Right now, I could only think of one way to get even with those people who continue to hurt my family. I can't help but see injustice in all that is happening right now. For all the things they've said to my mom... the harsh things she heard from them.. though I was taught by my parents to always respect a person no matter what, I still can't help but to feel hate, anger, and rage towards them.
Seeing those tears from my mom's eyes, grrrrrrrrr.... every time... every f*cking time, I wish to take revenge. But my mom would just say, "Hayaan mo sila. Wala na tayong magagawa dun."
My mom choose to keep silent. All she will do is cry and then that's it. I don't know how she manages to ignore all these and how she can just let things go and not fight for her self. How I wish I can be like her. I wish I can be as peaceful as her.
Okay na lang. Maniwala na lang tayo sa karma. Si God na ang bahala.
Showing posts with label serious stuff. Show all posts
Showing posts with label serious stuff. Show all posts
Saturday, March 8, 2008
Sunday, February 24, 2008
...on love and prejudice
I really can't recall any incident in my life where I received any form of special treatment from my maternal grandmother. It's really not that big a deal, though. Sure, we all have someone or some people in our lives who we find very special to us. Even our parents has their favorite child, they just don't let that show. But my grandmother's different. She has her favorite among us (her grandchildren) and no matter how much she denies it, it really shows. It was already proven for a lot of times. Proven and tested, ika nga. Oh well, what can we say? I guess that's life. Actions will always speak louder than words. Much a cliche but the measure of truth in it is undeniable.
Hey, don't get me wrong. I'm not writing about this because I'm bitter, envious, or jealous. It's really not that. Though I was, way way back but I guess I've learned to just let things go, especially those that's out of my control. So if I'm not the favorite apo, so be it. I'm perfectly fine with it now. Anyway, back to what I was really trying to say, I just find it so amazing how much my lola loves my cousin in spite of everything my cousin have done.
Nobody's perfect, yes. We all sin. We all have our lapses, shortcomings, failures. It all just differ to the extent of our mistakes, the consequences, and the regrets. At one point in our lives, we all have been the cause of other's pain, disappointment, anger, and the like - pretty much like my cousin to my lola. It may seem quite ironic, at least for me, because whenever I encounter the concept of "favorite-ing" someone, it's always the good persons who gets to be the favorite one. I'm not trying to say that my cousin's the bad/black sheep but if based on the extent of mistakes, maybe she is. But still, she's the favorite... the chosen one. And no matter how much she screwed up her life, my lola just kept on loving her. Saying bad things out of anger, only to end up hugging her. Isn't that amazing? Unconditional love.
That's love eh. When you love a person, you love them as a whole. You love every bit and inch of that person. You learn to love even the imperfections. And whatever s/he does, how bad she screws up, or how bad s/he makes you feel, you still love him/her. It won't change. There's no reason to love him/her less or to stop loving him/her at all.
-30-
Hey, don't get me wrong. I'm not writing about this because I'm bitter, envious, or jealous. It's really not that. Though I was, way way back but I guess I've learned to just let things go, especially those that's out of my control. So if I'm not the favorite apo, so be it. I'm perfectly fine with it now. Anyway, back to what I was really trying to say, I just find it so amazing how much my lola loves my cousin in spite of everything my cousin have done.
Nobody's perfect, yes. We all sin. We all have our lapses, shortcomings, failures. It all just differ to the extent of our mistakes, the consequences, and the regrets. At one point in our lives, we all have been the cause of other's pain, disappointment, anger, and the like - pretty much like my cousin to my lola. It may seem quite ironic, at least for me, because whenever I encounter the concept of "favorite-ing" someone, it's always the good persons who gets to be the favorite one. I'm not trying to say that my cousin's the bad/black sheep but if based on the extent of mistakes, maybe she is. But still, she's the favorite... the chosen one. And no matter how much she screwed up her life, my lola just kept on loving her. Saying bad things out of anger, only to end up hugging her. Isn't that amazing? Unconditional love.
