Blah. Blah. Blah.

Earlier today, I looked at myself in the mirror. I realized I put on some weight. The bags under my eyes are darker and bigger. My hair has gone dry and almost with split ends. 

Pathetic. Fat. Ugly. Wasted. Defeated. Lost. I am all these things. 

Well, not that that's something unusual. What do you expect from someone who'd rather spend time writing about how her life is messed up instead of just finding ways to redirect it? To simply put it, I don't like the person I saw. 

Teach me how to love myself. Someone, please? I NEED TO LEARN. ASAP.

Do you? I do.

Do you still think of me?
Do you ever just space out and find yourself reminiscing our memories?
Do you ever miss me?
Do you ever wonder if I have already eaten?
Do you ever wonder what I'm doing?
Do you ever wonder what I'm thinking?
Do you ever pray about me?
Do you ever close your eyes and try to imagine me?
Do you ever talk about me?
Do you ever write about me?
Do you ever dream about me?
Do you ever yearn for me?
Do you ever feel sad?
Do you ever feel my pain?
Do you ever feel the same?
Do you ever?
Do you?
Coz I do.

Of pride

I'm never the type to stay when I already feel that my presence is no longer appreciated. If you push me away, I'll go. I don't need words because words do not hold any meaning once the actions speak of the truth.

I learned. 

Of wondering and make believe

I always wonder how would you feel when you read all my entries about you... All my pain about you. What would you think of me? Emotionally crazy at 30, perhaps? A psycho? An emo? Or would I even matter?

I always wonder if you'll feel the pain in my every word. I wonder if you'll feel the pain that I carry with me everyday. I wonder if you'll feel my pain? I wonder if you still feel me. 

In a far-fetched world, I will be holding you. I will never have to cry because I will never have to let you go. We will back to our normal happy selves and will choose to be together all the time. We'll visit museums and parks or just sit on a couch and be lazy like pandas all day. In a far-fetched world, I will be with you. In a far-fetched world, you will be with me. In a far-fetched world, where we no longer have to ask hypothetical questions, we will be laughing endlessly and just be happy. In a far-fetched world away from all these pain, I will not have to write this because you will be beside me and I will be watching you in awe as you tell your stories. In a far-fetched world, I am beside you and I am happy.