I am writing because I am worried that I have been what you may consider as shallow, lately. So much have happened and the past months were a roller coaster ride of emotions. I have been more sad than happy, if I remember it right; especially during this time of the day when the noise around me starts to fade and silence slowly takes place. This kind of ambiance just makes me feel helpless. As much as I try to escape the thoughts that I have tried to dismiss for most time of the day, it's just not possible.
I usually just leave my tv on 'til I fall asleep. At least there's noise. It may not be loud enough but at least, it's audible enough to help me keep my guard up against these thoughts that I feel so tired already to entertain. But since my cable connection's still messed up, I'm having a hard time catching sleep. These sad thoughts are keeping me awake and restless.
Truth is, I am scared. I'm scared coz I feel like a fish on a bird's nest struggling and desperately hoping someone would notice me and put me back to the sea. I don't want to die. I don't want to lose this life. I just want to swim away. I don't usually let others suck the life out of me but I'm afraid I am defeated already.
For the past months that I exhausted all my efforts to keep myself steady and sane, the only thing I looked forward to (except for the days I spent with Mitch) was when it's time to pull the long Purple storage box under my bed and choose what iPhone case to use next. Pathetic would clearly be an understatement but that's the truth. My iPhone case collection, as non-sense as it may seem, is usually the only thing that excites me nowadays. It actually gives me something good to look forward to. And it makes me smile. As pathetic as it is, you know what they say, "Never regret the things that made you smile because at one time in your life, it was what you wanted." I'm keeping this in mind.
Right now, as sad as it really is, this is one of the very few things in my life (Mitch included) that I can hang on to for happiness. And I'm not letting it go.