That's love eh. When you love a person, you love them as a whole. You love every bit and inch of that person. You learn to love even the imperfections. And whatever s/he does, how bad she screws up, or how bad s/he makes you feel, you still love him/her. It won't change. There's no reason to love him/her less or to stop loving him/her at all.
-30-
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
On thesis, problems, and disappointments...
Had "the" talk with my mom again. No changes. I still went blank the moment she popped the biggest question of my life. Argh. I'm working on my plans now unlike the first time, though. Things are still hazy for me right now. My life's much like a hair that sucks big time - full of tangles. So many dead ends. I'm beginning to be hard on myself even though I know it wouldn't help me at all. I'm only one step away to the very end of all these chaos in my life but I can't seem to move. I'm stuck. Can it be more obvious? It's so friggin' frustrating.
My state of mind right now suggests that "if ever" someone coincidentally asks me of what I'm good at, my first answer should be screwing up. I'm already 21 and will soon be 22 in months time but I can't seem to handle things like these the way an adult should. I always end up screwing. Can I not screw up, for a change? Seriously.
I'm so stressed out. I've got so many things to do... so many things to deal with... and all those are pushing me to the very edge of my limits. I feel like I'm hanging by a thread. What's worse is that, it's not the fragility of the thread that worries me . It's my utmost want to give up. I'm sooooo tired.
After all the contemplation that I did, I managed to strategize my way out of all these bullshit but whenever I am that close to escaping, something always... as in always happens. It's like everything I try to do to fix my fucked up life is doomed to fail. I don't really know what's up. I'm beginning to think that I'm cursed though I'm really not a believer of urban legends. Is this all happening to me because of a chain text message or a mantra of that kind that I purposely deleted from my inbox without even reading? I'm right now in search of the answers and explanations for everything that has been going on.
Now, there are people in my life who's looking down on me as if I screwed everything up in purpose. They pity me. They talk about me with their colleagues. They formulate their own assumptions and fabricate their own story of my life. In short, they judge me. And it hurts and sucks big time.
I know I'm strong and I can still be stronger. This is probably just like one of those moments in the movies where the lead actors are soooo down and are on the verge of giving up. But something will happen that will make the lead actor say "Hey, God is a machine!" Deuz ex machina. All I have to do is wait for that something and make it happen. There will be no need to save me because I know that He put me into this because He knows that I can pull it off.
I know in God's name, I'll get by.
My state of mind right now suggests that "if ever" someone coincidentally asks me of what I'm good at, my first answer should be screwing up. I'm already 21 and will soon be 22 in months time but I can't seem to handle things like these the way an adult should. I always end up screwing. Can I not screw up, for a change? Seriously.
I'm so stressed out. I've got so many things to do... so many things to deal with... and all those are pushing me to the very edge of my limits. I feel like I'm hanging by a thread. What's worse is that, it's not the fragility of the thread that worries me . It's my utmost want to give up. I'm sooooo tired.
After all the contemplation that I did, I managed to strategize my way out of all these bullshit but whenever I am that close to escaping, something always... as in always happens. It's like everything I try to do to fix my fucked up life is doomed to fail. I don't really know what's up. I'm beginning to think that I'm cursed though I'm really not a believer of urban legends. Is this all happening to me because of a chain text message or a mantra of that kind that I purposely deleted from my inbox without even reading? I'm right now in search of the answers and explanations for everything that has been going on.
Now, there are people in my life who's looking down on me as if I screwed everything up in purpose. They pity me. They talk about me with their colleagues. They formulate their own assumptions and fabricate their own story of my life. In short, they judge me. And it hurts and sucks big time.
I know I'm strong and I can still be stronger. This is probably just like one of those moments in the movies where the lead actors are soooo down and are on the verge of giving up. But something will happen that will make the lead actor say "Hey, God is a machine!" Deuz ex machina. All I have to do is wait for that something and make it happen. There will be no need to save me because I know that He put me into this because He knows that I can pull it off.
