Friday, November 30, 2007

gloomy day


It was around 11am when I stood outside SM. That was the first time I did that. For a first time-[r], it was indeed memorable... but in a not-so-good way.

Time check.

See, hours already passed me and random things happened in between; but I can still paint a virtual image of how gloomy that morning looked like. It looked really sad, much like an abandoned gray sky. Nothing but fog and running PUJ's. Just plain, colorless horizon.

Gloomy, cold day.
I need a hug.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Sheryl Cruz... I don't like her.

I don't like her as an actress. She tends to exaggerate her acting. I'm beginning to wonder why was she able to stay in the business this long... ayoko talaga sa acting niya, so full of effort.

Yeah, I know Miss Minchin is really a mischievous person in the kiddie series Sarah, Ang Munting Prinsesa. I just don't get it why every time she has to be mean to Sarah or to whoever, she screams from the top of her poor lungs while delivering lines. Argh. She's so noisy. Her voice is so irritating. Poor throat. Tsk tsk tsk.

Sayang, she's pretty pa naman. I think she's better off as an image model and not an actress.
Coz as an actress, she kinda suck. :D


Life starts at 40.

Wala lang. This is my 40th post kasi. Sobrang non-sense diba? Kumusta naman yun. Haha.

Oh well, I just wish that this blog will have:
+ more life,
+ more visitors,
+ and more sense.

Maybe after this...
Life begins at 40, after all.


Monday, November 26, 2007


Okay, I'm not emo at all but let me be one for now.
I just wanna share this.

I am missing Erik really, really bad. We haven't talked as often and as "tuluy-tuloy" as before these past few days. But we're okay, it's just that, he's been busy and so was I. He was busy with dancing and I was busy with our family business. Ganito siguro talaga when two people don't do the same things together anymore, like us. *sigh

But hey, just so we're crystal, we're really okay. We're not on a rocky road and we're not breaking up or cooling off. I just have to say this, that I miss him big time. Call me defensive, I don't care. *wink.

Maybe this is a "patikim" on what it will be like when we finally both have our own jobs and pursue our own dreams. But nevertheless, I'm thankful to God that He is letting us experience this as early as now. At least, we can use this to our advantage. We can adjust on each other's schedule and make things work. I know we can pull this off. Kami pa?!

In a few days, we'll be celebrating our fourth anniversary. It will be our fourth December 6 together. Grabe, how time flies. Imagine, four years? Not that it's unbelievable. It's just that, I think it's an achievement to stay together for this long and still go stronger every day. Sa dami ba naman ng nakikilala namin sa araw-araw, at sa dami ng nag-interes na mag-penetrate sa relasyon namin... to celebrate our fourth anniversary is really both an achievement and a gift.

And may I add, I am very proud of the two of us because we never had a fight about him or me being jealous of another person. We never had a problem about that. What can I say, we're both good BOOs. :)

It's also very flattering because the people around us always tells us stuff like "Basta imbitado ako sa kasal ha...", "Kayo, mag-break? Newsflash yun pag nagkataon", and blah-blah-blah... It's a very nice feeling knowing that people get inspired with what we have. Few of our friends even told us that we are a living proof that true love still does exist in the world today.

There's nothing nicer than seeing people care for you and care for what you have and be happy because they can see that you're happy or be sad because they can see you're sad. It's nice to affect people's lives.

How I really wish for others to discover this infamous blog because I really want the whole wide world (www - lol!) to know that...

I am happily in love and happily loved.
Four years and will keep on counting.

the g-cash experience

Okay, you can call me "kamote" all you like. But yes, it's true. Today, I had my first gcash experience. Congratulations to me. Hahaha!! I cashed in 250 bucks for the dress I bought from a Multiply on-line shop. Now, I have done my part and proven that I'm not a bogus buyer so now, all I have to do is wait for 24 hours to see if she's not a bogus seller.

There's nothing much to write about really.

The Gcash experience, ladies and gentlemen, is the highlight of my November 26. Oh well, just another way of saying that my day is nothing but a bore. =D

Sunday, November 25, 2007


Freaky coincidence.

It was around 7pm when this happened. I was walking back and forth in the church's parking lot while waiting for my mom. It was kinda dark and there's nobody around. Then I received a text from one of my old friends [hi osang!].

This was the content:

May isang mag-syota na kasali sa isang mountaineering group. Isang araw habang nasa camping ang grupo ay kinailangan ng babae na maiwan sa base camp dahil sa slight injury sa katawan. Batuloy ang grupo sa pag-akyat kasama ng kanyang bf at naiwan siyang mag-isa.

Umabot ng limang araw bago nakabalik ang grupo at laking pagtataka ng babae na hindi kasama ang bf niya.Tinanong niya ang mga kasama kung nasaan ang lalaki at ang tanging sagot lang nila, "Nagkaron ng landslide sa taas. Natabunan siya at hindi nakaligtas."

Hindi matanggap ng babae ang balita. Nang gabing natutulog na ang lahat sa base camp, parang may nag-udyok sa kanyang lumabas at maglakad-lakad. Sa paglalakad, laking gulat niya ng makita niya ang kanyang bf na gumagapang at puno ng lupa ang katawan at sinabing, "Buti nakita kita. Nagkaron ng landslide sa taas. Ako lang ang nakaligtas."

Ang tanong: Kanino siya dapat maniwala?


Given the place and the availability of lighting when I received that message, I guess it's normal to freak out. Right? Because I did... big time! Muntik nang matanggal yung balahibo ko sa tindi ng goosebumps ko kanina. It really was a freaky coincidence. Until now, nag-gugoosebumps pa rin ako pag naaalala ko.

Another product of boredom

I found this link while browsing my friend, Janine's Multiply site. I know that this is just non-sense but nevertheless, I tried it. I tried to see what the site will tell me.

Crap. By the way, the site is about knowing your past life.

I was reading the instructions when I ran on a funny part on it. Before the site can diagnose who you were in your past life, it would require you to enter your birthday, which was really fine and expected. It's just that, the way it was stated in the site... I can't help but laugh a little. It said: "To know the answer, just type in the date when you were born in your present life." I was like "Malamang birthday sa present life. As if naman alam ko yung birthday ko nung past life ko."

Fast forward. The result.

General Diagnosis:
"I don't know how you feel about it, but you were male in your last earthly incarnation.You were born somewhere in the territory of modern Phillippines around the year 1425. Your profession was that of a builder of houses, temples and cathedrals."

Comment: Okay, lalaki raw ako dati... baka kaya boyish ako ngayon. BOINK.

Brief Psychological Profile:
"Ruthless character, carefully weighing his decisions in critical situations, with excellent self-control and strong will. Such people are generally liked, but not always loved."

Comment: Naka-relate ako dun sa "generally liked, but not always loved" na part. It holds a measure of truth kasi. Drama.

My sexy name is...

Click here to go to the site.

