun kagaling. Tapos ako naman member pa ako nun ng isang all-girl dance group. Since yung mga ka-group ko kaibigan yung ex mo na girlfriend mo pa that time, eventually naging magkaibigan din kami. To simply put, crush na kita talaga noon pa lang. Kaso taken ka at ako naman fresh from a 6-year relationship. Sad.

Ngayon, single nanaman ako tapos bigla nanaman kitang nakita online dahil sikat na choreographer ka na ngayon. Ayun, parang nagbalik lahat. Kilig na kilig ako pag napapanood ko yung mga sayaw mo. Kilig na kilig ako marinig yung boses mo sa IG stories. Yung tipong "Kaibigan" lang yung sinabi mo pero ang laki na ng ngiti ko. Pa-like like lang ako sa posts mo sa FB. Pinusuan ko pa nga yung profile pic mo. Pero sa dami ng reactions sa photo mo, alam kong suntok sa buwan ang isiping mapapansin mo ako. Kahit i-mention kita sa IG stories ko, di mo man lang ata napansin yung notif ng IG kaya di mo rin navuview or baka talagang ayaw mo. Nung nilabas mo sa twitter yung video mo kasama ang group nyo, shinare ko pa yun and may papansin na blurb pa na kasama yun pero waley pa rin. Kahit i-like di mo ginawa siguro kasi di mo na napapansin sa dami ng notifs na natatanggap mo sa Twitter. One time I even tried to reply sa IG story mo about your class pero ni-seen zone, wala. Sa dami ba naman kasi ng babaeng may gusto at nagbibigay ng attention sayo, pano mo nga ba naman ako mapapansin. Dadaan lang sayo ang notifs mula sa activities ko online na related sayo. Huhu.

Grabe! Nung first leg ng send off concert ng Alliance, ang lapit lapit ko lang sa pwesto nyo. Nasa taas tayo pareho and I was just three freakin' rows away. Sumisimple ako ng lingon sa pwesto nyo. Nakita ko busy ka sa cellphone mo. Siguro tinitingnan mo yung IG account ko, ano? CHAROT! Sa sobrang kilig ko, tinweet ko pa yung mga friends ko na may gusto rin sayo. Sabi ko ang lapit ko sa pwesto nyo. Abot kamay ang pangarap, ganern. OA, I know. Grabe, para akong highschool girl na may crush na upper class man. Seryoso.

Hay!! One day, magkakalakas ako ng loob na umattend sa class mo. And I'll make sure na mapapansin mo ako. Di mo man ako magustuhan, at least malaman mo na nag-eexist si acoe. Handa akong ma-friendzone kung yun lang yung way para maging parte ng buhay mo. Anuraaaaaw. Partida crush pa lang kita nyan, pano pa pag minahal kita. BOOOOOOM!

For now, makukuntento nalang muna ako sa panonood ng mga vids mo and sa pag-like ng tweets mo. Dito muna ako sa isang tabi at pupusuan ang mga FB posts mo. Pa-tweet tweet at pablog-blog about you. And sana one day, kapag nagmeet tayo, single parin tayo pareho and sana mapansin mo ang beauty ko. LOL!

(Siincerely) YOURS,
Zen

Good Goodbye, Chester.

Chester's death was the first news I heard today. I was in the shuttle en route to work when I read Unang Hirit's caption "Bokalista ng Linkin Park natagpuang patay". Imagine waking up to that kind of news... My heart broke almost instantly. That time, I wasn't sure if it was Chester or Mike but I hoped and prayed that it was just some fake news. But it wasn't.

So today, I'm playing Linkin Park songs in memory of Chester. He can be replaced with another great voice but we all know, his talent is unrivaled. Linkin Park will never be the same again.

On Kita Kita

This movie took me on a roller coaster ride. It wasn't anything like the typical romcoms that I watch every now and then. It was beyond amazing. It was sad and happy at the same time. The story is the epitome of a beautiful sadness.