I know in God's name, I'll get by.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
shaping up
been down lately. done some thinking and i finally admitted to myself that i'm totally screwed up. my life's a mess and has no direction. sure i have goals and that was what i always thought mattered. and i'm so stupid to even think that achieving my goals will be just as easy as having one... you know, crossing the bridge when you get there. i always thought it will dictate how i should live my life and which path to take but i'm wrong. totally wrong.
now, i'm an unemployed-bum-parent-dependent person.. in short, a loser. ouch. i need to start learning how to stand on my own. i don't want to be like those people who i dislike for not being able to support themselves or at least try to be independent. but i'm afraid that is what's happening to me... i'm being the person that i don't like to be.
had a talk with my mom recently. she asked me about my plans, whether i'm planning to get a job or to pursue another field or a master's degree. then, there was an awkward moment of silence. what's worse is that, it wasn't because i can't seem to put into words my great plans. it was because there are no great plans... YET. and this uber disappointing fact made me feel as if i'm a part of a so-called social status, popularly known as the Losers. several jobs have been presenting itself to me but i turned my back on them for personal reasons. my life's still a mess and i just thought that it'd be better if i make my next move once i get into shape. i don't want to engage into something unprepared. so i took some time off to contemplate.
now, i gathered up my thoughts and managed to collect myself. my "life"-plan is still a work in progress but at least there's an improvement. just wish me luck and don't jinx me.
whew.
now, i'm an unemployed-bum-parent-dependent person.. in short, a loser. ouch. i need to start learning how to stand on my own. i don't want to be like those people who i dislike for not being able to support themselves or at least try to be independent. but i'm afraid that is what's happening to me... i'm being the person that i don't like to be.
had a talk with my mom recently. she asked me about my plans, whether i'm planning to get a job or to pursue another field or a master's degree. then, there was an awkward moment of silence. what's worse is that, it wasn't because i can't seem to put into words my great plans. it was because there are no great plans... YET. and this uber disappointing fact made me feel as if i'm a part of a so-called social status, popularly known as the Losers. several jobs have been presenting itself to me but i turned my back on them for personal reasons. my life's still a mess and i just thought that it'd be better if i make my next move once i get into shape. i don't want to engage into something unprepared. so i took some time off to contemplate.
now, i gathered up my thoughts and managed to collect myself. my "life"-plan is still a work in progress but at least there's an improvement. just wish me luck and don't jinx me.
whew.
Saturday, December 29, 2007
:(
i had a really, really terrible day. it was soooo bad that i can't even begin to write about it. so i guess i'll just pass on this one. this sucks.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
edit mode.
vague as it is, the title's that way for a couple of reasons. four days na lang 2008 na and i must say that i haven't been totally happy with myself this year. i screwed up some big things in my life and i did change both in a positive and a negative way. wasn't able to sleep at all two nights ago because i was contemplating and reflecting; busy comparing the way i am before 2007 came and now that it's about to end and i wasn't really happy with some of my realizations. and so i figured out that i really need to edit some of my ways. edit talaga ung term, hehe.
speaking of edit. i missed doing a lot of things, which i know, with all modesty aside, i'm good at like graphics and visual designs - editing pictures, in particular. i know myself. i have this tendency to rot on things that i suddenly don't do as often as before anymore. and even though i already am aware of this possibility, i still let myself stop on practicing my skill. yes i was busy but every time i have a free time, i chose to do other things and sadly, those other things are really not important at all. much as i hate to admit, i think my skill on graphics and visual designs is beginning to rot. to turn the table, i'm definitely including this in my new year's resolution.
in lieu to the previous paragraph, i also plan to dance again. i'd really make time for that. gaaad, ang taba ko na and even though i'm already aware of this, i can't stop eating. with someone with a big appetite and has no means to burn fats, what do you expect? i'm getting fatter every single day. dati 100 to 105lbs lang ako pero ngayon, tumataginting na 120lbs na ang weight ko. arg! soooper hirap pa naman mag-diet dahil sooooooper sarap kumain!
