placebo, maybe

Maybe if I condition my mind that everything will be well, maybe everything will be well... eventually, at the very least. Maybe if I keep myself busy enough with work, with friends, and other stuff, then maybe my quest to getting my mind off things will be a success. Maybe if I channel all the pain and all the hurt to dancing, then maybe I will be able to create better pieces. Maybe if I stop thinking about everything, maybe I will be able to forget everything. Maybe if I stop asking questions, then maybe I will eventually tire of seeking for answers. Maybe if I start feeling okay, then maybe I will be okay. Maybe if I shift my focus to what's ahead then maybe, just maybe, I will be able to keep everything behind.

You and I: Of reel and real life

You’re the only person who knows how much I cried when I  watched Miracle in Cell no. 7. You’re the only person who would understand why I never wanted to see this movie again. You were there beside me. You were there hugging me as my heart kept breaking in every scene of the movie. You saw how swollen my eyes were after watching. With my nose so pink and my hair so messy, you said I looked like a kid who lost her candies. Maybe I was because I had no idea a movie can leave you crying even after all its credits have finished rolling up. I was devastated.

And maybe, I was that movie to you. I’m that beautiful movie that you will never forget for the very reason that watching it once is already enough. I am that good movie that you will refuse to see again no matter how good it was because it broke you so bad that the idea of watching it again was not something you would want to do. Because watching it again would mean feeling everything including the pain it once brought you and it's not something you're prepared to experience all over again.

Whilst to me, you will always be the City of Angels -a movie that will always be dear to me. A movie that still leaves me in awe even though I've watched it over and over again. A movie that taught me and all others out there that if sacrificing everything would mean that you’ll get to hold and feel and be with that one person that you love, even just for a moment, then it will always be worth it.

This may be the end of it all - the end of us. But please know that I will always be thankful that I met you. I will always be thankful that we happened. I will always be thankful for all the lessons I've learned during my life with you. I will always be thankful.

We may not have been able to get the ending we hoped and worked for for eight years but maybe this is the ending God has intended for us. 

Thank you. Sorry.

I love you. Goodbye.

To Multiply or Not To Multiply?

While transferring files from my desktop to my new baby, I saw this folder saved as "For Multiply Upload". So I opened it and boy, was I surprised of how many subfolders were saved there waiting to be uploaded. It has been a long while since I last opened my account. I even had to retrieve the password, imagine that. As per records, my last photo upload was dated October of 2009.

Due to some changes that happened in my life this year, I was reluctant to use my existing Multiply account since it was full of memories of my past. I even considered making a new one. but then I thought, so what if it has too many memories of my past? It was a part of my life no matter what happens and a new multiply account won't erase those memories and it's not like I would mean to that. I've always been good in keeping memories, especially the good ones.

So I decided to keep my old account and to update it. It'd be interesting to browse the account maybe after a year or so and see the transition from one chapter of my life to another. I just wish there's a way to change the user name though; but since there's none (yet), I guess I'm stuck with it.

Check out my Multiply Page: http://zen06.multiply.com
The Brief Online Documentation of my Life :)

Pisces Horoscope for May 2009.

I'd have to agree with this. This coincidentally applies to me and to everything that I'm going through right now. Parang coke lang... SAKTO!

Source: http://www.luckylegendary.com/Horoscopes.aspx

"Now is a time for self analysis. Look at your past and the patterns you have displayed in the past. What has worked for you and what hasn't. How do you get rid of the things that don't work and how to use the things that do. After your self analysis repair what needs to be repaired and MOVE ON WITHOUT LOOKING BACK. You've entered your phase of Enlightenment. "



I've highlighted those parts which I think really applies to me right now. It's funny that it's super appropriate. How the hell was that possible? :D

Broken hearts still beat.

This is an excerpt to one of my oldest journal entries. It was originally dated June 25, 2004. I wrote it around 3:02 in the morning.

I've been through the greatest heartache because someone in my past gave it to me. On the contrary, I want to thank him for that because it made me certain that I can give the kind of love, which can be called TRUE and SACRIFICIAL. Though I was hurt, I knew deep within that it was one of the best times of my life because during that point, I was certain that I know what love is and that I know how to love... and believe me, there is no greater thing than knowing and learning the raw facts of life. Yes, it was painful but it made me a better and a much stronger person. i learned about love the hard way but that doesn't matter because love entails being hurt and being hurt means that you are loving. And that is a good sign.

There you have it.

Unposted Blog

Here's an unposted blog. I saved this in my Multiply Account. I just wanted to write about this that time. This was dated September 9. If this someone gets to read this, perhaps, she will know that this is for her.

You didn't let me in. I just wish you did. I wanted to understand you, I wanted to be there for you, I wanted to be one of the people you turn to when you're in trouble. I wanted to be a friend but you didn't let me. You didn't let me in your world.. in your life. I don't know why.

It's just so frustrating to see new people get close to you easily because I've tried to do the same for years but nothing seemed to work. Maybe we really are better off this way. acquaintances and never friends.. sad. It probably is too late now anyway because issues keep popping between us. The gap is bigger. And pretty soon, I'll be going away. It just breaks my heart to feel that the existence of friendship between us has moved closer to impossibility.. and even though I would like to explain myself or my side to you, I don't know how.

I really do not know you. I never knew the real you because I never had the chance. I wish I did, though. You can believe everything I've written here or not. It's really up to you. Maybe this will be another issue between us... something you and your real friends will talk about. Maybe you'll think I'm not sincere or maybe you will see through my words.. I don't know. How am I supposed to know, right? I never got to know you.

I don't know if it will happen anymore. I don't know if you'll ever see me as a friend. For now, I choose to give up. People get tired you know. And I guess I ran out of ways to try being a friend to you. I lost hope. Maybe we've been trying so hard.

It took me years to realize that civil is all that we will ever be. Little more, little less. I don't know if you ever saw me as a friend or ever considered me as one. I wanted to ask you this question for so long but I didn't because I'm scared to know the answer. Believe me or not, being unwanted as a friend is just enough to break my heart. Maybe, this question is better left unanswered for now. Maybe the answers will unfold on it's own. Time will probably tell.

So before I end this, I want to say thank you and I'm sorry. I know you're not the only one who's been hurting and trying. And maybe you don't want it to be this way either but perhaps, it's for the best. Who knows in the future, our paths may cross again and maybe when that time comes, we can have a fresh start. I'd really love that.

Zen

goodbye depression.

I've realized something. In lieu to my previous post, I realized that depression will not leave me as long as I am nurturing it. I know I keep on saying that I'll try to be okay and et cetera, et cetera, blah-blah-blah but I kept on ranting about it in every blog I posted here. Yikes. So now, the time has come to break up with depression. Of all the breakups I've encountered in my life, this actually is the only positive one. Hehe.

So after this entry, I won't be ranting anymore about my depression, desperation, and all the negative emotions nesting in me with the hope that it will eventually go away. I've already had enough with depression and I'd like to believe that it is vice versa.

So goodbye depression. It's now time to really, really, as in really get up. A new beginning is waiting for the new, improved me.

Wish me luck.