placebo, maybe

Maybe if I condition my mind that everything will be well, maybe everything will be well... eventually, at the very least. Maybe if I keep myself busy enough with work, with friends, and other stuff, then maybe my quest to getting my mind off things will be a success. Maybe if I channel all the pain and all the hurt to dancing, then maybe I will be able to create better pieces. Maybe if I stop thinking about everything, maybe I will be able to forget everything. Maybe if I stop asking questions, then maybe I will eventually tire of seeking for answers. Maybe if I start feeling okay, then maybe I will be okay. Maybe if I shift my focus to what's ahead then maybe, just maybe, I will be able to keep everything behind.

Cold.

Whatever happened to me, I don't know. I used to be so sweet, so positive, so full of life. I don't know how and when I turned cold. Yes, I would always laugh especially when I'm with friends, crack jokes, and share funny stories to them but deep inside, I'm this tearless, cold-hearted bitch.

Last night, I randomly messaged some friends on FB, about 10 or more, just to ask them a super random question which based on their reactions, caught them off guard. I asked them what makes them feel alive. It's actually quite interesting to receive similar reactions from different people. Some of them didn't seem to have any difficulty in answering the question. There were also some who needed time to think about it and still haven't given any answer until now. The rest took about five minutes or so. Luckily, only three of them asked me back the same question.

My answer was I don't know. I am like a lost girl just floating to wherever life takes me. Prolly worse. While others answered pain, struggles, and challenges, a part of me heartbrokenly wished I could say the same things.

I’m at a loss. I really am...  beyond words, beyond comprehension. And how I wish someone would see through me and that person will  know the right words to say. That person will know what to do with me.

God, help me. Please.

untitled

It's not that I cannot function today. It's more like, I refused to function today.

January has been really confusing  and it's all my fault. Now I'm at a loss. I've made more damage than good for myself and for the people around me.

God, help me. What do I do?

I'm 31. So what?

Why do some people make it seem like still having high standards at my age is something that is not good to have? I have limited time, maybe but does that mean I have limited choices as well? "Your market value decreases as you age." Market? Value? wtf. Then if that's the case, I'm a wine. I get better with age and time. So, LEAVE. ME. ALONE.

I do understand that there's a conception-related risk involved here like I may not have a baby or it may be difficult to have one. Needless to say but it's obviously the risk I am willing to take. I know a lot of people who have been married before their 30s but still hasn't conceived yet. Not to mention that I also have female friends who are not married but already have kid/s. Point is, if you're meant to have a child, you will have one. Neither civil status nor age can hold bearing to that. Maybe it just increases the probability of it happening but that's beside the point.

I don't want to settle just because I am worried about my eggs or just because I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. I admit, I still dream of walking down the aisle, changing my surname, getting pregnant, being called mama, and all those stuff but I refuse to settle just to have that. We're talking about lifetime commitment here and frankly, after all my failed and "almost" relationships, I am scared to make the mistake of settling for the sake of settling. If you get what I mean.

These are my eggs and this is my life and it's no one else's effin' business.

Chasing urge.

Like the other times, I, again, suddenly felt the urge to blog. You know that familiar feeling that you just want to write about whatever. So I opened my laptop right away like I was afraid this "urge" will just pass by and leave me disinterested again. Yes, again. It happened a lot of times. It's either this or writer's block. I always end up with nothing. I'm glad that this time was different. I actually missed this. I missed writing and just pouring whatever there is to pour.

When blogging doesn't seem enough

I'm not sure of what I exactly feel right now except that I know I feel bad. My mind is cluttered with sad thoughts and I think I am mad. Not the mad "crazy-mad" but the angry kind of mad. I don't understand why am I in this position when all I did was be a good friend in the way I know how. Why do I need to be in this kind of situation? I really feel so bad about the things that I can't change; of the people that I thought I grew close with; of the friends that I thought I'd always have; of the happiness that's drifting away; of the part of me that I no longer love. It's like seeing too many familiar things in a new light; feeling lost in a place you've always known. It's too complex and it's changing me in ways I no longer cope with. I'm tired. Dead tired.

A pinch of happiness. MY pinch.

