I haven't read any book for months now.
I no longer dance.
I do not even browse YouTube anymore.
I stopped blogging.
I stopped writing notes/letters.
I stopped collecting Zebra-printed things.
I'm not as excited as I used to be anymore about Purple stuff.
I no longer collect iPhone cases.


You lose something everytime you change. And this time, I lost a lot.
I lost myself.

Have you seen it?

When blogging doesn't seem enough

I'm not sure of what I exactly feel right now except that I know I feel bad. My mind is cluttered with sad thoughts and I think I am mad. Not the mad "crazy-mad" but the angry kind of mad. I don't understand why am I in this position when all I did was be a good friend in the way I know how. Why do I need to be in this kind of situation? I really feel so bad about the things that I can't change; of the people that I thought I grew close with; of the friends that I thought I'd always have; of the happiness that's drifting away; of the part of me that I no longer love. It's like seeing too many familiar things in a new light; feeling lost in a place you've always known. It's too complex and it's changing me in ways I no longer cope with. I'm tired. Dead tired.

A pinch of happiness. MY pinch.

I am writing because I am worried that I have been what you may consider as shallow, lately. So much have happened and the past months were a roller coaster ride of emotions. I have been more sad than happy, if I remember it right; especially during this time of the day when the noise around me starts to fade and silence slowly takes place. This kind of ambiance just makes me feel helpless. As much as I try to escape the thoughts that I have tried to dismiss for most time of the day, it's just not possible.

I usually just leave my tv on 'til I fall asleep. At least there's noise. It may not be loud enough but at least, it's audible enough to help me keep my guard up against these thoughts that I feel so tired already to entertain. But since my cable connection's still messed up, I'm having a hard time catching sleep. These sad thoughts are keeping me awake and restless. 

Truth is, I am scared. I'm scared coz I feel like a fish on a bird's nest struggling and desperately hoping someone would notice me and put me back to the sea. I don't want to die. I don't want to lose this life. I just want to swim away. I don't usually let others suck the life out of me but I'm afraid I am defeated already. 

For the past months that I exhausted all my efforts to keep myself steady and sane, the only thing I looked forward to (except for the days I spent with Mitch) was when it's time to pull the long Purple storage box under my bed and choose what iPhone case to use next. Pathetic would clearly be an understatement but that's the truth. My iPhone case collection, as non-sense as it may seem, is usually the only thing that excites me nowadays. It actually gives me something good to look forward to. And it makes me smile. As pathetic as it is, you know what they say, "Never regret the things that made you smile because at one time in your life, it was what you wanted." I'm keeping this in mind.

Right now, as sad as it really is, this is one of the very few things in my life (Mitch included) that I can hang on to for happiness. And I'm not letting it go.

On re-organizing and budgeting

I wanna be a billionaire so freakin' bad. Lalala.

I'd like to think my life is like a mobile phone. One button is all that it will take to format it and start anew but unfortunately, it isn't. Worse, everything you do cannot be undone simply because life is a bitch like that. However, I guess it's never too late to try to organize myself. I don't have to wait for another New Year to have the drive for change. I'm never good with New Year resolutions anyway. 

As a first step, I decided to start with my finances because my expenses for the past months have been disturbingly high. My savings still haven't recovered yet since my birthday celebration. Not to mention the new addition to my expenses, my guilty pleasure, my Iphone case collection. What can I do? They're so adorable. Anyway, I've devised a strategy on how I can save without having to miss a single payment on my dues. I just hope it'll be effective. Hell, it should be. Otherwise, I'm doomed to declare bankruptcy.

Well, I'm just taking this one step at a time. I've been bad with listing down stuff like things to do, books to read, things to buy, and the like, but who knows this time I might actually end up crossing out things in it as opposed to the usual scenario of looking for the effin' list that I've managed to lose a day or two after writing it. 

Oh, and guess what's number two in my list. 
It's to kill whoever reads this entry! 
And I am serious. lol. 

Back from the dead. For the nth time.

Guess I found my way back here. The need (AGAIN) to let out pent up emotions has brought me back. I don't know if I'm back for good or if this is just another one of those "Guess-who's-back-to-writing-again" posts that were more like the "Naaah-my-pathetic-self-just-really-need-this" entries that you've read here. It's pretty much the same thing, only written on different dates and with different titles. But the truth is, it's just the same old shit over and over again. Just about pain and my incessant pathetic way of dealing with it.