*drumroll please*

Actuall I've several sexy names... (haha, anti-climactic lang)
Depende sa kung ano yung itype ko, so I tried how clever this thing works. I tried my full name, nickname, real name and here's what I got. Hahaha!!!

ZEN = Zillionaire Exchanging Necking
Comment: Okay, ako na ang zillionaire!

RENZANNE = Ravishing Exciting Non-conformist Zealously Administering Necking and Naughty Embraces
Comment: Okay, ang daming adjectives, wala akong ma-say. Matry nga yung mas mahirap.

RENZANNE FORTALEZA = ayaw na niya.
Comment: Okay, akala ko mauutakan ko. =D 10 letters pala ang maximum.

Obviously, for the lamest reason - boredom, kaya ko ito naisipan gawin. To end this non-sense, I'd like to comment on my sexy name... names, for this matter.

Ako na ang mahilig sa Necking! Hahahaha!

How cute can babies get? omg.

I was browsing my Message Board (Multiply) to see what's new then I bumped into this post by my very good friend, AJ. It was titled Humor to 100%. So I checked it out.

After a couple of minutes or more or less an hour, I found myself still on that site and watching the video over and over again. It was really hilarious and really, really cute.

Pantanggal stress at pagod 'to.

I also posted it in my account. Click "here" to view the video. :D

Kudos to The Team!!

Yes, the group made it.

The team nailed the performance last night at the FUBU Street Dance Challenge. We bagged the third place. Jesus Rocks! We won a place and everybody saw and knows that the team deserves it. Some even said we deserve to be the second place. One said we can be the champion of this competition. Thanks to the respect and to the appreciation.

Third man yan, first, second, or kahit hindi nanalo, ang mahalaga nag-enjoy.

For the team, it's not all about winning ever since. We just want to show what we did with the talent He gave us. We believe that there are more important things than winning, kumbaga bonus na lang yun. We were after the experience, the fellowship, and the enjoyment. Yun lang ma-invite sa isang competition kung saan sinasabing best of the bests lang ang nabigyan ng slot ay sobrang laking panalo na for the group.

Oftentimes, gaining respect means more than winning... and to have it both, yes it's sooooper fulfilling talaga. Nevertheless, di man naka-place, it won't break the team's heart kasi nag-enjoy sila and we saw it when they performed the routine. Congratulations guys!

We're really happy talaga kasi kahit two weeks preparation lang yung Team for FUBU [kasi hindi naman na talaga gusto isali ni Mam Jlu yung team kaya lang bawal na mag-backout], naging okay pa rin yung outcome. God talaga has ways of making things happen. Much love and thanks to Him.

Dancing is our way of glorifying Him and we are very happy and thankful na nagugustuhan Niya ang mga inalay naming sayaw sa kanya.

To GOD be the Glory!
UPLB Street Jazz.... JESUS!!!!!!!!

Saturday, November 24, 2007

Today's the Big Day

Grabe, bilis ng araw. Nagising na lang ako at na-realize ko na Saturday na. It sure feels weird na may comeptition pero hindi ako gumising ng maaga at wala ako sa Elbi.

Nakakapanibago yung sa araw ng competition, ang laman ng text ko sa mga tao ay "Guys good luck... Kaya NIYO yan." blah blah blah. Nobody even bothered to reply sa mga text na yun, busy kasi siguro. Then I asked myself, "Ganun din kaya yung pakiramdam nung ibang nagtetext na hindi na namin narereplyan sa mismong araw ng competition?"

Today's surely a big day sa group kasi FUBU Street Dance Challenge is one of the biggest competitions of the group. Aside from the fact that it's invitational, only the ten best collegiate dance crews were encouraged to join and guess what, [kahit obvious naman] we were one of the chosen few. Mas mabigat pa siya sa Skechers Street Dance Battle kasi best of the bests talaga agad yung labanan. Tipong one blow lang.

Today's also a big day for me. My being an alumna of the group begins in this competition. This is just the start so I guess I have to get used to it a-s-a-p. I also think it's normal for me to feel really weird and somewhat envious of them for the experience kasi fresh pa yung nangyari. Iba kasi yung kasama ka dun sa bumubuo ng team na kinilalang one of the bests tapos you get to represent the university sa isang mabigat na competition like FUBU. Nevertheless, I am really, really happy and excited for the team.

Naisip ko rin, okay na rin naman. Kahit di ako kasama sa lineup mamaya, I know I contributed a lot to bring the team to where it is right now kasi isa naman ako sa mga nagcocompete before this one. Plus, ang basis naman ng FUBU for choosing the ten best competitors ay yung past perfromances ng Team, which I was a part of. So okay na rin. Masaya na akong nakatulong sa grupo. Siguro, niloob na rin ni God na mangyari ito kasi baka time na para i-let go ko ang pagcocompete and be prepared for the bigger things in life. Bigger in the sense na mas magrerequire ng responsibility.

Anyway, I saw the team practice once or twice last week and I must really say that the routine got better and really, really stronger. I am pretty confident that they'll place in this competition. Ang galing talaga nila eh. *GOOSEBUMPS

Oh well, ngayon pa lang, winner na yung team for me. :)

Shopping on Multiply =)

This is actually the first time I'm going to do this. Do what? Buy something from someone I don't know.

Ooooh I just loved the yellow and black striped dress. It was really cute. If not for that piece of garment, I would not have tried this for the first time - trusting a total stranger. Though she seemed kinda nice, it's just so hard to trust. Especially if I'm about to hand in 250 bucks and just wait and sit for 24 hours to see whether or not this is an authentic business transaction.

Oh well, who knows this may turn out just fine. Bianca already tried doing this so I guess it's safe. I just fell in love with the cutie dress. Mind you. i'm not even a fan of dresses. i usually go for jeans or pedals but this one is totally different. It's really, really, as in uber-to-the-max cute!

Wish me luck! :)

I swear I'll post a pic of the dress once I get it. You'll see what I'm really talking about.

Friday, November 23, 2007

on PBB.

OMG. I can't believe it. First time in the history of PBB that two housemates volunteered to exit the PBB house because of "Kuya". And take note, sabay pa sila. It was just so unbelievable that this happened. Also, that the other one, Macoi, actually has a point.. na medyo offensive si Kuya. I really understood him, without bias. I saw where he's coming from.

I feel kinda upset kasi Mcoi was my bet. He's smart, responsible and sensible. He's a good leader and really has what it takes to be the winner. I honestly thought Mcoi really has a big shot on this one, kaya lang nag-quit siya. Sayang talaga. On the other hand, I also feel bad about Ethel's decision kasi parang siya ung buhay sa PBB house. Siya lang yung namumukod tanging may loud na personality, the rest of the housemates are either safe or boring.

Had it been otherwise, I am sure that Ethel and Mcoi would have put up a really tight and good fight. Sayang talaga.


A Minute In My Life I Wish I Saw Coming.