The casting was perfect. The chemistry between Empoy and Alessandra is perfect. It shows even during their interviews and in the random BTS videos that have been going around social media. Empoy was a revelation. He was amazing in this movie. He was both funny and romantic and it was too hard not to fall in love in his character. Tonyo is the new pogi. Funny is the new pogi. On the other hand, Alessandra was also amazing as expected. She was so natural and really connected well with her character, Lea. She was effective as always.

For a filmbuff like myself, seeing films with a story line and cinematography as great as this is such a delight. I am hopeful that this is the start of the evolution of Filipino movies. If you haven't seen this movie, better make time for it while it's still showing. It's worth every peso and every ounce of energy.

As for me, I will never look at a heart and banana image the same way again.

sometimes

Sometimes, I think about the past and wonder what it would have been like if I did not give you my number. Will we still get the chance to talk and be friends? Will we still fall in love?

Sometimes, I wonder what if you didn't notice me during that event. Will there still be another time where the same thing will happen? Will you still ask about me?

Sometimes, I wonder if we hadn't met the way we did, where we did, and when we did... will our paths still cross?

Sometimes, I wonder if I never let you go, will we still be together?

Sometimes, I still think of you. But most times, I try not to anymore.

untitled. unlabeled.

I burned the bridge into ashes and stopped looking your way.
Bored a hole on my being and successfully flushed out your name.
Crushed the songs you usually sing and and threw all the lyrics away.
Painted my view with bright happy colors and used gray to blur your face.
Inhaled the fragrance of a fresh start and made sure that it’s your smell that I exhaled.
Abandoned the garden of our memories and used my pain to build a gate.
Filled the sky above it with clouds of pent-up emotions and put some tears so it would rain.
Transformed my regrets into thunder and made lightning out of my despair.
Now that I successfully transformed all my hurt, there’s only one thing left to make.
I shall take one last look of this painful masterpiece and then finally walkaway.

Of honesty and broken pieces

Tonight, with all the broken pieces of honesty that I have patiently kept just for this moment, I will to tell you that I am broken. I am broken inside and out, in so many pieces, in so many levels, and in so many ways. I am beyond repair. Tonight, I will tell you this as if it's something that you don't already know; as if it's something that doesn't have anything to do with you; as if it's something that you didn't do. I just really want to tell you.

I would give up everything I have just to get even just a tad bit of strength to put my tiny pieces back together. I would do it even if it meant giving up all my broken pieces since right now, it's literally all that I have. The sad truth though is that even if I was strong enough, I wouldn't know how to do it. I wouldn't know what needs to be done. I'm not even sure if I will want to do it. I've been broken for so long that I already forgot what it feels like to be whole. It's like the idea of it has become more and more unfamiliar with every time that I felt like I wasn't worth it at all.

There were some odd days though when I would feel like I finally figured this out only to realize in the end that I wasn't even half right. Crazy ideas would surface once in awhile perhaps out of my sheer stupidity and desperation. And every time it will happen, I would end up being thankful that I wasn't strong enough to do anything. Otherwise, I would have just caused more pain and more trouble.

So tonight, I decide to give up and to give in. I am already tired in my so-called quest to healing. Hence tonight, I will remember everything and feel everything once again. Tonight I will no longer deny that I am stuck in what seems to be a never ending story of how loving has broken me. Of how it is still breaking me. Tonight, through these words of brokenness that I managed to piece together, l wish that you will finally realize that I have not stopped breaking. That as much as I would like for this to end, my broken pieces will not be broken enough. It will continue breaking into smaller pieces over and over again. This is perhaps the reality that I  must accept. So tonight, as I unwillingly give in to the bittersweet reality of how much I have loved you; of how much I still do, I shall embrace this because I have finally come to realize that this is my reality. So tonight, like all the other nights that have gone and the nights that are yet to come, I will love you with all my broken pieces. I will love you as if every broken piece is whole. I will keep on loving you and I will keep on breaking. I will love you until all my broken pieces break into something that can no longer be recognized.

Or maybe even after that.

