midnight feels

There are still some days when I wake up to the feeling of brokenness and sadness. During these days, I automatically give in to the sad thoughts that seemed to have found its way to the surface during my sleep. During these days, I still harbor the same questions that I asked myself back when you told me to fight for you.

There are days when I just want to stop thinking about you, to just give up loving you, and to stop waiting... But I guess it is true what they said that the heart wants what it wants. This heart wants what it wants and this heart still wants you. And as much as I no longer want to hope, a part of me is still holding on to the slight piece of thought that maybe, just maybe, yours still wants me too.

Right now, I just try to get my mind off things by spending time with friends, writing, reading, doodling, dancing, archery, binge-watching TVD on Netflix, and a whole lot of other activities. I hope that the fact that I have not been crying as often as I do before is an indication that what I am doing is effective. I cannot be more thankful for having such great friends who make me feel loved and cared for. I am thankful that God has surrounded me with people and opportunities that reminds me of His love and presence. Because of all these, my purple heart still manages to smile. I may have lost you but I still have lots of reasons to smile and to be thankful for.

If there's anything good that came out of this fiasco, it's the fact that my relationship with God has grown significantly stronger. It is His words and my prayers that are really helping me through everything. Through the power of prayers, I believe that, little by little, I am getting better despite the occasional bad days. There are less sleepless nights and less tears. I am also slowly getting my appetite back and even though it would mean gaining all the weight I've lost, I think that's still good.

My faith is bigger and stronger than my pain. With God by my side, there is nothing that I won't be able to face. I am saved.

An excerpt

“...I know I keep overthinking and I hope one day I’ll learn to silence all these thoughts or to at least learn to live with it. And as much as I want to believe otherwise, I know I deserve all these after all the poor decisions I’ve made in the past that brought us to where we are right now. The only consolation I have is that maybe, just maybe, through my pain and suffering, you will eventually forgive me. Maybe if I suffer long enough and hard enough, I will be able to forgive myself for everything.

How I wish these words are enough to make you see the truth in my heart – that I have loved you and have not stopped loving you since the very start. Because if words are enough, then I will never stop writing about how much I want you to come back to me. I will never tire of writing how much I love you. I will never stop writing until you find your way back to me. I will never stop writing the same way that I will never stop loving you.”

how to fxn?

I still have few more hours to go before I go back to work but I am already constantly bombarded with questions inside my head on whether or not I can function normally later. The truth is, I have no choice. I have to work. I have to get things done in spite of my emotional state. I am expected to do what I will be told to do. I have no choice.

So tonight, I am praying for focus and clarity of mind. So help me God.

looking forward to better days

For the first time since everything started, I feel better. My quick visit at Pink Sisters helped a lot. It was suddenly easier to let go of the things that I cannot control. I'm beginning to do it, little by little. Hopefully, the next days will be better. Hopefully, I will continue feeling better.

Oh, the magic of prayers. I am thankful.

just about everything that matters #atm

The past days have been extremely hard for a lot of reasons and right now, I just want this all to end. I can't wait to see the light at the end of the tunnel even if it ends up blinding me. I just can't wait to finally know which direction to take after everything. Right now, all I hold on to are prayers and the emotional support I get from the few friends who I entrusted my side of the story with. Somehow, these have been enough to keep me going and to keep me sane.

Despite of it all, I am thankful for the true and new friends that I have right now. On top of everything, I am thankful that God seems to be hearing me out for real.

Expect the worst. Hope for the best.
Right.

- 30 -

PLEASE

Previous post was a jinx

It's only been three days but I can't take it anymore. I wake up everyday and slowly die in pain.  How many more days will there be? I don't think I'm strong enough for this.

I. NEED. HELP.

Of honesty and broken pieces

Tonight, with all the broken pieces of honesty that I have patiently kept just for this moment, I will to tell you that I am broken. I am broken inside and out, in so many pieces, in so many levels, and in so many ways. I am beyond repair. Tonight, I will tell you this as if it's something that you don't already know; as if it's something that doesn't have anything to do with you; as if it's something that you didn't do. I just really want to tell you.

I would give up everything I have just to get even just a tad bit of strength to put my tiny pieces back together. I would do it even if it meant giving up all my broken pieces since right now, it's literally all that I have. The sad truth though is that even if I was strong enough, I wouldn't know how to do it. I wouldn't know what needs to be done. I'm not even sure if I will want to do it. I've been broken for so long that I already forgot what it feels like to be whole. It's like the idea of it has become more and more unfamiliar with every time that I felt like I wasn't worth it at all.

There were some odd days though when I would feel like I finally figured this out only to realize in the end that I wasn't even half right. Crazy ideas would surface once in awhile perhaps out of my sheer stupidity and desperation. And every time it will happen, I would end up being thankful that I wasn't strong enough to do anything. Otherwise, I would have just caused more pain and more trouble.