For quite some time, inisip ko na totoo yun... na it really happened. Pero after that, wala na. parang walang nangyari. Everything's back to normal. It was like the conversation was nothing but pure "make believe". Steady lang ako. It wasn't that big a deal anyway. Pero napaisip ako... Bakit kaya? I kept asking that myself pero hanggang ngayon hindi ko pa rin mahanapan ng sagot.

Then I thought, maybe that was the moment talking. All the pent up emotions were also there, talking and joking. Maybe the moon was blue that night. That was one heck of awhile. The one minute in my life that I wish I saw coming...

Broken hearts still beat.

This is an excerpt to one of my oldest journal entries. It was originally dated June 25, 2004. I wrote it around 3:02 in the morning.

I've been through the greatest heartache because someone in my past gave it to me. On the contrary, I want to thank him for that because it made me certain that I can give the kind of love, which can be called TRUE and SACRIFICIAL. Though I was hurt, I knew deep within that it was one of the best times of my life because during that point, I was certain that I know what love is and that I know how to love... and believe me, there is no greater thing than knowing and learning the raw facts of life. Yes, it was painful but it made me a better and a much stronger person. i learned about love the hard way but that doesn't matter because love entails being hurt and being hurt means that you are loving. And that is a good sign.

There you have it.

Laugh Trip: Funny One Liners

This is so hilarious!!

1. The more the manier.
2. It's a no win-win situation.
3. Burn the bridge when you get there.
4. Anulled and void.
5. Mute and academic.
6. Come let's join us!
7. If worse comes to shove.
8. Are you joking my leg?
9. It's not my problem anymore, it's your problem anymore.
10. What are friends are for?
11. You can never can tell.
12. Well, well, well, look do we have here.
13. Let's give them a big hand of applause.
14. Been there, been that!
15. Forget it about it.
16. Give him the benefit of the "daw"
17. It's a blessing in the sky.
18. Right there and right then.
19. Where'd you came from?
20. Take things first at a time.
21. You're barking at the wrong dog.
22. You want to have your cake and bake it too.
23. First and for all.
24. Now and there.
25. I'm only human nature.
26. The sky's the langit.
27. That's what I'm talking about it.
28. One of these days is not like the other.
29. So far, so good, so far.
30. Time is of the elements.
31. In the wink of an eye.
32.The feeling is actual.
33. For all intense and purposes.
34. I ran into some errands.
35. Hi I'm ____, what's yours?
36. What is the world is coming to?
37. What is the next that is?
38. Get the most of both worlds.
39. Bahala na sila sa mga batman nila.
40. Whatever you say so.
41. Base to base casis.
42. My answers have been prayered.
43. Please me alone!
44. It's as brand as new.
45. So... what's a beautiful girl like you?
46. I can't take it anymore of this.
47. Are you sure ka na ba?
48. Can't you just cut me some slacks?
49. Let's bring down the house down.


Boyfriend to Girlfriend:
"What do you take me for? Granted?!"

Guard answering the telephone:
"Ah yes, for awhile...Please hang yourself."

Starlet in an interview:
"If the odds are against me, then I will against them."

Inday Badiday asks a starlet about her mother's burial:
Inday: Kumusta naman ang libing ng nanay mo?
Starlet: Successful naman po.

Army officer to cadet:
Officer: Do you know why I ask you to stand?
Cadet: No sir.
Officer: Okay, why?

Teacher to students:
"Baka gusto niyong ibilad ko kayo dun sa covered court?!"

Sa isang examination:
Student: Mam, pwedeng gumamit ng liquid paper?
Teacher: Ang kulit naman! Sinabi nang yellow paper lang eh!

Teacher after the examination:
"Okay. Time is up! One, two, three... come your papers to me!"

A reporter interviews a politician about our economy, politician says:
"Talagang mahirap ang buhay natin ngayon pero slow by slow, we will success."

Teacher to students:
"Sorry class I am late. My mother died three years ago. And now, she's dead."

Heard in a fast food chain:
"Mam, baka po gusto niyo mag-avail ng KIDNEY meal?"

Teacher to student:
Teacher: What is your name?
Student: Mark po.
Teacher: What is your old?

In a restaurant:
Waiter: Sir, how do you want your egg?
Customer: Side in, side out.

Mom interviews her daughter's suitor:
Mom: What's your course?
Suitor: Geo po. (Geology)
Mom: Aahhh.. Geo-rnalism? Okay nga yan.

Suitor to girl:
"I love you. This is not a ball."

Teacher to students:
"Okay, form two straight circles and find your height alphabetically!"

Teacher to students:
"Okay class, it's time to go home. Form a line and pass out slowly."

Angry teacher to student:
"I want you to bring your mother and father, especially your parents, understood?! Bring them tomorrow in front of me, right here, right now!"

Emcee in a party:
"The next song is the favorite song of my best friend. And neither do I."

Posted in an establishment:
"None ID, Nothing Entry."

Two lousy-in-English friends talking:
F1: Am I raining outside?
F2: Not yet... Sprinkle only.

Alma Moreno in her show, introduces Nora Aunor who came in late:
"Finally! Please welcome, the late Nora Aunor!"

Tonight I Can Write

This poem is so, so, so beautiful. It's beyond words to describe.

By: Paul Neruda

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
Write,for example, "The night is starry
and the stars are blue and shiver in the distance."
The night wind resolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.
Through nights like this one I held her in my arms.
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me, sometimes I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.
Tonight i can write the saddest lines.

To think that I do not have her.
To feel that I have lost her.

To hear the immense night,
still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.
What does it matter that my love could not keep her.

The night is starry and she is not with me.
This is all.
In the distance someone is singing.
In the distance.

My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.
My sight tries to find her as though to bring her closer.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.
The same night whitening the same trees.

We, of that time, are no longer the same.
I no longer love her, that's certain,
but how I loved her.

My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another's. She will be another's.
As she was before my kisses.
Her voice, her bright body, her infinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is short, forgetting is so long.
Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.
Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
And these the last verse I write for her.

Just a Survey

This is a survey I got from Friendster. Let me see how boyish and gurlash I am. =D

[x] You like hoodies.
[x] You like jeans.
[x] Dogs are better than cats.
[ ] It's hilarious when people get hurt.
[x] You've played with/against boys on a team.
[ ] Shopping is torture.
[ ] Sad movies suck.
[ ] You own/ed an X-Box.
[ ] Played with HotWheels cars as a kid.
[ ] At some point in time you wanted to be a firefighter.
[x] You own/ed a DS, PS2 or Sega.
[x] You used to be obsessed with Power Rangers.
[x] You watch sports on TV.
[ ] Gory movies are cool.
[ ] You go to your dad for advice.
[ ] You own like a trillion baseball caps.
[ ] You like going to high school football games.
[ ] You used to/do collect football cards.
[x] Baggy pants are cool to wear.
[ ] It's kinda weird to have sleepovers with a bunch of people.
[x] Green, black, red, blue, or silver are one of your favorite colors.
[x] You love to go crazy and not care what people think.
[x] Sports are fun.
[ ] Talk with food in your mouth.
[ ] Sleep with your socks on at night.

