placebo, maybe

Maybe if I condition my mind that everything will be well, maybe everything will be well... eventually, at the very least. Maybe if I keep myself busy enough with work, with friends, and other stuff, then maybe my quest to getting my mind off things will be a success. Maybe if I channel all the pain and all the hurt to dancing, then maybe I will be able to create better pieces. Maybe if I stop thinking about everything, maybe I will be able to forget everything. Maybe if I stop asking questions, then maybe I will eventually tire of seeking for answers. Maybe if I start feeling okay, then maybe I will be okay. Maybe if I shift my focus to what's ahead then maybe, just maybe, I will be able to keep everything behind.

You and I: Of reel and real life

You’re the only person who knows how much I cried when I  watched Miracle in Cell no. 7. You’re the only person who would understand why I never wanted to see this movie again. You were there beside me. You were there hugging me as my heart kept breaking in every scene of the movie. You saw how swollen my eyes were after watching. With my nose so pink and my hair so messy, you said I looked like a kid who lost her candies. Maybe I was because I had no idea a movie can leave you crying even after all its credits have finished rolling up. I was devastated.

And maybe, I was that movie to you. I’m that beautiful movie that you will never forget for the very reason that watching it once is already enough. I am that good movie that you will refuse to see again no matter how good it was because it broke you so bad that the idea of watching it again was not something you would want to do. Because watching it again would mean feeling everything including the pain it once brought you and it's not something you're prepared to experience all over again.

Whilst to me, you will always be the City of Angels -a movie that will always be dear to me. A movie that still leaves me in awe even though I've watched it over and over again. A movie that taught me and all others out there that if sacrificing everything would mean that you’ll get to hold and feel and be with that one person that you love, even just for a moment, then it will always be worth it.

This may be the end of it all - the end of us. But please know that I will always be thankful that I met you. I will always be thankful that we happened. I will always be thankful for all the lessons I've learned during my life with you. I will always be thankful.

We may not have been able to get the ending we hoped and worked for for eight years but maybe this is the ending God has intended for us. 

Thank you. Sorry.

I love you. Goodbye.