since i'm already finished reflecting and have finally identified what to change with my attitude, body and etc, i guess i'm now ready to write my resolutions for 2008. i'll do that later. and i really, really promise to myself that this time, i'll strictly abide with what's in that list.
speaking of edit. i missed doing a lot of things, which i know, with all modesty aside, i'm good at like graphics and visual designs - editing pictures, in particular. i know myself. i have this tendency to rot on things that i suddenly don't do as often as before anymore. and even though i already am aware of this possibility, i still let myself stop on practicing my skill. yes i was busy but every time i have a free time, i chose to do other things and sadly, those other things are really not important at all. much as i hate to admit, i think my skill on graphics and visual designs is beginning to rot. to turn the table, i'm definitely including this in my new year's resolution.
in lieu to the previous paragraph, i also plan to dance again. i'd really make time for that. gaaad, ang taba ko na and even though i'm already aware of this, i can't stop eating. with someone with a big appetite and has no means to burn fats, what do you expect? i'm getting fatter every single day. dati 100 to 105lbs lang ako pero ngayon, tumataginting na 120lbs na ang weight ko. arg! soooper hirap pa naman mag-diet dahil sooooooper sarap kumain!
since i'm already finished reflecting and have finally identified what to change with my attitude, body and etc, i guess i'm now ready to write my resolutions for 2008. i'll do that later. and i really, really promise to myself that this time, i'll strictly abide with what's in that list.
Monday, December 17, 2007
kapalmuks.
Bad day.
Ewan ko ba kung bakit may mga taong ganun, ang kapal talaga. errrrrr. I've been trying to not let him get into my nerves pero I can't help it. Two-faced f*g.
If you'll do something for someone, even if it's out of will that you decided to do that, you should just wait for others to see and appreciate your gesture. Don't rant about it. You don't need to brag about it with the hopes of getting compliments. It just doesn't work that way. Instead na ma-appreciate, parang nakakainis. Epal.
*off topic:
Have not written here regularly for the past week/s and for a comeback post, this sucks. the topic sucks.
Ewan ko ba kung bakit may mga taong ganun, ang kapal talaga. errrrrr. I've been trying to not let him get into my nerves pero I can't help it. Two-faced f*g.
If you'll do something for someone, even if it's out of will that you decided to do that, you should just wait for others to see and appreciate your gesture. Don't rant about it. You don't need to brag about it with the hopes of getting compliments. It just doesn't work that way. Instead na ma-appreciate, parang nakakainis. Epal.
*off topic:
Have not written here regularly for the past week/s and for a comeback post, this sucks. the topic sucks.
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
an encounter with an ex
Few minutes ago, an ex of mine, who also happens to be one of my kabarkadas, IM'd me in ym. He just said hi and we talked for like ten minutes and then said our goodnights-slash-goodmornings. To be honest, I was kinda shock that he IM'd me. Para kasi yung nakaka-loko, pasumpong-sumpong. Minsan bigla ang friendly and minsan naman parang umiiwas. And kanina, he was friendly. Hmmm.. Actually, I already knew that he's also online, I just didn't feel like talking to anyone kaya I ignored whoever was online on my ym list. And like I said, sala sa init-sala sa lamig kasi un kaya I really didn't take the initiative to start a conversation.
I just don't get it why he's like that. It just feels awkward coz I really feel na there really are times na iniiwasan niya ako. Haller. Ang tagal na since we broke up pero up to now may ganitong awkward moments parin lalo na pag magkasama kami sa lakad ng barkada. Nakadalawang gf na nga siya after me eh. Haller (again). He was the one who left me way, way back tapos siya pa yung parang nagiging aloof? Pambihira. It's getting kinda funny actually kasi ang weird diba? Pero I know na factor yung gf niya kasi selosa lalo na sa mga ex ni ex ko. Alam ko kasi ex's gf texted me dati and befriended me. Ex's gf was honest enough to tell me that she still feels jealous towards me. So I explained why she should not feel that way at all. At mukhang naging okay naman na after that kasi naging textmates pa kami ni ex's gf.
