Topsy-turvy.

The past days have been a rollercoaster of emotions. After a brief moment of feeling like perhaps everything is going to be okay.. That there is still that chance that we'll be okay, things will begin to crumble again. Then I'll be back to the pathetic version of my self... The stubborn side of me that keeps waiting for the time when you'll pull me closer shortly after you've pushed me away because I always knew you would. We're like strangers who have a deep history and knew so much about each other. We just know that even after the almost endless exchange of dramatic replies, the goodbyes we throw to each other every once in awhile, the days we don't talk at all whilst pretending to be busy moving on with our own lives, we'll just come back to each other. No matter how melodramatic things get between us, we always find our way back to each other. We always do. We always come back to trying to work things out. We always go back to hurting each other. We always go back to trying to forget. We always go back to being happy. We always go back to starring on our private teleserye. We always do.

I always thought that after everything I've been through, I'll be better. I actually thought I got better. I thought I got wiser but it turned out that I just became more complicated, more stubborn, more complex.. I got too complex beyond my own understanding. Like a paradox-personified, I am stubborn enough to still go on when I always knew that it would do me no good. I always ask myself why can't I let go of my "what if" and "what could have been" thoughts about us. Why can't I completely let go.. Why can't I move on? Why despite of everything, I can't just walk away?

Wait... 

I still love you. Oh f*ck. I really still do.