dot-dot-dot LIFE.

I went home around 2am last night. Despite the pagod, I still had a hard time catching sleep. So nakahiga lang ako the whole time until antukin at makatulog. And out of the blue, bigla ko lang naisip "ako". Oo, ako.. as in ako. Yung buhay ko, Mga ginagawa, nagawa, at gagawin ko.. Ang dami ko naisip. Ang dami ko narealize.. as in maraming marami.

Let me share some.

I have done a lot of bad things. Ang dami kong kelangan ipaghingi ng sorry sa maraming tao like Erik, my dad, my brother, and the list goes on. There were a lot of times that I've been too weak. I know what's right but ended up doing otherwise. Being human isn't and shouldn't be an excuse for the things that I did. I made a lot of mistakes and I am owning up to all of it. I have to change some of my ways, I know. but it's really always easier said than done. Then I remembered, no one can change overnight. It doesn't work that way. Changing, ideally, has to be gradual. Ika nga, slowly but surely.

It's sad to realize that I have tons of things to apologize for to a lot of people. But it's even sadder to realize that I still haven't forgiven myself for all the things I've put myself into, and for the bad decisions I made in the past and is still making. Paano nga ba patawarin ang sarili? At pano ba malaman na karapat-dapat nga patawarin ang sarili mo? Bakit walang ganitong lesson sa mga textbooks? Bakit hindi ito kasama sa curriculum ng university na pinanggalingan ko? Bakit ang hirap ng buhay.

I'm living life one day at a time. Would you imagine, I'm already 23 pero hanggang ngayon, wala pa rin akong malinaw na goals. Oo, meron akong mga gustong mangyari sa buhay ko. Gusto ko maging successful. Gusto ko magka-family. Gusto ko magka-business. Yun ang problem, puro na lang "gusto" pero walang malinaw na plano. Oo, may trabaho ako pero ang totoo, wala pa rin direction talaga ang life ko. Last night was really a rude awakening. God, help me.


Life is so hard. I'm afraid I can't keep up.
I need more drive. More inspiration. More motivation.
Baby, come home.

Ow-em-nyi.

Okay. I really had no plans of writing tonight but Friendster provoked me to do so. Haha! Here's why: I opened my Friendster account and decided that it's about time to change my shout out. Then I noticed its similarities with when you post statuses in Facebook. As in people can also comment on your Friendster status. Sounds family buh?! Akala ko Multiply lang ang nayanig ng FB, pati pala Friendster. Ohwell, masisisi ba natin ang Multiply and Friendster? Accounts there started to nest cobwebs already. Tsktsk.

I want my bed.

Ondoy and it's aftermath.

September 26 was traumatic. Muntik na tayo salantain ni Ondoy ng bonggang bongga. Lots of people lost a lot... their business, their homes, and even their loved ones. I have a friend here at Marilao, Bulacan who lost all their businesses. Their eatery was brutally soaked in flood. Their machine business is now a 'crude-less' disaster and their feeds are impossible to be salvaged. Where do they start? How do they pick up from here? How do we deal with Ondoy's aftermath?

Nung kasagsagan ng bagyo, I thought I was so unlucky because I was home alone. My dad was stuck at the airport because he just came back from Bacolod. My mom was stranded from 1pm til early morning because Mac Arthur Highway was no longer passable. I have no food, no water, and power's out. Kaya rin shempre, I was clueless about everything that was happening in our village. Hindi ako makapanood ng news. Akala ko simpleng baha-baha lang kasi nagbabaha naman talaga sa Mac Arthur e. Nalaman ko lang na grabe pala when a friend texted me that night to check up on me because he knew I was alone. He sounded so worried so I told him to relax. Sabi ko pa nga wag shang OA e. Sabi nya seven baranggays na raw ang inevacuate at nasaan daw ako. Grabe. Hindi ako makapaniwala kaya dahil hindi ko naman ramdam sa house na ganun pala katindi so I tried to go out to check it out myself. Guess what? Ni hindi na ako umabot sa labas ng gate namin. Yung baha paakyat na sa garahe namin. A neighbor who saw me said, "O nandyan ka pala. Akala ko walang tao dyan." Sabi ko, "Ay hindi po kasi ako lumalabas. Ano pong nangyayari, bakit baha dito sa street natin?" Then he said, "Buti nga dito sa atin ganito lang. Dun sa first street kasing taas na ng street post. Sa crossing parang dagat na. Kung ako sayo i-angat mo na mga gamit nyo. Tapos pumunta ka na sa lola mo." Okay... thanks to him. Muntik na akong mag-panic ng bonggang bongga. So I went back inside the house. Tinaas ko ung mga appliances na kaya kong itaas hanggang sa wala na ako mapagpatungan. Bahala na. I decided to stay at home para at least mabantayan ko ung bahay. Kung pasukin man ng baha, at least makakakilos ako and maitataas ko ung mga iba pang kaya ko. Good thing, hanggang garahe lang ung tubig. I slept around 3:30am. Wala na kasing ulan nung time na un kaya sa tingin ko safe na matulog.

I woke up at around 7am. I checked the house, wala naman baha. The flood already subsided and all that's left in our street was mud. I walked around the village and it was a very unpleasant view. May mga gamit sa daan.. clothes, toys, pillows, at kung anu-ano pang mga inanod ng baha. They were all covered with mud. May dead animals din. It was heartbreaking. I went to my relatives' houses to see how they are. Buti they were all safe. Binaha rin but they were safe. Thank God.

God let this happen and I know there's a reason for that. Whatever that reason is, we will know in time. And kahit paano, may positive naman na naidulot. We have learned to love each other even more, kahit yung mga taong hindi natin kilala. We care for everybody. We are all willing to help. Filipinos were united and that's a great start.

God is good.
Filipinos, payt payt payt!!