[x] You wear lip gloss/stick.
[x] You love to shop.
[x] You wear eyeliner.
[ ] You wear the color pink
[x] Go to your mom for advice.
[ ] You consider cheerleading a sport.
[ ] You hate wearing the color black.
[x] You like hanging out at the mall.
[x] You like getting manicures and/or
[x] You like wearing jewelry.
[ ] Skirts are a big part of your wardrobe.
[x] Shopping is one of your favorite hobbies.
[ ] You don't like the movie Star Wars.
[x] You were in gymnastics/dance.
[x] It takes you more than one hour to shower, get dressed, (and make-up not incl uded)
[ ] You smile a lot more than you should.
[x] You have more than 6 pairs of shoes.
[x] You care about what you look like.
[x] You like wearing dresses when you can.
[x] You like wearing bodyspray/perfume.
[x] You love the movies.
[ ] Used to play with dolls as little kid.
[ ] Like putting make-up on someone else for the joy of it.
[ ] Like being the star of everything.
TOTAL : 15

Haha, wala lang. I'm still a girlie girlaloo pa rin pala. That's funny.


Please repost this.

Jim Paredes wrote:

Something that happened in Katipunan, Q.C.

Dear friends,

Many of you may not have heard of the incident that happened to a friend of my son last week at about 6:30 pm right in front of the thickly-populated area of BPI-Katipunan, near Shoppersville. She parked her car right in front of BPI to make a withdrawal and to do some grocery. As she was getting into her car after doing her chores, a man suddenly appeared beside her and tried to bully her into moving to the passenger seat. When she pressed her car horn to call attention, he pushed her in the car and pinned her down with his elbow on her neck. It was a good thing that she had the presence of mind to continue to struggle and press on her car horn to catch attention (even if she had to use her foot to do this). Her assailant even tried to make people believe that it was a domestic matter by telling the crowd not to get involved as it was a "private matter". But with the onlookers multiplying by the second, her assailant finally gave up and ran. That was when she stood up and shouted for help. Thank God the guy got caught and is now under police custody.

Last Saturday, during the inquest, she told me that what gave her the guts to fight her assailant was the article "THROUGH A RAPIST'S EYES" forwarded to our e-group about a week prior to her attack. I am re-forwarding the article (you can find it at the bottom of this e-mail) for everyone's benefit. Please tell your friends, family, and loved ones about this. It works. May I just add that to a certain extent, we have to get ourselves involved if we see violence being committed on anyone like calling on a security guard or a police officer even if it appears to be a domestic matter. It seems that a lot of attackers use that tactic to get away with violence. Not many people know how to take care of themselves when faced with such a situation. Everyone, please be very, very careful.


FYI - Through a rapist's eyes!

A group of rapists and date rapists in prison were interviewed on what they look for in a potential victim and here are some interesting facts:

1] The first thing men look for in a potential victim is hairstyle. They are most likely to go after a woman w ith a ponytail, bun, braid or other hairstyle that can easily be grabbed. They are also likely to go after a woman with long hair. Women with short hair are not common targets.

2] The second thing men look for is clothing. They will look for women whose clothing is easy to remove quickly. Many of them carry scissors around to cut clothing.

3] They also look for women on their cell phone, searching through their purse or doing other activities while walking because they are off guard and can be easily overpowered.

4] The number one place women are abducted from/attacked at is a grocery store parking lot.

5] Number two are office parking lots/garages.

6] Number three are public restrooms.

7] The thing about these men is that they are looking to grab a woman and quickly move her to a second location where they don't have to worry about getting caught.

8] If you put up any kind of a fight at all, they get discouraged because it only takes a minute or two for them to realize that going after you isn't worth it because it will be time-consuming.

9] These men said they would not pick on women who have umbrellas, or other similar objects that can be used from a distance, in their hands.

10] Keys are not a deterrent because you have to get really close to the attacker to use them as a weapon. So, the idea is to convince these guys you're not worth it.


1] If someone is following behind you on a street or in a garage or with you in an elevator or stairwell, look them in the face and ask them a question, like 'what time is it', or make general small talk like 'can't believe it is so cold out here, we're in for a bad winter'. Now that you've seen their faces and could identify them in a line- up, you lose appeal as a target.

2] If someone is coming toward you, hold out your hands in front of you and yell 'Stop!' or 'Stay back!' Most of the rapists this man talked to said they'd leave a woman alone if she yelled or showed that she would not be afraid to fight back. Again, they are looking for an EASY target.

3] If you carry pepper spray (this instructor was a huge advocate of it and carries it with him wherever he goes,) yelling 'I HAVE PEPPER SPRAY!' and holding it out will be a deterrent.

4] If someone grabs you, you can't beat them with strength but you can do it by outsmarting them. If you are grabbed around the waist from behind, pinch the attacker either under the arm between the elbow and armpit or in the upper inner thigh - HARD. One woman in a class this guy taught told him she used the underarm pinch on a guy who was trying to date rape her and was so upset she broke through the skin and tore out muscle strands the guy needed stitches. Try pinching yourself in those places as hard as you can stand it; it really hurts.

5] After the initial hit, always go for the groin. I know from a particularly unfortunate experience that if you slap a guy's parts it is extremely painful. You might think that you'll anger the guy and make him want to hurt you more, but the thing these rapists told our instructor is that they want a woman who will not cause him a lot of trouble. Start causing trouble, and he's out of there.

6] When the guy puts his hands up to you, grab his first two fingers and bend them back as far as possible with as much pressure pushing down on them as possible. The instructor did it to me without using much pressure, and I ended up on my knees and both knuckles cracked audibly.

7] Of course the things we always hear still apply. Always be aware of your surroundings, take someone with you if you can and if you see any odd behavior, don't dismiss it, go with your instincts. You may feel a little silly at the time, but you'd feel much worse if the guy really was trouble.


I know you are smart enough to know these pointers but there will be some time, when you will go "Hmm... I must remember that." After reading, forward it to someone you care about. Never hurts to be careful in this crazy world we live in.

1. Tip from Tae Kwon Do: The elbow is the strongest point on your body. If you are close enough to use it, do it.

2. Learned this from a tourist guide to New Orleans: If a robber asks for your wallet and/or purse, DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM. Toss it away from you... chances are that he is more interested in your wallet and/or purse than you and he will go for the wallet and/or purse. RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION!

3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car: Kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy. The driver won't see you but everybody else will. This has saved lives.

4. Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping, eating, working, etc., and just sit (doing their checkbook, or making a list, etc.) DON'T DO THIS!The predator will be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side, put a gun to your head, and tell you where to go. AS SOON AS YOU LOCK YOUR DOORS...LEAVE!