That's why I get weirded up by ex's actions and treatment to me. Weird for me kasi ako as in, super okay lang. No uneasiness at all when he's around kasi wala na sakin un. Not that I'm saying na may something pa rin siya kaya siya umiiwas and stuff... hindi ganun. What I'm trying to point out is ang tagal na nun kaya hindi na un issue pa dapat lalo na with our respective relationships kasi super tagal na nun, my gaaad. He's my friend and having a bitter past doesn't mean we can never go back to being really friends, at least for me.
Weird.
I just don't get it why he's like that. It just feels awkward coz I really feel na there really are times na iniiwasan niya ako. Haller. Ang tagal na since we broke up pero up to now may ganitong awkward moments parin lalo na pag magkasama kami sa lakad ng barkada. Nakadalawang gf na nga siya after me eh. Haller (again). He was the one who left me way, way back tapos siya pa yung parang nagiging aloof? Pambihira. It's getting kinda funny actually kasi ang weird diba? Pero I know na factor yung gf niya kasi selosa lalo na sa mga ex ni ex ko. Alam ko kasi ex's gf texted me dati and befriended me. Ex's gf was honest enough to tell me that she still feels jealous towards me. So I explained why she should not feel that way at all. At mukhang naging okay naman na after that kasi naging textmates pa kami ni ex's gf.
That's why I get weirded up by ex's actions and treatment to me. Weird for me kasi ako as in, super okay lang. No uneasiness at all when he's around kasi wala na sakin un. Not that I'm saying na may something pa rin siya kaya siya umiiwas and stuff... hindi ganun. What I'm trying to point out is ang tagal na nun kaya hindi na un issue pa dapat lalo na with our respective relationships kasi super tagal na nun, my gaaad. He's my friend and having a bitter past doesn't mean we can never go back to being really friends, at least for me.
Weird.
Monday, December 3, 2007
Reminiscing..
Few days ago, I had an encounter with the so-called Nostalgia. I was just thinking of how happy I am right now with Erik. See, it's December already, which means that we'll be celebrating an anniversary again - our fourth to be exact. I'm soooooo happy.
I can't help but reminisce how our love story started. We were just freshmen students when our relationship bloomed and now, I'm already done in college and it's Erik's last semester already. Four long years. And in that stretch of time, Erik has always been successful in making me feel really loved, wanted, cared for... with him I felt like I'm a gem, well-guarded, safe and sound, from anyone who would like to take me away.
Having him is more than an answered prayer. God knows how I wanted to have someone who would treat me as his treasure, someone who will make all the happy moments in my life all the more joyful, someone who'll be there through thick and thin, someone who'll embrace all my imperfections and will never take it against me. And He gave me Erik - the very someone who treated me the way I want to be treated and most of all, loved me with all of him, with all of his heart. Erik showed me love beyond compare. No man in my life has ever made me feel so loved like how Erik did.
Erik's a really, really great person. More than his good looks is his BIG heart who can show you that he really loves you - through words, and much more through actions. He is my man - my catch of a lifetime.
I can't help but reminisce how our love story started. We were just freshmen students when our relationship bloomed and now, I'm already done in college and it's Erik's last semester already. Four long years. And in that stretch of time, Erik has always been successful in making me feel really loved, wanted, cared for... with him I felt like I'm a gem, well-guarded, safe and sound, from anyone who would like to take me away.
