Wednesday, August 9, 2017

independent living

I was in college when I learned to be independent. I got in to UPLB so I had to stay at a dorm during my first year. It was where I experienced washing my own underwear for the first time since it didn't feel comfortable and safe to send to laundry service together with my other clothes. It was during then that I learned how to cook my own food - fry eggs, hotdogs, cook pancit canton, mash potatoes, and etc. It was also the first time that I had to live away from my family.

Now that I'm already working and since I've been transferred here in our main office in Ortigas, I had to live away from them again. It was easier then though coz I had other people with me. I had housemates and roommates but now, I don't. I'm living independently ALONE. Does that make any sense?

Living alone is exciting, liberating, and empowering but of course there's also a downside to it. There always is. I have my lonely nights too - nights when I wish that I am watching TV with someone or with a group of friends, someone to eat dinner with, someone who I can tell about how my day was while moving around the unit and multi-tasking at wits end, someone I can literally drag downstairs for a swim or for some air... just someone or some people who can help me feel sane. Although I also love the fact that I can have a quiet time or just do anything I want anytime without bothering and considering anyone else, I figured it's still better to not live alone.

Right now, I'm sick as f*ck and it'd be really nice to have someone around who I can ask for small favors like "Pasuyo ng water, please?" or "Can you check if may lagnat ako?" or someone who will listen to my rants about my headache and clogged nose. Huhu. It's really hard to move around while feeling dizzy and feverish. I always hafta make sure that everything I need is readily reachable coz I frigging hate it when I have to stand and move around. It actually makes me hate the fact that I am alone, literally and figuratively, It'd be helpful and great to have someone I can make lambing to, you know... Someone who will look after me not because he is obliged but because he really wants to do so. I wish someone is taking care of me especially at a time like this.

Gaaaaad... I hate it when I become clingy and needy. I need to get rid of this flu A-S-A-P! I hate the fact that I can't cling to anyone else but myself.

I hate feeling the need for a boyfriend but not actually wanting it. I'm so evil and selfish. *sigh*

Tuesday, August 8, 2017


a balloon waiting to burst.
a zit waiting to pop.
a bacterium waiting to multiply.
a secret waiting to be revealed.
a chaos waiting to happen.
a story waiting to be told.
a fire waiting to spread.
a pain waiting to strike.
a tear waiting to drop.
a dream waiting to die.
a patience waiting to end.
a heart waiting to stop.
a love waiting to fade.
a trust waiting to break.

Monday, August 7, 2017

what pms does to me

  • It makes me sad without any specific reason. Oh apparently, there's a term for that - LYPROPHENIA
  • Congruent to the first bullet, it makes me remember sad things. It makes me harbor all these sad thoughts which drag down my energy.
  • I cannot be productive. I don't have energy to do the things that I need to do. 
  • As a result of the third bullet, I easily give in to the tempting idea of procrastination.
  • I become anti-social and grumpy. :( 
  • WORST OF ALL: It makes me feel clingy and needy and it's extra hard especially now that I don't have anyone to cling to. 

Have mercy naman! (Half bitter. Half charot)

Sulat kay crush

Dear Crush,

Mula dati pa, as in like mga 2008 or 2009 pa, napapansin na kita sa Multiply. Hindi ka pa ganun ka-visible sa dance community noon. Hindi ka pa ganun kagaling. Tapos ako naman member pa ako nun ng isang all-girl dance group. Since yung mga ka-group ko kaibigan yung ex mo na girlfriend mo pa that time, eventually naging magkaibigan din kami. To simply put, crush na kita talaga noon pa lang. Kaso taken ka at ako naman fresh from a 6-year relationship. Sad.

Ngayon, single nanaman ako tapos bigla nanaman kitang nakita online dahil sikat na choreographer ka na ngayon. Ayun, parang nagbalik lahat. Kilig na kilig ako pag napapanood ko yung mga sayaw mo. Kilig na kilig ako marinig yung boses mo sa IG stories. Yung tipong "Kaibigan" lang yung sinabi mo pero ang laki na ng ngiti ko. Pa-like like lang ako sa posts mo sa FB. Pinusuan ko pa nga yung profile pic mo. Pero sa dami ng reactions sa photo mo, alam kong suntok sa buwan ang isiping mapapansin mo ako. Kahit i-mention kita sa IG stories ko, di mo man lang ata napansin yung notif ng IG kaya di mo rin navuview or baka talagang ayaw mo. Nung nilabas mo sa twitter yung video mo kasama ang group nyo, shinare ko pa yun and may papansin na blurb pa na kasama yun pero waley pa rin. Kahit i-like di mo ginawa siguro kasi di mo na napapansin sa dami ng notifs na natatanggap mo sa Twitter. One time I even tried to reply sa IG story mo about your class pero ni-seen zone, wala. Sa dami ba naman kasi ng babaeng may gusto at nagbibigay ng attention sayo, pano mo nga ba naman ako mapapansin. Dadaan lang sayo ang notifs mula sa activities ko online na related sayo. Huhu.

Grabe! Nung first leg ng send off concert ng Alliance, ang lapit lapit ko lang sa pwesto nyo. Nasa taas tayo pareho and I was just three freakin' rows away. Sumisimple ako ng lingon sa pwesto nyo. Nakita ko busy ka sa cellphone mo. Siguro tinitingnan mo yung IG account ko, ano? CHAROT! Sa sobrang kilig ko, tinweet ko pa yung mga friends ko na may gusto rin sayo. Sabi ko ang lapit ko sa pwesto nyo. Abot kamay ang pangarap, ganern. OA, I know. Grabe, para akong highschool girl na may crush na upper class man. Seryoso.

Hay!! One day, magkakalakas ako ng loob na umattend sa class mo. And I'll make sure na mapapansin mo ako. Di mo man ako magustuhan, at least malaman mo na nag-eexist si acoe. Handa akong ma-friendzone kung yun lang yung way para maging parte ng buhay mo. Anuraaaaaw. Partida crush pa lang kita nyan, pano pa pag minahal kita. BOOOOOOM!

For now, makukuntento nalang muna ako sa panonood ng mga vids mo and sa pag-like ng tweets mo. Dito muna ako sa isang tabi at pupusuan ang mga FB posts mo. Pa-tweet tweet at pablog-blog about you. And sana one day, kapag nagmeet tayo, single parin tayo pareho and sana mapansin mo ang beauty ko. LOL!

(Siincerely) YOURS,