5. A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot, or parking garage:

a. Be aware. Look around you. Look into your car, at the passenger side floor, and in the back seat.

b. If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door. Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars.

c. Look at the car parked on the driver's side of your vehicle, and the passenger side. If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a guard/policeman to walk you back out. IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. (And better paranoid than dead.)

6. ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs. (Stairwells are horrible places to be alone and the perfect crime spot).

7. If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN! The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times. And even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ. RUN!

8. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic: STOP IT! It may get you raped, or killed. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking, well educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women. He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked "for help" into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim.

I'd like you to forward this to all the women you know. It may save a life. A candle is not dimmed by lighting another candle. I was going to send this to the ladies only, but guys, if you love your mothers, wives, sisters, daughters, etc., you may want to pass it onto them, as well.

Send this to any woman you know that may need to be reminded that the world we live in has a lot of crazies in it and it's better safe than sorry.

my mom's cuteness.

I just noticed that every morning, my mom doesn't leave for the office until Cedie, Ang Munting prinsipe is over. Hehe. She watches it regularly, daig pa ako. And there she said it, before she slept last night [take note: out of the blue], "Alam mo, tuwang tuwa talaga ako sa Cedie. Gustong gusto ko talaga yun." Then I thought, what does that suppose to imply? Is it..

A. She is pregnant at pinaglilihihan niya si Cedie? -- naku, wag naman po sana. not that i don't like another sib. ayoko lang na baka magmukhang cartoon character. =D

B. She wishes that my brother would be more like Cedie? -- pasaway kasi si utol lately. =D

..or baka naman..

C. Crush niya si Cedie?! -- hahaha, which is not likely. age gap, hello? reality, hello? TOINK. =D

Whatever reason she has, I just can't help but find it cute na isang uber busy person like my mom takes time to watch a kiddie show like Cedie. It wouldn't be that big a deal kung meron kaming kapatid na bata.. but NO!! my brother and I are both in College [graduate na nga ako, actually]. =D ain't she cute? :)

oh well, what can I say, astig ang nanay ko.
yeah, rock on mom!

Meantime Girl.

I confess. I was once treated like this. I was once a Meantime Girl.

She’s the one you call when you’re bored because she makes you laugh. She’s the one you talk to when you’re feeling down because she’s willing to lend an ear and be a friend. She’s not the one you call when you need a date to your company’s Christmas party, or to go dancing with on a Saturday night. She’s the one you spend time with between girlfriends, before you find "The One". You know, the one who you keep around in the meantime.

She’s not one of the guys, not a tomboy, but you don’t look at her as a "real" woman, either. She’s not bitchy enough, moody enough, or sexy enough to be seen in that light. She’s too laid-back, too easily amused by the same things your male buddies are amused by. She’s too understanding, too comfortable – she doesn’t make you feel nervous or excited the way a "real" woman does. But she’s cool, and nice, and funny, and attractive enough that when you’re lonely or horny and need intimate female companionship, she’ll do just fine. You don’t have to wine and dine her because she knows the real you already, and you don’t have any facades to keep up, no pretenses to preserve. You’re not trying to get anything of substance out of her. She’s not easy, but you know that she cares about you and is attracted to you, and that she’ll give you the intimacy you need. And you know you don’t have to explain yourself or the situation, that she’ll be able to cope with the fact that this isn’t the beginning of a relationship or that there’s any possibility that you have any real romantic feelings for her. She’ll settle for a goodbye hug and a promise to call her and tell her how the date went. She’s just so cool . . . why can’t all women be like that?!

But deep down, if you really think about it (which you probably don’t because to you, the situation between the two of you isn’t important enough to merit any real thought), you know that it’s really not fair. You know that although she would never say it, it hurts her to know that despite all her good points and all the fun you two have, you don’t think she’s good enough to spend any real time with. Sure, it’s mostly her fault, because she doesn’t have to give in to your needs – she could play the hard-to-get bitch like the rest of them do, if she really wanted to. But you and she both know that she probably couldn’t pull it off. Maybe she’s too short, or a little overweight, or has a big birthmark on her forehead, or works at Taco Bell. Whatever the reason, somehow life has given her a lot of really great qualities but has left out the ones that men want (or think they want) in a woman. So she remains forever the funny friend, the steadfast companion, the secret lover, and you go on searching for your goddess who will somehow be everything you ever wanted in a woman.

You’ll joke to her that she should be the best man at your wedding, and she’ll laugh and make a joke about a smelly rental tux.

She doesn’t captivate you with her beauty, or open doors with her smile. Mainly she blends in with the crowd. She’s safe. She doesn’t want to be the center of attention and turn the heads of everyone in the room. But she wants to turn someone’s head. She wants to be special to someone, too. We all do.

She has feelings. She has a heart. In fact, she probably has a bigger and better heart than any woman you’ve ever known because she’s had a front-row seat to The Mess That Is Your Life, and she likes you anyway. She obviously sees something worthwhile and redeeming in you because although you’ve given her nothing, absolutely no reason to still be around, she is.

Anyway, yeah. I’m a Meantime Girl. Been one more times than I care to admit. I don’t know the reason, really, and at this point I don’t even care. I just want to let every guy know who’s ever had the good fortune to have a Meantime Girl that we may be a lot of fun, but we cry, too. A lot. And someday we won’t be around.

Unposted Blog

Here's an unposted blog. I saved this in my Multiply Account. I just wanted to write about this that time. This was dated September 9. If this someone gets to read this, perhaps, she will know that this is for her.

You didn't let me in. I just wish you did. I wanted to understand you, I wanted to be there for you, I wanted to be one of the people you turn to when you're in trouble. I wanted to be a friend but you didn't let me. You didn't let me in your world.. in your life. I don't know why.

It's just so frustrating to see new people get close to you easily because I've tried to do the same for years but nothing seemed to work. Maybe we really are better off this way. acquaintances and never friends.. sad. It probably is too late now anyway because issues keep popping between us. The gap is bigger. And pretty soon, I'll be going away. It just breaks my heart to feel that the existence of friendship between us has moved closer to impossibility.. and even though I would like to explain myself or my side to you, I don't know how.

I really do not know you. I never knew the real you because I never had the chance. I wish I did, though. You can believe everything I've written here or not. It's really up to you. Maybe this will be another issue between us... something you and your real friends will talk about. Maybe you'll think I'm not sincere or maybe you will see through my words.. I don't know. How am I supposed to know, right? I never got to know you.

I don't know if it will happen anymore. I don't know if you'll ever see me as a friend. For now, I choose to give up. People get tired you know. And I guess I ran out of ways to try being a friend to you. I lost hope. Maybe we've been trying so hard.

It took me years to realize that civil is all that we will ever be. Little more, little less. I don't know if you ever saw me as a friend or ever considered me as one. I wanted to ask you this question for so long but I didn't because I'm scared to know the answer. Believe me or not, being unwanted as a friend is just enough to break my heart. Maybe, this question is better left unanswered for now. Maybe the answers will unfold on it's own. Time will probably tell.