I am writing because I am worried that I have been what you may consider as shallow, lately. So much have happened and the past months were a roller coaster ride of emotions. I have been more sad than happy, if I remember it right; especially during this time of the day when the noise around me starts to fade and silence slowly takes place. This kind of ambiance just makes me feel helpless. As much as I try to escape the thoughts that I have tried to dismiss for most time of the day, it's just not possible.

I usually just leave my tv on 'til I fall asleep. At least there's noise. It may not be loud enough but at least, it's audible enough to help me keep my guard up against these thoughts that I feel so tired already to entertain. But since my cable connection's still messed up, I'm having a hard time catching sleep. These sad thoughts are keeping me awake and restless. 

Truth is, I am scared. I'm scared coz I feel like a fish on a bird's nest struggling and desperately hoping someone would notice me and put me back to the sea. I don't want to die. I don't want to lose this life. I just want to swim away. I don't usually let others suck the life out of me but I'm afraid I am defeated already. 

For the past months that I exhausted all my efforts to keep myself steady and sane, the only thing I looked forward to (except for the days I spent with Mitch) was when it's time to pull the long Purple storage box under my bed and choose what iPhone case to use next. Pathetic would clearly be an understatement but that's the truth. My iPhone case collection, as non-sense as it may seem, is usually the only thing that excites me nowadays. It actually gives me something good to look forward to. And it makes me smile. As pathetic as it is, you know what they say, "Never regret the things that made you smile because at one time in your life, it was what you wanted." I'm keeping this in mind.

Right now, as sad as it really is, this is one of the very few things in my life (Mitch included) that I can hang on to for happiness. And I'm not letting it go.

On re-organizing and budgeting

I wanna be a billionaire so freakin' bad. Lalala.

I'd like to think my life is like a mobile phone. One button is all that it will take to format it and start anew but unfortunately, it isn't. Worse, everything you do cannot be undone simply because life is a bitch like that. However, I guess it's never too late to try to organize myself. I don't have to wait for another New Year to have the drive for change. I'm never good with New Year resolutions anyway. 

As a first step, I decided to start with my finances because my expenses for the past months have been disturbingly high. My savings still haven't recovered yet since my birthday celebration. Not to mention the new addition to my expenses, my guilty pleasure, my Iphone case collection. What can I do? They're so adorable. Anyway, I've devised a strategy on how I can save without having to miss a single payment on my dues. I just hope it'll be effective. Hell, it should be. Otherwise, I'm doomed to declare bankruptcy.

Well, I'm just taking this one step at a time. I've been bad with listing down stuff like things to do, books to read, things to buy, and the like, but who knows this time I might actually end up crossing out things in it as opposed to the usual scenario of looking for the effin' list that I've managed to lose a day or two after writing it. 

Oh, and guess what's number two in my list. 
It's to kill whoever reads this entry! 
And I am serious. lol. 

Back from the dead. For the nth time.

Guess I found my way back here. The need (AGAIN) to let out pent up emotions has brought me back. I don't know if I'm back for good or if this is just another one of those "Guess-who's-back-to-writing-again" posts that were more like the "Naaah-my-pathetic-self-just-really-need-this" entries that you've read here. It's pretty much the same thing, only written on different dates and with different titles. But the truth is, it's just the same old shit over and over again. Just about pain and my incessant pathetic way of dealing with it.

I am 25.

When you get to "THE" stage of your life where you, sooner or later, would be altar-bound, your priorities, goals, perspective, and lifestyle change. Everything changes. At least for me.

Growing up + Feeling grown up = Another (higher) level of maturity

When I was younger, I thought the perfect life plan is to get married at age 24 and have a baby at 25. That was the kind of life schedule (if I should call it that) my mom had so I wanted my life to happen that way too. But I realized, it's really not something that can be scheduled or planned.

So here's the thing, I am 25. Not yet married, not even engaged, and (fortunately) not yet a mom. In short, the life plan I constructed for myself was more like just some random note doodled on a scratch paper out of boredom that should go directly to the trash bin and be recycled. But hey, I do not feel any remorse about this. I'm happy the way my life turned out to be. I am young. I have a loving boyfriend, a stable job, and lots of good friends. I am living a pretty much happy life.

Last night, I got myself to thinking and it has dawned on me how I've matured and changed over the years. From thinking about booze and monopoly nights with friends, taking a leave at work for a dance gig, random movie nights, and the like, I now think of saving up for the future, taking up masters degree, job promotion, marriage and family. Wow, things are really different now. I am still the same person though, only with different priorities. Different goals.