So tonight, I decide to give up and to give in. I am already tired in my so-called quest to healing. Hence tonight, I will remember everything and feel everything once again. Tonight I will no longer deny that I am stuck in what seems to be a never ending story of how loving has broken me. Of how it is still breaking me. Tonight, through these words of brokenness that I managed to piece together, l wish that you will finally realize that I have not stopped breaking. That as much as I would like for this to end, my broken pieces will not be broken enough. It will continue breaking into smaller pieces over and over again. This is perhaps the reality that I  must accept. So tonight, as I unwillingly give in to the bittersweet reality of how much I have loved you; of how much I still do, I shall embrace this because I have finally come to realize that this is my reality. So tonight, like all the other nights that have gone and the nights that are yet to come, I will love you with all my broken pieces. I will love you as if every broken piece is whole. I will keep on loving you and I will keep on breaking. I will love you until all my broken pieces break into something that can no longer be recognized.

Or maybe even after that.

Exiting the Love Purgatory.

Been here for quite some time. It's no fun here. All I had were moments of uncertainties, unclear messages, double meanings, sarcasm, second-guessing, and et cetera.

But earlier today was like another moment of epiphany. I think I found my way out. I think I finally saw the light at the end of the tunnel. I just got to follow it and I'll be better.

Anyway , thank you. Now I can slowly walk my way out of here. 

You are my pain.

No matter how disappointed I get. Or how much long you keep me waiting. I will still be feeling this way. So go ahead... disappoint me, do keep me wait until I run out of patience. Keep doing it until the day I feel no sadness despite the disappointments anymore... Until I know no more pain... Until I turn numb. Til then, I will still say, I love you.

New-old me.

There were times when I asked why there are relationships that grow cold. I thought figuring out where it went wrong would give me the answers I'm looking for but at the end of my attempts, I am back to where I started - still asking myself. Perhaps, no one can really question love because it's supposed to be felt, not to be figured out.

I just came out of a six-year relationship and the moment it was over, I thought life had already lost its meaning. I didn't know where to pick up from. I didn't know how to start over again. I thought I was faced with an impossible task of forgetting. I thought forgetting him will be the key to my salvation. However, all my efforts to forget him has just doubled the pain. The more that I forced myself into forgetting, the more intense the pain became. So I let myself move in my pace. Then, I started collecting myself, one step at a time. I lived every today and every tomorrow as it came. I started to make plans for myself. I made a list and lost it. But the point here is that I was able to make that first step. I realized and learned so many things. I realized that I can never take him off my heart just like the ones before him. They will forever be a part of me. They are a part of who I am. They were all like an added pillar that strengthened me as a person. I'd like to think they made me stronger and better.

Sometimes you really need to step back to see things in a clearer perspective and that's what I did. Thus, no more victimizing myself. No more why-questions. No more tears. No more hoping. No more pain. I realized that not all good things last. Note that this isn't pessimism. This is reality and this is as real as it can get. This is life.

I have no regrets about what happened. I am just thankful that once in my life the feeling lived in my heart and made me happy. Thank you.

Bull crap. Ouch.

Someone bluntly told me that my explanations were all "bull crap". Yes, that was the term used. I am not taking it against her if she doesn't want to believe me but does her words really have to be that sharp and painful? It felt as if the sadness and helplessness surfaced and came to me all at once. It was beyond melancholic in so many levels. I initially asked myself what it is that I did that made her hate me that much, you know, to use those kinds of words to pertain to what I call "my feelings". But then I realized, it's not what I did but what I did not do that made her turn her back on me. So yeah, I prolly deserve it.

If only....

Too painful to write about.

Why is it that when you are with the utmost need to write about everything you feel, about every detail of your pain, or how ugly you suddenly feel inside, or confused you feel... that's also the time when you are out of words and energy to do it?

This sucks.


PS. I thought I was already over it.

It hurts. Yes, it still does.

My friend once wrote an entry on her page about her past, regrets, and bitterness. I remember commenting in her entry because I loved the last line. She wrote, "I am forgiven." It's a huge thing to do... Forgiving yourself for all the things that you wish didn't happen, for all the things you wish you didn't do, for all the things you wish you did but didn't, for all the things that happened that you wish you could take back but cannot. I wish I can say that line too. I wish I can write that here too.

Everytime I look back, there's still that definite pain in remembering everything. As much as I wanna let go of it, I cannot.

How are we supposed to forgive ourselves?
Teach me.

I Remember. Yes, I Remember.

It was in summer of last year when my relationship with my boyfriend went on the rocks. We both had issues - mostly personal ones that we had to deal with that time. Looking back, I can say that the issue came from my end. I was dealing with a personal issue for so long during that time... I've kept that to myself for too long until one day I realized that I don't know myself anymore, or what I want or need to do in my life. I kinda blamed my boyfriend for it and I felt like he didn't fully understand what I was going through and what he had to do with it. So I asked for space out of fear that one day I'll wake up hating him and loving him no more. However to him, it was either way painful and it (asking for space and breakup) almost meant the same. Prolly, to take away all the complications that he can, he took the liberty of asking for a breakup, w/c out of stupidity, I granted.

Tears fell as the weeks passed. We were both in pain... our families were too. I remember my mom would cry with me at night. And during the weekends at LB, my anak-anakans would cry with me too. His sibs would text me everyday just to ask how I was. Everybody who have been a witness of our great love story were all very affected. To have witnessed us grow together in the stretch of four years and six months, they all felt like they have to do something to help us work things out. But they just ended up feeling helpless.