Summer of '98

It was during the summer of '98 and I was twelve back then. I would always hangout inside an abandoned jeepney just a few blocks away from our old house with my superfriends - Pia, Love-Love, and Bebot. We would always do, talk and write down crazy stuff that I couldn't recall anymore. All I remember was that jeepney was a witness of lots of crazy and fun memories of that summer of '98. We were just young girls biking around the village every afternoon hoping to get a glimpse of our crushes. We watched all the basketball games during the summer league of '98 because that's where all the cute guys are. We, just like most girls our age, secretly giggled a lot about the cute boys in the village.

I was just twelve. He was sixteen. He was tall. He was lovely with his hair almost covering his eyes. He was the best basketball player during that summer league of '98. He was such an eye candy. Other girls would always sit beside their bench and would always come and talk to him after every game. Me? Well, I was there too. I was there at the other side of the court with my friends. We would always go there early so we can sit at the bench directly opposite theirs. We never missed a game. I was always there with my silent cheers securely hidden in the sound of every applause I made everytime he would do something cool. I was there... just there watching him in awe from afar. He was a beauty in motion. It was crazy how I always manage to watch him in slow motion despite of how fast he runs from one side to the other. I was a twelve year-old fan girl. I was just twelve when I had my biggest crush. He was sixteen and he was my biggest crush. He was my eye candy. 

It was during the summer league of '98 when I first saw him. I was just twelve back then. It was that same summer when it happened. I was walking my way out of the court with my friends like we normally do after all the games when I heard an unfamiliar voice shouting my name. I saw this kid from another block running towards our direction. He was almost out of breath. What could he possibly need so urgently from me that he had to run as fast as he did? It took him a minute or so to catch his breath and finally told me what he needed. "May gustong kumausap sayo. Hintayin natin," were his exact words. I remember being oblivious. Well, what can you expect? I was just twelve.

It was during that summer of '98. I was just twelve. It was the first time I felt butterflies stampeding inside my "what-used-to-be-flat" stomach as if forcing their way out of my body. Before I could even ask who it was who wanted to talk to me, I saw him walking towards our direction. Could it be? Was it him? I felt a totally different and totally strong sense of panic. It would be the first time that I was actually presented an opportunity to see him upclose. However, at the time, I didn't think I can handle it. What do you expect? I was just twelve. So I just looked down on my bike acting like I was checking on something. I was planning to continue doing so until after he pass by. I felt my heart beat intensely that I could almost hear it. And as he gets nearer, my panic grew stronger. I tried to calm myself by reciting a mantra I created on the spot - "Mabilis lang yan. Lalagpas din agad." 

I was twelve. It was during that summer of '98 when I saw him upclose for the first time. Apparently, he was the one that the kid from another block was talking about. He was sixteen when he said he wanted to talk to me. I was twelve and he was sixteen when we were formally introduced to each other. It was during that summer of '98 when he asked for my landline number. I was twelve when I thought that he doesn't even know that I exist. I was twelve and he was sixteen when he first saw me. I was twelve when he would secretly look at me while I was not looking. I was twelve and he was sixteen when he saw me at the bench opposite theirs. He was sixteen when he watched me laugh and giggle with my friends from afar for the very first time. It was during that summer of '98 when he kept wondering how my laugh sounds. I was twelve and he was sixteen when he realized he wanted to know everything he can possibly know about me. I was twelve and he was sixteen when he told me all of these. 

I was twelve and he was sixteen and it was during that summer of '98 when I had my first and last summer fling. I was twelve and he was sixteen and it was a beautiful and memorable summer of '98. 

On loving my job

Here's something work-related for a change. See, my boss is Joe Zaldarriaga. He's the spokesperson of Meralco and the Head of Meralco's Corporate Communications - Public Information Office (PIO). He handles interviews about issues that involve the company.

After more than 8 years in the business center, I was able to transfer to Sir Joe's team. I now work as a Corporate Communications Associate since December of last year. Since I am already experienced in handling customer concerns, I always help him craft his statements during interviews. I do the necessary research and coordination and I often accompany him. That has been one of my major roles in the team.

I remember a few months ago, he mentioned that he will soon be assigning us some of his interviews, depending on what it is about. Of course, customer-related concern was assigned to me. True enough, the unimaginable happened.

