Done with the BS.

It was a long hard-fought self battle. It was toxic and stressful in so many ways. I still don't know what kept me on it and I thought discovering it is a prerequisite before I win over this one. Basic problem solving procedure: Identify the problem so you can provide the solution to it, right? Turns out, in my case, it isn't.

Thing is, I don't give up on people easily. I have tons of faith that everyone can change hence, everyone deserves a chance. But once I lose that faith, that's it. It will take more than effort to convince me to take someone back. Actually, most of the time, there's nothing that can be done anymore. Once I get tired of the stupidities, martyrdom, exerting effort to understand the things that hurt me, trying to accept things that is waaaaaay less than what I always knew in my heart that I deserve, I'll leave just like that. And believe me, the person will not ask why. He will not ask why because he knows. HE SHOULD KNOW.

To be honest, there's nothing more rewarding than a moment like this... the moment when you finally realize that it isn't going to work and that trying to fix things will only be pointless. It is at moments like this that I am no longer vulnerable hence, the person automatically loses whatever power he has over me since the beginning. All of a sudden I am free from stress and negative thoughts. No more toxicity, just pure self-love. It is at times like this that I become the happiest because even though I got hurt, at least I know I tried.

Okay, I'll admit to being stubborn as to why I let things like this happen to me, why I expose myself to so much pain, why I keep trying to understand others and why I always accept their shortcomings when I always knew that I will get tired and give up eventually. Well, let's just say, I am still hopeful. Yes, odd as it may seem, I still am even after every failed relationship I've been in.

I am still hopeful that someday, someone will see my worth before I give up... that despite his imperfection, he will try to be his best self for me instead of using it as a lame excuse for his shortcomings. I am still hopeful that in spite of my willingness to expose myself to pain, he will not hurt me or at least, won't do it intentionally. I am hopeful, still hopeful, that someday, somewhere, there is that one person who will love me the way I always deserve to be loved. I am hopeful that soon, I will find him or maybe, just maybe... One of these days, he will finally find me.

Patience and faith, Zen. Patience and faith.