Having him is more than an answered prayer. God knows how I wanted to have someone who would treat me as his treasure, someone who will make all the happy moments in my life all the more joyful, someone who'll be there through thick and thin, someone who'll embrace all my imperfections and will never take it against me. And He gave me Erik - the very someone who treated me the way I want to be treated and most of all, loved me with all of him, with all of his heart. Erik showed me love beyond compare. No man in my life has ever made me feel so loved like how Erik did.
Erik's a really, really great person. More than his good looks is his BIG heart who can show you that he really loves you - through words, and much more through actions. He is my man - my catch of a lifetime.
Monday, November 26, 2007
♥♥♥
Okay, I'm not emo at all but let me be one for now.
I just wanna share this.
I am missing Erik really, really bad. We haven't talked as often and as "tuluy-tuloy" as before these past few days. But we're okay, it's just that, he's been busy and so was I. He was busy with dancing and I was busy with our family business. Ganito siguro talaga when two people don't do the same things together anymore, like us. *sigh
But hey, just so we're crystal, we're really okay. We're not on a rocky road and we're not breaking up or cooling off. I just have to say this, that I miss him big time. Call me defensive, I don't care. *wink.
Maybe this is a "patikim" on what it will be like when we finally both have our own jobs and pursue our own dreams. But nevertheless, I'm thankful to God that He is letting us experience this as early as now. At least, we can use this to our advantage. We can adjust on each other's schedule and make things work. I know we can pull this off. Kami pa?!
In a few days, we'll be celebrating our fourth anniversary. It will be our fourth December 6 together. Grabe, how time flies. Imagine, four years? Not that it's unbelievable. It's just that, I think it's an achievement to stay together for this long and still go stronger every day. Sa dami ba naman ng nakikilala namin sa araw-araw, at sa dami ng nag-interes na mag-penetrate sa relasyon namin... to celebrate our fourth anniversary is really both an achievement and a gift.
And may I add, I am very proud of the two of us because we never had a fight about him or me being jealous of another person. We never had a problem about that. What can I say, we're both good BOOs. :)
It's also very flattering because the people around us always tells us stuff like "Basta imbitado ako sa kasal ha...", "Kayo, mag-break? Newsflash yun pag nagkataon", and blah-blah-blah... It's a very nice feeling knowing that people get inspired with what we have. Few of our friends even told us that we are a living proof that true love still does exist in the world today.
There's nothing nicer than seeing people care for you and care for what you have and be happy because they can see that you're happy or be sad because they can see you're sad. It's nice to affect people's lives.
How I really wish for others to discover this infamous blog because I really want the whole wide world (www - lol!) to know that...
I am happily in love and happily loved.
Four years and will keep on counting.
I just wanna share this.
I am missing Erik really, really bad. We haven't talked as often and as "tuluy-tuloy" as before these past few days. But we're okay, it's just that, he's been busy and so was I. He was busy with dancing and I was busy with our family business. Ganito siguro talaga when two people don't do the same things together anymore, like us. *sigh
But hey, just so we're crystal, we're really okay. We're not on a rocky road and we're not breaking up or cooling off. I just have to say this, that I miss him big time. Call me defensive, I don't care. *wink.
Maybe this is a "patikim" on what it will be like when we finally both have our own jobs and pursue our own dreams. But nevertheless, I'm thankful to God that He is letting us experience this as early as now. At least, we can use this to our advantage. We can adjust on each other's schedule and make things work. I know we can pull this off. Kami pa?!
In a few days, we'll be celebrating our fourth anniversary. It will be our fourth December 6 together. Grabe, how time flies. Imagine, four years? Not that it's unbelievable. It's just that, I think it's an achievement to stay together for this long and still go stronger every day. Sa dami ba naman ng nakikilala namin sa araw-araw, at sa dami ng nag-interes na mag-penetrate sa relasyon namin... to celebrate our fourth anniversary is really both an achievement and a gift.