Last April 17, I was interviewed via phonepatch for the first time. Luckily, it was just about a busted streetlight which took awhile to be repaired. Whew. It was nerve-wracking. I felt my fingers go numb while I was talking to Julius Babao. It was then that I realized that my boss's job is so much harder than I imagined it to be. One wrong word/statement can and may cause an impact on Meralco's image as a company.

April 17 Interview

April 20 Interview

Sir Joe said that my voice had a good register on air and contrary to how I think I sounded, he said I sounded friendly. He also said that I did good so I guess it's safe to assume that I did not say anything wrong during the interview because honestly, I was really panicking inside during the interview and I can't remember most of the things I said on air after so I really wasn't sure if I did well but since Sir Joe said that I did good then I just have to take his word for it. Gotta be used to this.

True it is that when you love your job, it loves you back. I'm excited and nervous all in one breath. *big smile*

Happy birthday, Mommy!

Here's something I wrote for my mom for her birthday last April 17.

She doesn't look like she's 56 but she is. 

We all think and believe that our mom is the best mom there is because it'll be worse than a crime to say and believe otherwise, right? It's also what the law of God dictates. The fourth commandment clearly says, "Honor thy father and thy mother." Besides, she is the only mother I got which practically doesn't give me any choice. It's not like I grew up under someone else's guidance.

HOWEVER, that isn't really the case. I will tell you my mom is the best because that's a fact. That's THE fact. She really is. I can live one life after the other and if given the chance to choose who I want for a mom, I will choose her over and over and over and over again. Sounds like a cliche but again, that's a fact. That's THE fact. Being a mother, as I've witnessed, is a "tiresome-no-joke-I-want-a-break-but-who-am-I-kidding" kind of job and that is why everyday as I watch my mom do her thing, I still feel amazed with how great she is in being one. Her greatness honestly makes me doubt myself if I can be as great or a better one someday. She set the bar so high that reaching it seems next to impossible.

See, I can rave all day and bombard you all with reasons why I can confidently claim that I have the best mom but Mother's Day isn't until next month so I gotta save some for that. Actually, all I really want is to just greet her because it's her birthday today. Yes, it's her birthday hence it is only fitting to shower her with loving words and compliments that are based on facts of course, isn't it? *wink*

To my beautiful mom, happy, happy birthday! You're another year wiser and stronger and you should be proud, Mama. You've endured a lot. You may not be able to do most of the things that you want to do for yourself because you keep doing things for us and because we take a lot of your time and I admit we are oftentimes a pain in the *ss but please know that you are always appreciated and that none of your efforts and sacrifices ever goes unnoticed. We love you so much, Mama. Thank you for everything. Ikaw yung birthday celebrator but it was us, since the day you married dad, that was given the greatest gift - YOU!

Again, happy birthday and I hope you had a great time today because you deserve nothing but the best of everything. Love you so much and I'll see you soon!

                                                                                       ###

I love my mother so much and I can't imagine not needing her in this lifetime ever. My mom deserves more than well-stitched loving words and I may not be the perfect daughter but I am trying my best to make her feel loved every chance I get. My mom is the best. She really is. 

I'm 31. So what?

Why do some people make it seem like still having high standards at my age is something that is not good to have? I have limited time, maybe but does that mean I have limited choices as well? "Your market value decreases as you age." Market? Value? wtf. Then if that's the case, I'm a wine. I get better with age and time. So, LEAVE. ME. ALONE.

I do understand that there's a conception-related risk involved here like I may not have a baby or it may be difficult to have one. Needless to say but it's obviously the risk I am willing to take. I know a lot of people who have been married before their 30s but still hasn't conceived yet. Not to mention that I also have female friends who are not married but already have kid/s. Point is, if you're meant to have a child, you will have one. Neither civil status nor age can hold bearing to that. Maybe it just increases the probability of it happening but that's beside the point.

I don't want to settle just because I am worried about my eggs or just because I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. I admit, I still dream of walking down the aisle, changing my surname, getting pregnant, being called mama, and all those stuff but I refuse to settle just to have that. We're talking about lifetime commitment here and frankly, after all my failed and "almost" relationships, I am scared to make the mistake of settling for the sake of settling. If you get what I mean.