I am at a point in my life where:

Boyfriend comes first before family.

Work before leisure.

Church before play.

I don't mean this is in any negative way. We were taught that family should always come first and that was what I was taught too but things are different now. I am now building a life of my own. A life that only I can make or break and it's not like I love my family any less. I love them just as much, prolly even more. Thing is, I like to build with my boyfriend a relationship as deep as I have with my family because I know someday, he will be my family. We will be each other's family.

Life is never simple nor easy. It's not like a movie where you write the script and everything just falls accordingly. It can change faster than a snap. It's your response to the changes that determines how your life will go. It's your life... live it. Just some tip though, if you think you've had it all figured out, you haven't. *naughty grin*

...and because I KNOW you're constantly checking on my blog site.

Call me judgmental, arrogant, assuming. I don't care. I call this being REAL.

-----------------------------

Dear YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE,

I don't need to be close to you or to talk to you everyday just to know you or the type of person that you are. You're much easier to read than a book I've kept since pre-school.

Truth is, I don't like you because I know you don't like me too. I've long tried to contain the fact that ignoring you forever will not be possible since we are on the same field but I will not be harmed if I try. I have tried a couple of times though to be friends but for some reason, I end up vomitting inside. I really cannot do it. Not just yet.

Probably because I still can not understand why on Earth would you make a fake account of mine in Facebook and try to ruin me. How low can you get and WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU? Huh. WHAT?! And the best-worst part of all of this is that you don't think that I'd find out. Well, be surprised because I did!

You think you're smart and you've figured everything out. You mapped out a plan of ruining me. Step 1: Create a Facebook account using my name and my picture. Step 2: Add friends who you know works at Meralco too. Step 3: Wait til a friend posts something. Step 4: And when someone finally does, you'd write stupid, mean, and low-life comments. Saying "THEN GO TO HELL!" for example. "Then go to hell"??? What the eff. Is that the best you've got. I honestly thought you could come up with something better. Something that's cheaper and dumber. But say what, you never fail to disappoint me, that is to say.

Here's another truth, I have not forgiven you yet. Forgiving someone who's not even asking for forgiveness and worse, not even owning up to the mistake, is not something that I am really good at. I am still frantically mad about this though it's been six months already since then. I can not forget nor forgive what you did.

Now, if you really want to be my friend, you just have to leave me alone. Let me move at my pace and STOP pushing my buttons. Use your mind and grow up. When that happens (if it ever will) then we can be friends.

-----------------------------

Whew! I feel a whole lot better now.

Ay Em Paking PAGOD =(

1) Of nursing all these "why" questions.

2) Of hoping that things will get better.

3) Of feeling inferior.

4) Of understanding things that I don't really know.

5) Of feeling fat and unpretty.

6) Of feeling that I'm never good enough to get what I want.

7) Of hearing pleas and excuses of why things are the way they are.

8) Of feeling like I am non-existent.

9) Of waiting for nothing.

10) Of being stubborn.

I really need to be slapped in the face. True friends, where you at?

Slap me, please. Slap me f*cking hard.

Somebody in love with someone.

Somewhere along the road, you'll meet someone who will change your life. A person who will not change you but instead, will bring out a part of you that you never knew existed. And you'll love and hate the person that you are when you're with him - so patient, always understanding, always giving, never doubting, just loving. It's always his feelings before yours. Always him before you. Always. He has that great power over you all because you love him. And when you finally realize how much you have abused yourself, "Too Much Love Will Kill You" will play on the radio for the added coincidental drama. But you just laugh it off. C'mon, you love the person and if that's the case then you're ready to die anytime; afterwhich, you will still feel like you're on Cloud 9... Because this is what he do to you. He drives you crazy. He makes you fall endlessly.

He will hurt you in many different ways but will always stay loyal, faithful, and in love with you. He will upset you today then make you happy tomorrow; Disappoints you on the day after and will make you laugh the next day. He will give you a dose of frustrations at its most bitter taste every now and then but you'll still love him anyway. No matter what he do or how he disappoints you, you never see any reason to give up loving him.

He doesn't seem to know how much you love him no matter what you do or no matter what kind of surprise you come up with. That's just the way it is. That's just not possible because your words and actions combined will still not suffice the way you feel about this person.

