I went home around 2am last night. Despite the pagod, I still had a hard time catching sleep. So nakahiga lang ako the whole time until antukin at makatulog. And out of the blue, bigla ko lang naisip "ako". Oo, ako.. as in ako. Yung buhay ko, Mga ginagawa, nagawa, at gagawin ko.. Ang dami ko naisip. Ang dami ko narealize.. as in maraming marami.
Let me share some.
I have done a lot of bad things. Ang dami kong kelangan ipaghingi ng sorry sa maraming tao like Erik, my dad, my brother, and the list goes on. There were a lot of times that I've been too weak. I know what's right but ended up doing otherwise. Being human isn't and shouldn't be an excuse for the things that I did. I made a lot of mistakes and I am owning up to all of it. I have to change some of my ways, I know. but it's really always easier said than done. Then I remembered, no one can change overnight. It doesn't work that way. Changing, ideally, has to be gradual. Ika nga, slowly but surely.
It's sad to realize that I have tons of things to apologize for to a lot of people. But it's even sadder to realize that I still haven't forgiven myself for all the things I've put myself into, and for the bad decisions I made in the past and is still making. Paano nga ba patawarin ang sarili? At pano ba malaman na karapat-dapat nga patawarin ang sarili mo? Bakit walang ganitong lesson sa mga textbooks? Bakit hindi ito kasama sa curriculum ng university na pinanggalingan ko? Bakit ang hirap ng buhay.
I'm living life one day at a time. Would you imagine, I'm already 23 pero hanggang ngayon, wala pa rin akong malinaw na goals. Oo, meron akong mga gustong mangyari sa buhay ko. Gusto ko maging successful. Gusto ko magka-family. Gusto ko magka-business. Yun ang problem, puro na lang "gusto" pero walang malinaw na plano. Oo, may trabaho ako pero ang totoo, wala pa rin direction talaga ang life ko. Last night was really a rude awakening. God, help me.
Life is so hard. I'm afraid I can't keep up.
I need more drive. More inspiration. More motivation.
Baby, come home.
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