I kept myself busy with my work. Erik, on the other hand, diverted all his attention to dancing. He got his dancing career going good and slowly he was recognized by the dance community. He was often invited to conduct dance classes in the metro. It's what kept him busy during the weekends... the weekends that we were supposed to spend together if we hadn't broken up.

Knowing him, I know he will put whatever it is that he feels to his dancing and so I was watchful of what song he will use in his classes because at that time, it was my only way of knowing. Yes, we were not talking. Of course, I was right. Guess, I know him pretty well. june 28 gave me the validation that I needed. Erik hates me and just like me, he's in so much pain. He used Keyshia Cole's I Remember. The moment I saw in Multiply that he's going to use that song, I immediately googled it and the next thing I know, I was crying nonstop. I called in sick at work the following day because my eyes were totally swollen. I was a mess.

Yes.. I Remember. That was the song that made me ache as if my heart was cut into pieces or maybe worse than that. I felt like a huge part of me died. Then, I turned numb. It was that song. Yes, it was that song that gave me the most excruciating pain in the history of breakups. Few days after that, i got used to the presence of pain. There were no more tears. What can be more painful than seeing him dance all his pain and hatred out, right? what can be more painful than the message of that song.

I remember when my heart broke.
I remember when I gave up loving you.
My heart couldn't take no more of you.
I was sad and lonely.
I remember when I walked out.
I remember when I screamed I hated you.
But somehow deep inside I'm still loving you.
I'm sad and lonely.

See what I mean? I almost gave up because of this song. But I'm glad I didn't. I was able to use the numbness I have to my advantage. I tried to get him back but he kept rejecting me telling me he's not sure if he still wants to. But I kept on trying anyway.I wasn't feeling any pain anymore kaya malakas na malakas na ang loob ko. I practically have nothing to lose. Oo, hinabol ko sya. Pinaglaban ko ang pagmamahal ko. And I'm glad that I did. Because one day, he came to me and I was full of tears with arms wide open.

I still burst into tears whenever I hear or think of this song during the first months after we got back together. It was a song that I cannot avoid because it was one of his best works. And as the months passed, I find myself gradually coping with the situation. There were no longer tears but there's still a little bit of pain. And today, I accidentally heard this song again in my player and there was no pain at all. I just found myself smiling to the memories this song has in me.

I Remember. This song will forever be a part of me. It will forever be a part of my history. It will forever remind me of the things that I learned in love and life. Above all, it wil remind me that in my life, I have learned to love FOREVER.

ERIK'S Choreography to Keyshia Cole's I REMEMBER

e.s.k.a.p.o.

Gusto ko umeskapo. Natuturete na isip ko sa dami ng mga problemang iniintindi ko. Minsan napapaisip ako, pag ba tiningnan ako ng tao, katanggap-tanggap pa kaya sa perspesyon nila kung malaman nila na bente-uno pa lang ako? O magtataka na sila at magugulat na ganun lang ang edad ko? Effective ba ang stresstabs?

Minsan ang sarap na lang mag-wala, magsisigaw, at magtapon ng gamit. Yung tipong one time big time na pagwawala, yung nakakahingal, yung nakakaiyak, yung nakakagigil, yung nakakaubos ng energy. Ang sarap siguro nun noh? Yung may sandaling panahon na wala kang lakas kaya may excuse ka na huminga ng maluwag at humiga sa kama nang walang iniisip habang yung katawan at isip mo nagiipon ng energy dahil alam mo sa sarili mo na ilang sandali lang ay magiisip ka nanaman ng solusyon sa problemang kinakaharap mo. Nakakabusog. Nakakauta. Nakakasawa.

Pwede bang umeskapo na lang? Lalayas, magpapakalayo-layo, magtatago, hindi magpaparamdam... okay ba yung ganon? Kahit isang araw lang... isang araw na wala akong iisipin, walang iintindihin... isang araw na hindi ako makakaramdam ng galit, hindi ako iiyak, hindi mangangalumbaba, hindi magkukunot ng noo... isang araw na pwede akong ngumiti, pwedeng tumawa, pwedeng humalakhak kasi ganun talaga yung nararamdamam ko. Yung tawa na walang pinagtatakpan, tawang tunay, tawang totoo. Nakakamiss lang eh.

..on pain and rage

Right now, I could only think of one way to get even with those people who continue to hurt my family. I can't help but see injustice in all that is happening right now. For all the things they've said to my mom... the harsh things she heard from them.. though I was taught by my parents to always respect a person no matter what, I still can't help but to feel hate, anger, and rage towards them.

Seeing those tears from my mom's eyes, grrrrrrrrr.... every time... every f*cking time, I wish to take revenge. But my mom would just say, "Hayaan mo sila. Wala na tayong magagawa dun."

My mom choose to keep silent. All she will do is cry and then that's it. I don't know how she manages to ignore all these and how she can just let things go and not fight for her self. How I wish I can be like her. I wish I can be as peaceful as her.

Okay na lang. Maniwala na lang tayo sa karma. Si God na ang bahala.