shaping up

been down lately. done some thinking and i finally admitted to myself that i'm totally screwed up. my life's a mess and has no direction. sure i have goals and that was what i always thought mattered. and i'm so stupid to even think that achieving my goals will be just as easy as having one... you know, crossing the bridge when you get there. i always thought it will dictate how i should live my life and which path to take but i'm wrong. totally wrong.

now, i'm an unemployed-bum-parent-dependent person.. in short, a loser. ouch. i need to start learning how to stand on my own. i don't want to be like those people who i dislike for not being able to support themselves or at least try to be independent. but i'm afraid that is what's happening to me... i'm being the person that i don't like to be.

had a talk with my mom recently. she asked me about my plans, whether i'm planning to get a job or to pursue another field or a master's degree. then, there was an awkward moment of silence. what's worse is that, it wasn't because i can't seem to put into words my great plans. it was because there are no great plans... YET. and this uber disappointing fact made me feel as if i'm a part of a so-called social status, popularly known as the Losers. several jobs have been presenting itself to me but i turned my back on them for personal reasons. my life's still a mess and i just thought that it'd be better if i make my next move once i get into shape. i don't want to engage into something unprepared. so i took some time off to contemplate.

now, i gathered up my thoughts and managed to collect myself. my "life"-plan is still a work in progress but at least there's an improvement. just wish me luck and don't jinx me.

whew.