When blogging doesn't seem enough

I'm not sure of what I exactly feel right now except that I know I feel bad. My mind is cluttered with sad thoughts and I think I am mad. Not the mad "crazy-mad" but the angry kind of mad. I don't understand why am I in this position when all I did was be a good friend in the way I know how. Why do I need to be in this kind of situation? I really feel so bad about the things that I can't change; of the people that I thought I grew close with; of the friends that I thought I'd always have; of the happiness that's drifting away; of the part of me that I no longer love. It's like seeing too many familiar things in a new light; feeling lost in a place you've always known. It's too complex and it's changing me in ways I no longer cope with. I'm tired. Dead tired.

A pinch of happiness. MY pinch.

I am writing because I am worried that I have been what you may consider as shallow, lately. So much have happened and the past months were a roller coaster ride of emotions. I have been more sad than happy, if I remember it right; especially during this time of the day when the noise around me starts to fade and silence slowly takes place. This kind of ambiance just makes me feel helpless. As much as I try to escape the thoughts that I have tried to dismiss for most time of the day, it's just not possible.

I usually just leave my tv on 'til I fall asleep. At least there's noise. It may not be loud enough but at least, it's audible enough to help me keep my guard up against these thoughts that I feel so tired already to entertain. But since my cable connection's still messed up, I'm having a hard time catching sleep. These sad thoughts are keeping me awake and restless. 

Truth is, I am scared. I'm scared coz I feel like a fish on a bird's nest struggling and desperately hoping someone would notice me and put me back to the sea. I don't want to die. I don't want to lose this life. I just want to swim away. I don't usually let others suck the life out of me but I'm afraid I am defeated already. 

For the past months that I exhausted all my efforts to keep myself steady and sane, the only thing I looked forward to (except for the days I spent with Mitch) was when it's time to pull the long Purple storage box under my bed and choose what iPhone case to use next. Pathetic would clearly be an understatement but that's the truth. My iPhone case collection, as non-sense as it may seem, is usually the only thing that excites me nowadays. It actually gives me something good to look forward to. And it makes me smile. As pathetic as it is, you know what they say, "Never regret the things that made you smile because at one time in your life, it was what you wanted." I'm keeping this in mind.

Right now, as sad as it really is, this is one of the very few things in my life (Mitch included) that I can hang on to for happiness. And I'm not letting it go.

On re-organizing and budgeting

I wanna be a billionaire so freakin' bad. Lalala.

I'd like to think my life is like a mobile phone. One button is all that it will take to format it and start anew but unfortunately, it isn't. Worse, everything you do cannot be undone simply because life is a bitch like that. However, I guess it's never too late to try to organize myself. I don't have to wait for another New Year to have the drive for change. I'm never good with New Year resolutions anyway. 

As a first step, I decided to start with my finances because my expenses for the past months have been disturbingly high. My savings still haven't recovered yet since my birthday celebration. Not to mention the new addition to my expenses, my guilty pleasure, my Iphone case collection. What can I do? They're so adorable. Anyway, I've devised a strategy on how I can save without having to miss a single payment on my dues. I just hope it'll be effective. Hell, it should be. Otherwise, I'm doomed to declare bankruptcy.

Well, I'm just taking this one step at a time. I've been bad with listing down stuff like things to do, books to read, things to buy, and the like, but who knows this time I might actually end up crossing out things in it as opposed to the usual scenario of looking for the effin' list that I've managed to lose a day or two after writing it. 

Oh, and guess what's number two in my list. 
It's to kill whoever reads this entry! 
And I am serious. lol. 

Back from the dead. For the nth time.

Guess I found my way back here. The need (AGAIN) to let out pent up emotions has brought me back. I don't know if I'm back for good or if this is just another one of those "Guess-who's-back-to-writing-again" posts that were more like the "Naaah-my-pathetic-self-just-really-need-this" entries that you've read here. It's pretty much the same thing, only written on different dates and with different titles. But the truth is, it's just the same old shit over and over again. Just about pain and my incessant pathetic way of dealing with it.

Marsobente 2012: My Sisters from Another Mother ♥

Dinner at Bigoli, Trinoma with Rosario, Lerianne, and Joy 

My small and simple token of appreciation for these ladies ♥ 

 

P.S. Five days in advance but it sure felt like it was actually my birthday celebration. Dating these lovely ladies is a great way to start my week-long birthday celebration. Thank God for these ladies!  

literally somewhere between the dead and the living

Okay. So in my attempt to have a healthy midnight snack, I cut my finger. Demmit. It didn't bleed though but it really hurts. It's a long cut and the wound is somewhere between the epidermis and the dermis (if I recall my Biology subject correctly), that's why it didn't bleed. I wanted to post a photo of how it looked like but it's too gruesome.

Bakit ganiter?! Ang gusto ko lang naman kumain ng fruit cocktail. =/

There's this blog that I visit every now and then to check if the writer has a new entry. Like me, she writes sporadically and when she does, I always see to it that I read everything. Sometimes I even re-read her older entries when she doesn't have new ones. Stalking? Maybe. I don't know. I'm not really friends with this blogger but we have a lot of mutual ones. That's actually how I came across her blog. I am friends with her in Facebook and I follow her on Twitter but we never really talked ever. I greeted her on her birthday (via Facebook) and she thanked me, though. But does that count?

Anyway, she's really a great writer. If it wasn't embarrassing or weird I would have posted the link to her blog or simply drop her name here. But believe me when I say that her entries, no matter how non-sense she thinks they all were, are all very good read. She writes very sincerely. I feel her pain, her boredom, her excitement, her sadness... I feel every emotion in her entries as though they were my own. Whenever I read her stories, or entries rather, I feel less stressed and more inspired. It's like I draw inspiration from this person. I don't exactly know why. Maybe because we have a lot in common. It's like I can see in her the 'more-creative-more-sincere-and-more-sophisticated' version of me. Or maybe I'm just amazed to find someone who I can relate to the way I relate to her. She puts into words everything that I cannot say or write. And it's kinda sad though that I can't thank her or commend her for this.

Oh well, maybe one day, fate will bring us together and we'll be (great) friends. Until such day, I hope she keeps on writing because as pathetic as this sounds, I draw strength from her entries.

I totally forgot that I have a blog. And I totally forgot how to write.

I remember a friend told me once that she knows when something is wrong or when something is up with me because I write sporadically. So when I do, I ALWAYS have a better reason besides intolerable boredom.

So yes, something is wrong AGAIN. My drive was killed and it sucks. I feel so bad getting what I don't believe I deserve. Life is really not fair and I know it but eveytime I play the role of the victim, I just don't know how to get up. Demmit. I feel so defeated. All my hardwork went to nothing. It just killed my drive. They killed my drive. This is unacceptable.

This is the worst thing I ever had to deal with in years. I know I just have to accept it since there's nothing I can do anymore to turn the situation to my favor but it's just so effin' hard. I was taught and trained to always rise above the situation but right now, I don't think I can do it. There's nothing more I can give because I've already given it my all but it all went to trash.

The problem with unrecognized efforts is it kills the drive in one snap. Just like that. It only took one snap. This is just not right.


P.S. How do you resurrect the dead?