These are my eggs and this is my life and it's no one else's effin' business.

Of weddings and punishments

She stopped talking to me. FB messages were seen but left unanswered like everything on it didn't matter AT ALL. Like every apology and bit of explanation meant nothing. Text messages were ignored like it was a scam or some random advisory from Globe. She would send stuff to our friends and would exclude me. She would like their posts but not mine. Heck, even her best friend who happens to be one of my best pals too seemed to be taking sides now, which is actually fine except that the side he chose was not mine. I am being punished for missing her wedding like it's something I did purposely. Like I missed it for something that's not important. Like I never wanted to go at all. 

She is unforgiving and it breaks my heart.

pms writing

Been feeling extra sensitive and extra emotional lately. Maybe this is just pms talking.. errrr, writing. In ordinary days, the only tweets you'll see on my account would be the ones I cross post from my IG. But now, I've just posted my seventh tweet for the day. I repeat, seventh.

Odd as it may seem but today, I really feel like a pail filled with water... so full that even the slightest of movements can and will cause spillage. And like any liquid, volatile as it naturally is, it will eventually go away on its own. It will evaporate on thin air and will leave no trace. Like nothing really happened. Like I never said anything. Like I never felt anything.

I am not word vomiting, am I? PMS, go away.

I remember my excitement whenever I would see you around. I remember  how while you're walking I would wait for you to look my way because I love how your face would brighten up whenever you see me and you would stare at me until I feel conscious and uncomfortable because you know perfectly that it's exactly what will happen and that I hate it when you do that.

And today, I saw you in your uniform looking sharp and manly as always, holding a black tote bag, striding with the wind blowing against your direction. As I watched you move further away, I can't describe what I felt.

Well, how do you describe nothing?

the tale of 'mysushidiet'

Others pegged my blog as a food blog because it has the words "sushi" and "diet" together. Well, it does sound like one but it isn't a food blog or anything of the sort. The contents are far from being enticing and mouth-watering. It's more of an "anti-boredom-spill-the-beans-cry-your-heart-out" kind of thing. Yes, very self-serving. ikr.

I remember going through an emotional time when I decided that I needed a blog. Hence, the birth of mysushidiet. It was just so I can have an outlet. Somewhere where I can say anything about anything... somewhere where I can write the things that I was too afraid to say. This is why my posts are primarily about frustrations, anger, pain, disappointment, and the like because these are the things that I refuse to just keep to myself. Ever since, writing has always been my way of releasing the negative energy in me with the hopes of reaching out to the reason/s behind my posts without having to go through the dramas of a confrontation. Blah blah.

Deciding that I want a blog was easy. Deciding what to name it was the hard part. It may not be that big of a deal to others but to me, it is. I have high standards on this particularly because I myself don't pay attention to blog sites that doesn't draw my attention. So I figured it has to be something that sounds good and unique and vague since I don't plan to focus on any topic like fashion, travel, food, or whatnot. I didn't want it to sound uber melodramatic or melancholic in any way and I didn't want it to sound boring or serious either. So I thought of my interests, favorites, the trivial things about me, and etc. and that's how I came up with mysushidiet.

I've always been a sushi freak. Yes, I'm that girl with a Chinese bloodline who will always choose sushi, sashimi, gyudon, and etc over noodles, siopao, and dumplings without second thoughts. As for the word 'diet', well, to me, diet is like love - something that I want so much but cannot commit to. Luh. San galing 'yon?

Anyway, this blog has been up and (quite) active since November of 2007 and it has always been mysushidet. At one point, I thought of changing it to something else, something more creative and more catchy and cute but I kinda feel odd just thinking of doing so.

I guess I'm really not good with changes and goodbyes. Well. who is, anyway?

random tralala.

I think my problem is not that I have such an inexplicably high tolerance for pain and bullsh*t but my inability to recognize it when it comes.

tgif.

Right click. Open in new tab. Read. Repeat.