And may I add, I am very proud of the two of us because we never had a fight about him or me being jealous of another person. We never had a problem about that. What can I say, we're both good BOOs. :)
It's also very flattering because the people around us always tells us stuff like "Basta imbitado ako sa kasal ha...", "Kayo, mag-break? Newsflash yun pag nagkataon", and blah-blah-blah... It's a very nice feeling knowing that people get inspired with what we have. Few of our friends even told us that we are a living proof that true love still does exist in the world today.
There's nothing nicer than seeing people care for you and care for what you have and be happy because they can see that you're happy or be sad because they can see you're sad. It's nice to affect people's lives.
How I really wish for others to discover this infamous blog because I really want the whole wide world (www - lol!) to know that...
I am happily in love and happily loved.
Four years and will keep on counting.
Friday, November 23, 2007
A Minute In My Life I Wish I Saw Coming.
For quite some time, inisip ko na totoo yun... na it really happened. Pero after that, wala na. parang walang nangyari. Everything's back to normal. It was like the conversation was nothing but pure "make believe". Steady lang ako. It wasn't that big a deal anyway. Pero napaisip ako... Bakit kaya? I kept asking that myself pero hanggang ngayon hindi ko pa rin mahanapan ng sagot.
Then I thought, maybe that was the moment talking. All the pent up emotions were also there, talking and joking. Maybe the moon was blue that night. That was one heck of awhile. The one minute in my life that I wish I saw coming...
Then I thought, maybe that was the moment talking. All the pent up emotions were also there, talking and joking. Maybe the moon was blue that night. That was one heck of awhile. The one minute in my life that I wish I saw coming...
Broken hearts still beat.
This is an excerpt to one of my oldest journal entries. It was originally dated June 25, 2004. I wrote it around 3:02 in the morning.
I've been through the greatest heartache because someone in my past gave it to me. On the contrary, I want to thank him for that because it made me certain that I can give the kind of love, which can be called TRUE and SACRIFICIAL. Though I was hurt, I knew deep within that it was one of the best times of my life because during that point, I was certain that I know what love is and that I know how to love... and believe me, there is no greater thing than knowing and learning the raw facts of life. Yes, it was painful but it made me a better and a much stronger person. i learned about love the hard way but that doesn't matter because love entails being hurt and being hurt means that you are loving. And that is a good sign.
There you have it.
I've been through the greatest heartache because someone in my past gave it to me. On the contrary, I want to thank him for that because it made me certain that I can give the kind of love, which can be called TRUE and SACRIFICIAL. Though I was hurt, I knew deep within that it was one of the best times of my life because during that point, I was certain that I know what love is and that I know how to love... and believe me, there is no greater thing than knowing and learning the raw facts of life. Yes, it was painful but it made me a better and a much stronger person. i learned about love the hard way but that doesn't matter because love entails being hurt and being hurt means that you are loving. And that is a good sign.
There you have it.
Tonight I Can Write
This poem is so, so, so beautiful. It's beyond words to describe.
By: Paul Neruda
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
Write,for example, "The night is starry
and the stars are blue and shiver in the distance."
The night wind resolves in the sky and sings.
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, andsometimes she loved me too.
Through nights like this one I held her in my arms.
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.
She loved me,sometimes I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.
Tonight i can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her.
To feel that I have lost her.
To hear the immense night,
still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.
What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is starry and she is not with me.
This is all.
In the distance someone is singing.
In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.
My sight tries to find her as though to bring her closer.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.
The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.
I no longer love her, that's certain,
but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.
Another's. She will be another's.
As she was before my kisses.
Her voice, her bright body, her infinite eyes.
I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is short, forgetting is so long.
Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.
Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
And these the last verse I write for her.
By: Paul Neruda
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
Write,for example, "The night is starry
and the stars are blue and shiver in the distance."
The night wind resolves in the sky and sings.
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and
Through nights like this one I held her in my arms.
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.
She loved me,
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.
Tonight i can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her.
To feel that I have lost her.
To hear the immense night,
still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.
What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is starry and she is not with me.
This is all.
In the distance someone is singing.