So before I end this, I want to say thank you and I'm sorry. I know you're not the only one who's been hurting and trying. And maybe you don't want it to be this way either but perhaps, it's for the best. Who knows in the future, our paths may cross again and maybe when that time comes, we can have a fresh start. I'd really love that.



I was browsing my Multiply account to see which of my blogs deserve to be re-blogged [?!] here. Then I came across this entry, dated August 2. Guess what, I'm reposting it here. :D

"define INSECURITY: It is a behavior possessed by certain individuals who cannot accept the fact that no matter how hard they try, they can never level up to you. That is why they either hate you, backfight you, or imitate you. Just let them. After all, at the end of the day, they know for a fact that they can never come close parallel to you."


The Eulogy of an Ex-Friend.

I was in third year college when I took up a subject on Interpersonal Communication. I really enjoyed taking that up. Even though my schedule sucked because of that subject, it was no problem to me. Fast forward. So we had this exercise on writing a eulogy. The twist here is that, we will write a eulogy for ourselves. What's really nice about this exercise is that who will speak and what that person will say is up to us.

I can bluntly recall that while our instructor is discussing the instructions, I've only one person in mind. I knew right then and there that she is the perfect person for this Eulogy exercise. Since I am so tired of her not apologizing for every single thing she did to me and to my mom, I made her apologize to me in my eulogy.

Read on.

We grew up together but we never really got close enough to consider ourselves the best of friends. But we were close in our own special way. Zen... well, she really is a funny person. She always has this extraordinary energy, which can make you laugh even if you don't feel like laughing. I don't know where she keeps or gets it but she has it.

She was always there for me, through thick and think, in my ups and downs. She was not just a witness of my heartbreaks, escapades, happy moments, and bitter ones... she was in a way, part of it. To have Zen as a friend is such a wonderful happening in my life, that I completely know now.

We have been through a lot of rocky roads and have bumped our heads quite hardly on each bend. We've learned our lessons separately in a hard way. But I loved her. I never stopped being her friend and I just wish she knew that. At times I'd like to come to her and apologize, pride just keeps getting on my way. Even though I know that that is the only thing that she is waiting for, I didn't give it to her. I know Zen very well. I know her enough to know she has already forgiven me for all the things I've done, even without my apology.

I have hurt her in ways that I know really made her feel bad. Sometimes, I just know I ruined her day. I kept telling bad things behind her back, branching those fabricated stories altogether to come up with pathetic fat lies. She never did the same. Instead, she just kept quiet. She kept her anger in discreet and went on acting like she doesn't know anything. It frustrated me. It really, really did. I want her to be mad at me so that I can justify my wrong doings to her. Worse, I wanted to be like her.

Needless to say, she is different. She handles things differently. I envy her and thought that I must hate her because people around us kept comparing us. I have more beauty, she has more brains. But see where did all these put me? I am now bound to hate myself for being such a bitch to a friend I always knew I have. Now, it's too late to apologize. Though I know that wherever she is, she can hear me and probably can see all the bits of sincerity in me, it's still not enough. it's a cliche but if I can just really turn back time, I would be a better friend to her. I swear.

Zen, wherever you are, I am sorry... really, really sorry for everything. I missed you during the times I pretended to not know you at all. I missed you during the times I just kept on hating you... and now, I'll miss you forever.


Believe me, after this exercise, I really felt good. And hey, I got a flat one for this! :D you might want to try doing this, it's emotionally healthy.

lesson to be learned

..Nino? Secret. Just keep on reading.

To person number one:
Kung gusto mo talaga makipagkaibigan, dapat marunong ka mag-reciprocate ng efforts nung tao. Hindi yung puro ka lang salita. Kawawa naman kasi yung isa, siya lang ng siya ang nagri-reach out sa iyo. I don't want to be judgmental pero the way I see this, parang ang taas ng tingin mo sa sarili mo. Kung di ka itetext, di ka magtetext... kadalasan nga hindi ka pa magrereply. Kung hindi ka tawagan, hindi ka makakausap. Kung hindi ka lapitan, hindi ka rin lalapit. Busy ka bang talaga? Ibahin mo sistema mo boi. Sayo na rin nanggaling na based from your very own experience, it didn't do anything good for you, diba? So bakit gagawin mo pa?

To person number two:
Ikaw naman [you know who you are]... kung nafi-feel mo naman na ikaw lang ng ikaw ang nag-eexert ng effort, siguro dapat napapaisip ka na and dapat din you start to ask yourself the big question "WHY?". Betteryet, talk to the person to clear things out. Yun ay kung malakas ang loob mo. Wag mong ipilit ang sarili mo sa taong hindi naman "ata" willing makipag-friends sayo. Iwasan na mabansagan na FC [feeling close] Wag todo baba ng pride. Minsan dapat may tinitira ka para sa sarili mo. You have so many friends in your life so why focus with just one? If s/he doesn't want you to be one of his/her friends, edi wag. Ikamamatay mo ba? Pag gusto may paraan, pag ayaw maraming dahilan. Remember that.

Bakit ba kasi ganito, sadyang may mga taong paimportante at nagpupumilit.


meron akong kwento.

Again, originally posted in my Multiply Account, dated June 4. But this is the more controversial version.

May magkaibigan, isang babae at isang lalaki pero di naman sila super close. S
i lalaki ay na-link at naging related sa isang kabarkada nitong babae kaya sila naging parang magka-barkada na rin. Tapos nagkaron ng problema si guy at si friend nitong girl kaya nagkawatak-watak sila. Si lalaki kasi may nagawang mali tapos nagalit ung barkada except 'tong si girl. Kinausap pa nya si lalaki, at ang kanyang famous line: "Naiintindihan kita..ganyan din ung pinagdadaanan ko." Only to find out na, itong si girl pala ay shoulder to cry on din ng common friend nila. Wala naman sanang masama dun, kaya lang, kung anuano na pala ang sinasabi ni girl sa kanyang friend against dito kay guy. Hmmmmm..

And the rest is not that interesting anymore.

Hindi.. Ang tawag dito ay...


Eavesdropping.. oops!

This blog entry was originally posted on my Multiply account last April 26. I just thought that this is so funny that you might actually want to check this out. :)

Nandito ako nakaupo sa harap ng pc. I'm busy vegetating here, obviously. Nandito rin sa bahay yung nagpaplancha ng mga damit namin and kasama niya yung anak niya na three years old. Habang busy-busyhan ako dito, natatawa ako. as in natatawa ako. Here's why...

KID: alam mo, ayaw ko maging anak mo.
MOM: bakit?
KID: kasi pinapalo mo ko.
MOM: bakit? may ginagawa ka bang matino?