You always want to see this person and be with him. But as much as you want to see him everyday, instances will not allow it and later on you realize that is a good thing. It somehow gives you time for yourself, or time with other things and other people. It provides you room to miss each other. You get to feel that strong urge of wanting and needing to see him... to be with him... with silent hopes that he feels the same. With him, there's always something to look forward to. You'll never know what to expect.

He is that someone you always think of in anything and everything you do. He makes the good things all the more joyful and makes the bad things easy to bear. He is that someone you want to talk to after a long day at work because just hearing his voice is enough to keep you energized. He is the first person you think of when something good comes up. And when you see an upcoming movie that interests you, you'd want to see it with him. When you feel the need or just simply want to go somewhere, he's the first person you want to travel with. Needless to say, you just want this person to be a part of everything you do.

When asked to spell love, you would spell out his name because to simply put it, he is your everything. He is your love. He is your pain. He is your happiness. He is your frustration. Every good thing about you is him. You love him and you just keep on falling and you will never hit the ground.

Love, Technology, and Everything in Between

Okay, I am surprised by two things. One, that Ashton can write this good. Two, what he wrote actually made sense. Well, I am an instant fan.

****************************************

I was shooting a scene in my new film, No Strings Attached, in which I say to Natalie Portman,

“If you miss me, you can’t text, you can’t email, you can’t post it on my Facebook wall. If you really miss me, you come and see me.”

I began to think of all of the billions of intimate exchanges sent daily via fingers and screens, bouncing between satellites and servers. With all this texting, emailing, and social networking, I started wondering, are we all becoming so in touch with one another that we are in danger of losing touch?

It used to be that boy met girl and they exchanged phone numbers. Anticipation built. They imagined the entire relationship before a call ever happened. The phone rang. Hearts pounded. “Hello?” Followed by a conversation that lasted two hours but felt like two minutes and would be examined with friends for two weeks. If all went well, a date was arranged. That was then.

Now we exchange numbers but text instead of calling because it mitigates the risks of early failure and eliminates those deafening moments of silence. Now anticipation builds. Bdoop. “It was NICE meeting u.” Both sides overanalyze every word. We talk to a friend, an impromptu Cyrano: “He wrote nice in all caps. What does that mean? What do I write back?” Then we write a response and delete it 10 times before sending a message that will appear 2 care, but not 2 much. If all goes well, a date will be arranged.

Whether you like it or not, the digital age has produced a new format for modern romance, and natural selection may be favoring the quick-thumbed quip peddler over the confident, ice-breaking alpha male. Or maybe we are hiding behind the cloak of digital text and spell-check to present superior versions of ourselves while using these less intimate forms of communication to accelerate the courting process. So what’s it really good for?

There is some argument about who actually invented text messaging, but I think it’s safe to say it was a man. Multiple studies have shown that the average man uses about half as many words per day as women, thus text messaging. It eliminates hellos and goodbyes and cuts right to the chase. Now, if that’s not male behavior, I don’t know what is. It’s also great for passing notes. there is something fun about sharing secrets with your date while in the company of others. Think of texting as a modern whisper in your lover’s ear.

Sending sweet nothings on Twitter or Facebook is also fun. In some ways, it’s no different than sending flowers to the office: You are declaring your love for everyone to see. Who doesn’t like to be publicly adored. Just remember that what you post is out there and there’s some stuff you can’t un-see.

But the reality is that we communicate with every part of our being, and there are times when we must use it all. When someone needs us, he or she needs all of us. There’s no text that can replace a loving touch when someone we love is hurting.

We haven’t lost romance in the digital age, but we may be neglecting it. In doing so, antiquated art forms are taking on new importance. The power of a hand-written letter is greater than ever. It’s personal and deliberate means more than an email or text ever will. It has a unique scent. It requires deciphering. But, most important, it’s flawed. There are errors in handwriting, punctuation, grammar, and spelling that show our vulnerability. And vulnerability is the essence of romance. It’s the art of being uncalculated, the willingness to look foolish, the courage to say, “This is me, and I’m interested in you enough to show you my flaws with the hope that you may embrace me for all that I am but, more importantly, all that I am not.”

- Ashton Kutcher

117.