My birthday is fast approaching - 26 days to go, to be exact. Last year, I promised myself that I will celebrate my birthday anywhere but in the Philippines, for a change. Hence, I dedicate every bit  of my free time on reading various travel blogs to educate myself on different travel tips, travel hacks, efficient spending, travel routes, and whatnot. I am really learning a lot but apart from learning, the "traveler-wanna-be" inside of me is getting giddy more and more as I keep on reading on others' adventures. I am beginning to think whether or not this is my calling. OA.

I am amused by the stories of successful full-time travel bloggers. How I wish I am brave enough to do what they did - left their job and traveled the world. Most of them make a living by maintaining their travel blogs. How I wish I can do that. Someday, maybe?

My blog banner says it all. I am a sporadic writer. So how am I suppose to make a living out of this? Not to mention the fact that I only write a lot when I am depressed or sad. Not unless I can make money by writing about my frustrations in life, heartbreaks, and everything else that I always write about. How would I sell my sadness? Who would want to buy or invest on something melodramatic? Seriously? Although now, I am trying to write as often as I can and I am trying my best to shy away from being melodramatic. Law of attraction. Law of attraction. I always remind myself about this.

Wish me luck and make it appear convincing as if you really care. Ktnxbye.

A minor epiphany: Win-win Situation

You gotta be thankful for meeting shitty people, really. Why? Because it's through them that we get to see who the really good ones are. Being with shitty people makes you appreciate the ones who were actually genuinely good.

Meeting the wrong ones make you feel more excited in meeting the right one. Or maybe, I already met him? *pabebe smile*

Blog Makeover

I want to change this blog into something that is more worthy of (y)our time.

How? I'm thinking of trying to post less about the dramas of my life and instead, write about my travel experiences, food  and movie reviews, and other random things that interest me. 

Why? Well, let's just say, I just don't want any more drama in my life. Not that I can totally avoid it but at least I can write less and less about it until it'll be no longer worth writing about. 

I want to focus more on the good things that happen to me no matter how random they are. Maybe if I become successful in doing so then I might actually develop a higher tolerance for all the dramas, negativity, and the "almost-day-to-day" emo shitshits I encounter.

Law of attraction, eh! Let's see how this one will work. Can't feel more intrigued, really.
And I shall begin in 3... 2... 1. *fingers crossed*

Done with the BS.

It was a long hard-fought self battle. It was toxic and stressful in so many ways. I still don't know what kept me on it and I thought discovering it is a prerequisite before I win over this one. Basic problem solving procedure: Identify the problem so you can provide the solution to it, right? Turns out, in my case, it isn't.

Thing is, I don't give up on people easily. I have tons of faith that everyone can change hence, everyone deserves a chance. But once I lose that faith, that's it. It will take more than effort to convince me to take someone back. Actually, most of the time, there's nothing that can be done anymore. Once I get tired of the stupidities, martyrdom, exerting effort to understand the things that hurt me, trying to accept things that is waaaaaay less than what I always knew in my heart that I deserve, I'll leave just like that. And believe me, the person will not ask why. He will not ask why because he knows. HE SHOULD KNOW.

To be honest, there's nothing more rewarding than a moment like this... the moment when you finally realize that it isn't going to work and that trying to fix things will only be pointless. It is at moments like this that I am no longer vulnerable hence, the person automatically loses whatever power he has over me since the beginning. All of a sudden I am free from stress and negative thoughts. No more toxicity, just pure self-love. It is at times like this that I become the happiest because even though I got hurt, at least I know I tried.

Okay, I'll admit to being stubborn as to why I let things like this happen to me, why I expose myself to so much pain, why I keep trying to understand others and why I always accept their shortcomings when I always knew that I will get tired and give up eventually. Well, let's just say, I am still hopeful. Yes, odd as it may seem, I still am even after every failed relationship I've been in.

I am still hopeful that someday, someone will see my worth before I give up... that despite his imperfection, he will try to be his best self for me instead of using it as a lame excuse for his shortcomings. I am still hopeful that in spite of my willingness to expose myself to pain, he will not hurt me or at least, won't do it intentionally. I am hopeful, still hopeful, that someday, somewhere, there is that one person who will love me the way I always deserve to be loved. I am hopeful that soon, I will find him or maybe, just maybe... One of these days, he will finally find me.

Patience and faith, Zen. Patience and faith.