KID: Salamat po sa pag-aalaga mo nanay. Kasi pinapalo mo ako, mahal mo ako.
MOM: Che!

*** TOINK!! haha.. nakakatawa talaga. And the eavesdropping continues. =p

KID: Hahahaha!
MOM: Anong nakakatawa?
KID: Basta.
MOM: Sige asarin mo lang ako. Ikkwento ko talaga kay ate zen na umihi ka sa banig.
KID: Hahahaha!
MOM: Sasapakin kita.
KID: Gawa.

di ako sure eh. again, i was eavesdropping.
hindi ko po sila napapanood.

KID: Aray!! Aray!!
MOM: O takot ka naman.
KID: Gawa pa!
MOM: Naku di ka talaga nauubusan ng kagaguhan.

- 30 -

Haha. Kumusta naman kasi yung bata, sa edad na three may talent na sa pang-aasar. I always believed na ang mga batang ganito ay matalino. Hehe. Diba? I mean, sign yun, na matalino yung bata.

I've a cousin. Her name is Angelan. Ganyan din siya, "bibba". Pero di naman siya gaya ng anak ng namamalancha dito sa amin. Angelan, at age three, can play pranks na. Hehe. I remember nung nag-Tagaytay kami, buhat buhat ko siya while watching our cousins sa pagpapalipad ng saranggola. Tapos tinuturuan ko siya.

ME: Gelan, sabihin mo saranggola.. Sa...
GELAN: sa...
ME: rang...
GELAN: rang...
ME: go...
GELAN: go...
ME: la...
GELAN: la...
ME: saranggola!

*** TOINK ulit!!=p Di lang siya sa ganyan magaling. Yung ate niya na eight years old, kaya niya paiyakin. Kakaiba kasi humirit yun eh. Kebata-bata pa, bully na!=p ohwell, iyakin din naman kasi talaga yung ate niya eh, haha!! pero grabe.. if you could only hear her, you'd know what i'm trying to talk about.

darn, i love kids!

SURVEY: Special Edition

Here are some questions from some memorable surveys that I answered before. I thought of compiling the sensible questions and create a hybrid of all those. So, tada... read on.

Question #1: Latest na na-realize mo?
+ I'm still figuring it out. Sorry.

Question #2: Isang bagay na hindi mo tatanggihan?

Question #3: What is your target for this year?
Maging productive at maka-ipon.

Question #4: First love never dies?
Let's rephrase it. "SOME" love never dies.

Question #5: You think madaling mag-move on kapag pinagpalit ka ng boyfriend mo sa babaeng basura?
No. Pero sa totoo lang, parang walang logic 'tong tanong na 'to. Or so I thought? I just think na hindi naman stupid ang mga guys to settle for less or for this matter, someone less deserving. No offense meant to whoever. And siguro naman walang girl ang maniniwala na "basura" lang ang katapat niya. If that's the case, she may want to think and reflect on herself. *wink!

Question #6: Sino ang laging nagpapaiyak sayo?
+ Usually yung problem itself at yung mga nangyayari in between, hindi yung tao mismo.

Question #7: What's something that really annoys you?
+ The pathetic and senseless excuses made by certain people. Also, the fact that they think you'll buy their lies. It kinda makes me feel that they think I'm not smart enough to know what's really up.

Question #8: Pinakagusto mong mangyari sa buhay mo?
To be successful without having to sacrifice anything that also makes me happy. In short, to balance my career and my family and other things.

Question #9: Take a line from a song dedicated to the one you are thinking of right now.
Worse than not knowing is you thinking that I do not know. (Fall Out Boy)

Question #10: Maarte ka ba?
May babae bang hindi maarte? Kanya-kanyang klase at kanya-kanyang lebel lang ng kaartehan yan.

all because you kissed me goodnight.

Here's my most favorite poem of all time. Sarah Rolstan is a genius in-love.

I climbed the door and opened the stairs
Said my pyjamas and put on my prayers.
I turned off the bed and crawled into the light
All because you kissed me goodnight.

Next morning I woke and scrambled the shoes
Polished my egg and toasted the news.
I couldn't tell my left from right
All because you kissed me goodnight.

That evening, at last, I felt normal again.

So I picked up my mother and called the phone.
So I spoke to the puppy and threw dad a bone
Even at midnight the sun was still bright
All because you kissed me goodnight.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Oh Crap.

I'm stuck here at the coffe-slash-internet shop because it's raining cats and dogs. Forgot to bring my umbrella. My bad. And did I mention that it's freaking cold here?? I can feel my skin go kinda numb slowly and my fingers are really shaking right now.

Oh rain. I know I always say that I love you but please let me go to where I want to.
parang sa love lang noh?

new number

What's with changing cellphone numbers? Weird.

Yesterday, I received a total of six text messages from different people about changing their numbers. Nung una, ayos lang pero pagdating nung around third time that I received a text, I was like "Huh? Anong meron bakit ang daming nagpapalit ng number?" Uso. =P

Wasn't that weird?

Sunday, November 18, 2007

pardon me.

I know I said that I already said goodbye to depression. But here I go again... depressed but for an entirely different reason.

I just don't know how to deal with this one. I am not fond of dealing with situations about past happenings coming back especially when I was already able to let the situation go. But now, it did. It happened over a year ago and it was really, really painful. It took me months to recover from that. Suddenly, last night it all came coming back to me... the pain, the happiness, the excitement, the fear, everything.

All I know is that I want to get it back. I want to get what's really mine. I'd do anything to get it back. I have all the right to, after all that I've gone through. God made this happen for a reason and maybe, He wants me to get it back. Maybe it's meant to come back to me. Oh God please.

I want to take this one step at a time. I want this to be well-thought. I don't want to give in to my impulses. I cannot afford to lose this chance of getting it back. This might be my last chance.

God help me. PLEASE.

rice and rocks. errrrr. rice with rocks. =P

MOOD: Neutral

After attending a 6am mass with my mom, lola, and utol, we all decided to eat in this infamous resto by the street. Typical me, I ordered one of my most adored breakfast meals, TOCILOG. After waiting for a couple of minutes, it was served.

So here's the funny part.

It was really really yummie. Being the "matakaw-sa-rice" person that I am, I would have ordered an extra half rice. Take note: "would have". If not for it's very "rocky" [I don't know kung anong tamang term for that] rice, we may have ordered extra rice[s]. I was annoyed and wasn't able to eat comfortably because every bite would sound as if I'm chewing pebbles. I was worried for my braces. So I chewed my food slowly like how an elderly with no teeth would, just to get it over and done with.

Good thing they have a Suggestion Box. So before we went home, I gave them my sarcastic suggestion. Here's what I wrote:

"Next time po pakilakihan na lang ng mga bato para madaling makita. Masakit kasi sa ngipin! [beh-lat face]"

Saturday, November 17, 2007

one minute.