It's Mitch's birthday today. Naka-birthday leave sha but since wala naman kami napagusapan na plan to celebrate together, hindi kami nagkita. I sent him a huge birthday card via LBC. Na-receive nya nung umaga. Natuwa naman sha at na-suprise, sabi nya. So Yey for that! :)


I was kinda upset that I didn't see him today, lalo na at may special occasion. But family should always come first, of course. So naiintindihan ko naman. May sort of panghihinayang lang, you know.


Change topic.

I was swamped with work in the office today. Tambak yung due ko for feedback letters, homaygad talaga. I even had to work during my lunch break just to make sure I'll finsih everything before five o'clock dahil hindi na kami allowed na mag-overtime, which sucks a lot! pffft.


Oh life! Kelan kaya ako matututo? Stubborn me. Parang may dyslexia lang ako when it comes to life. Hate it!

philosophy churva

One of my philosophies in life:

If someone does something that I dislike, I react or tell it to them right away. Because if I don't then they'll think that's okay. And if it happens again then it's my fault and I'd have no right to feel bad because I always had a chance to tell them when it happened for the first time and I just didn't.

Boring Saturday.

Hyperactive mind.

Most times we plague ourselves with questions that we know we cannot answer; or at least, not right away. I'd like to think that we all have this tendency to make things hard for ourselves. We complicate things. Come to think of it, had we chosen to care less about the things that bother us, we wouldn't be suffering lack of peace of mind. But because we have a mind and heart and because we know how to use it, we always choose to do otherwise. We always end up forming theories in our mind that we know we are bound to debunk. We debate with ourselves. We try to figure and unravel things out even though we know that we are most likely to fail than to succeed. We always end up recognizing the slim possibility of successfully making sense of everything; failing to recognize the fact that if there's a possibility that we will, there's a greater possibility that we won't. It's just the way it is.

Peace of mind and piece of mind do not really go along pretty well, at least for me. I suck at thinking. I always overthink things and I can't seem to get a hold of it. It's too early to feel tired but my mind already is.

Maybe I can go back to my sleep now.

GV, come to me! Keep coming!

Okay, I'm no longer emo. But I am sick and I don't know why. I don't understand why my temper is 38 when I don't even have colds or a sore throat. Anyway, that's the least of my concerns right now. I'm just feeling this day, though tiresome, I sorta feel bettter - from being highly emo to a little bit emo nalang. Hehe, ang arti lang! Tomorrow, I hope it'll be "No longer emo" :)

Good vibes, come tome. Keep coming to me! I need you! :)

falling apart.

I woke up with the urge to re-read everything I've written here. Maybe I need a validation of how wrong I am when I wrote yesterday that I haven't learned anything for the past 24 years. I need this. I just feel so down since I don't remember when and I want this feeling to go away. I am emotionally tired. The thought of failing has never motivated or challenged me in anyway. In fact, it caused me to drown myself even more with thoughts of how I am falling apart. I am never good in turning negative things into positive thoughts. I no longer have the ability to see the brighter side of things. The fire has died out a long time ago.

This is me, the raw me. The me that's been hiding all these years. For the first time, I don't feel scared of writing what I want. But as much as I want to write every feeling, every thought as long as this courage lasts I don't think I can do that. It's just not possible for someone like me because I know myself too well. I know perfectly that I will regret it later on if I do that.

But this, I wanna share to those who care and to those who don't. I have a lot going on in my life right now. I am so stressed with my work, my family issues, my health problem, and other personal stuff. Desperately, I am hoping that I will wake up one day and realize that all the problems have gone away. But those kind of stuff only happen in books and I am in no fairy tale. No fairy godmother to offer me wishes. No prince charming or knight in shining armor to come to my rescue. No magic carpet to take me away. This is real life where most things don't come easy.

No matter how hopeless things may seem, I still hope. No matter how broken my heart gets every time I fall, it still beats anyway. No matter how distressed I am by love, I still choose to open up my heart. No matter how down life puts me, I still choose to rise up and live every moment - good or bad. I still choose to live.

I don't understand why when I was living an almost perfect life, I longed for balance between happiness and sadness. And now that I am living the ideal normal life I suddenly feel weak and discouraged. I don't understand why it took me this long to finally recognize that I already have what I have longed for in the past years. Well, life only does what it does best. It always surprise you... never fails.

With this, I'd like to quote a character from How I Met Your Mother, "I think I forgot how it feels like to chase the real thing. I think I'm ready again."