Because I told and solemnly swore to my mom that I'd be turning this off by 11:30 pm, I only have [timecheck: 11:29] one minute to blog. Stupid me. I kept myself busy texting some friends, not that I thought it was a waste of time, I just lost track of it.

I have to wake up tomorrow before six in the morning. Too early. We'll be attending a mass for an employee of our company who died because of an unidentified illness. Some said it was "kulam". While the doctors, even if they weren't able to complete the lab tests, said it was probably Leukemia. Whatever it is, nobody really knew.

Oh crap. my mom's already going nuts. Have to go.
What a way to end the day.

goodbye depression.

I've realized something. In lieu to my previous post, I realized that depression will not leave me as long as I am nurturing it. I know I keep on saying that I'll try to be okay and et cetera, et cetera, blah-blah-blah but I kept on ranting about it in every blog I posted here. Yikes. So now, the time has come to break up with depression. Of all the breakups I've encountered in my life, this actually is the only positive one. Hehe.

So after this entry, I won't be ranting anymore about my depression, desperation, and all the negative emotions nesting in me with the hope that it will eventually go away. I've already had enough with depression and I'd like to believe that it is vice versa.

So goodbye depression. It's now time to really, really, as in really get up. A new beginning is waiting for the new, improved me.

Wish me luck.

something nice to blog about.

Mababaw siguro pero it really made me feel better. I was able to watch one of my most anticipated movies, One More Chance.

Sa lahat ng nangyari these past few days sa akin, this is so far the nicest one. See? Imagine how bad my week was? At least, for a moment, I actually felt okay. Perhaps, I have to do this more often, not watch a movie ha. I'm talking about doing something actually fun and relaxing. Because to just stay bum all day and actually do nothing but blog about my depression, is kind of a torture already... let alone having all the time in the world to ponder about everything that happened lately. I'd have to commend myself for being tough enough to actually stay sane.

So it was nice and in a way, therapeutic for me. It's really at times like this that I get to appreciate the little but nice things that I love doing. I actually had a nice time last night. It made me feel a lot better. I am still not that okay but I believe, that's beside the point coz what's important is that I'm getting better every single day. Slowly but surely, ika nga.

I'm now smiling a lot more often.

I'm sober.

I won't let bitterness and sadness eat what's left of me and my heart. It's time to get up and dust myself.

If there's one thing I've learned in this life. It's this: I should be strong especially when people expects me to be weak. There is someone or some people out there who would kill just to see me break and fall. Guess what, I'm not about to let them win. So whoever they are, if they really exist for me, their quest is doomed to fail.

The game is ON.


How can I not be bitter anymore when I still have all these reasons to be? How can I stop when the reasons won't stop chasing me?

what a way to start the day.



Friday, November 16, 2007


The first one was about depression. This one? Let the title speak for itself.

I won't be lying. I'm still depressed. I'm still sad. I'm still at a low point... still broken. But I'm trying to be okay now. I'm trying really hard.

I was desperate. Actually, I still kinda am. I even reached the point where I found drinking a glass of cold water somewhat therapeutic. Gaaaad... how desperate can I get?

I'm so tired. I need a rest. Where's my bed?

Pilot Post

MOOD: Depressed =(

What a pretty topic to write about in my pilot post.

Anyway, this is my first post ever in this blog account. I'll be honest. The only thing that drove me to create this account is the recent-not-so-pleasant things that has been happening lately in my life. I felt like I needed an outlet. Something fresh and something that's just for writing. Something where I can pour my heart out. Something like this.

I got myself an evidence in form of an experience that it's really true that once you love someone, may he/she be your potential lover, a lover, an ex, et cetera-[whateva], you automatically give that person the power to break your heart. I thought that that was just a freaking cliche but hey, I realized after a from-midnight-till-morning moments of thinking and contemplating that this has been happening to me right before my very eyes... every now and then.

But now the bigger question occurred to me? Why did it take me this long to finally notice that a lot of people [aside from my lover] have broken and is breaking my little heart really badly? Maybe because I compartmentalized my mind and actually separated the thought of how it is to be hurt by a lover and to be hurt by the other thinking that it's never the same when in fact, it is. Sheer Stupidity. How can it be so different when it both hurts? Late realizations.

[an operational definition: non-lover here refers to people in my life who I didn't share any romantic relationships and romantic feelings with... so that includes my friends and my family.]

Gaaad. There, I finally figured it out. I categorized the people in my life into two - the lover and the non-lover. So whenever I get hurt by my friends, I have a way of dismissing the depression by actually thinking that it's not as big a deal as the other. But hey, I still can recall a number of moments in my life where I got hurt by my friends. I probably had my mind set to the fact [that i wrongly believed in for years, d*mn] that the pain caused by a lover will always hurt more. Maybe subconsciously, I tell myself "Hey shut the tears. It's a good thing it's just your friends who hurt you and not your lover. Otherwise, the pain could have gotten worse." Some kind of a "sick" defense mechanism.

I'm totally losing my mind. Can you imagine me? Typing each word with the pressure from my fingers getting stronger by the second.. [exaggeration but figuratively meant] I can break my keyboard if I want to, without much physical effort, just the emotional ones. Screw this.

Thing is, all those years that I believed such an incorrect fact [oh yes the irony, bravo *sarcastic] - by fact, I meant the things I believed in with the assumption that it was most of the time, correct. Pardon the insertions of side comments. I have this tendency whenever I freak out because my mind gets cluttered with so many thoughts. My mind tends to actively multi-task, trying to process each thought all at once. crazeeeeeeee.

As I was saying, all those years that i embraced that [you should know already what I'm referring to, here I go again. pffft] belief, I was also being hurt by my past lovers. In a nutshell, the lover and the non-lover are hurting me side by side. So it got me to thinking that maybe, part of the pain whenever I cry over my ex-es are also because of my friends. Oh this is getting more complicated. Somehow, the pain caused by my friends were overshadowed by the pain caused by the other. Or so I thought?

But now, things have changed in my life. I have a lover who never hurts me intentionally. He cares for me and loves me like no other. The only thing he wants is to make me feel loved, happy and cared for. Mind you, he's really a good catch because he knows what he's doing and how he should do it [when it comes to loving]. So with that being said, I suppose you already have an idea on where this is going to. Yes, now unlike before, I rarely cry because of love - the romantic one. I rarely feel pain. I rarely feel mistreated. I am happily in love and loved.

Perhaps that's the biggest reason why I feel a lot of pain now that my friends - the non-lover, had hurt [and still hurting] my feelings; because there's no pain around anymore to overshadow the hurt caused by them, unlike before. My "sick" defense mechanism, which has been reliable for years, doesn't work anymore. I'm finally bitten by reality ; thus, the realization that it's about time to face what's real and what's here. That's why finally, I felt the pain as it went directly from them then straight to my heart. Ouch. What's sadder is that, NO ONE aside from my lover and my mother, knows what kind of tremendous pain I'm going through. No one but the three of us.

This is as real and as honest as it can get.