In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.
My sight tries to find her as though to bring her closer.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.
The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.
but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.
Another's. She will be another's.
As she was before my kisses.
Her voice, her bright body, her infinite eyes.
Love is short, forgetting is so long.
Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.
Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
And these the last verse I write for her.
WARNING TO ALL, ESPECIALLY TO GIRLS!
Please repost this.
Send this to any woman you know that may need to be reminded that the world we live in has a lot of crazies in it and it's better safe than sorry.
Jim Paredes wrote:
Something that happened in Katipunan, Q.C.
Dear friends,
Many of you may not have heard of the incident that happened to a friend of my son last week at about 6:30 pm right in front of the thickly-populated area of BPI-Katipunan, near Shoppersville. She parked her car right in front of BPI to make a withdrawal and to do some grocery. As she was getting into her car after doing her chores, a man suddenly appeared beside her and tried to bully her into moving to the passenger seat. When she pressed her car horn to call attention, he pushed her in the car and pinned her down with his elbow on her neck. It was a good thing that she had the presence of mind to continue to struggle and press on her car horn to catch attention (even if she had to use her foot to do this). Her assailant even tried to make people believe that it was a domestic matter by telling the crowd not to get involved as it was a "private matter". But with the onlookers multiplying by the second, her assailant finally gave up and ran. That was when she stood up and shouted for help. Thank God the guy got caught and is now under police custody.
Last Saturday, during the inquest, she told me that what gave her the guts to fight her assailant was the article "THROUGH A RAPIST'S EYES" forwarded to our e-group about a week prior to her attack. I am re-forwarding the article (you can find it at the bottom of this e-mail) for everyone's benefit. Please tell your friends, family, and loved ones about this. It works. May I just add that to a certain extent, we have to get ourselves involved if we see violence being committed on anyone like calling on a security guard or a police officer even if it appears to be a domestic matter. It seems that a lot of attackers use that tactic to get away with violence. Not many people know how to take care of themselves when faced with such a situation. Everyone, please be very, very careful.
THOUGHT THIS WAS GOOD INFO TO PASS ALONG...
FYI - Through a rapist's eyes!
A group of rapists and date rapists in prison were interviewed on what they look for in a potential victim and here are some interesting facts:
1] The first thing men look for in a potential victim is hairstyle. They are most likely to go after a woman w ith a ponytail, bun, braid or other hairstyle that can easily be grabbed. They are also likely to go after a woman with long hair. Women with short hair are not common targets.
2] The second thing men look for is clothing. They will look for women whose clothing is easy to remove quickly. Many of them carry scissors around to cut clothing.
3] They also look for women on their cell phone, searching through their purse or doing other activities while walking because they are off guard and can be easily overpowered.
4] The number one place women are abducted from/attacked at is a grocery store parking lot.
5] Number two are office parking lots/garages.
6] Number three are public restrooms.
7] The thing about these men is that they are looking to grab a woman and quickly move her to a second location where they don't have to worry about getting caught.
8] If you put up any kind of a fight at all, they get discouraged because it only takes a minute or two for them to realize that going after you isn't worth it because it will be time-consuming.
9] These men said they would not pick on women who have umbrellas, or other similar objects that can be used from a distance, in their hands.
10] Keys are not a deterrent because you have to get really close to the attacker to use them as a weapon. So, the idea is to convince these guys you're not worth it.
POINTS THAT WE SHOULD REMEMBER:
2] If someone is coming toward you, hold out your hands in front of you and yell 'Stop!' or 'Stay back!' Most of the rapists this man talked to said they'd leave a woman alone if she yelled or showed that she would not be afraid to fight back. Again, they are looking for an EASY target.
3] If you carry pepper spray (this instructor was a huge advocate of it and carries it with him wherever he goes,) yelling 'I HAVE PEPPER SPRAY!' and holding it out will be a deterrent.
4] If someone grabs you, you can't beat them with strength but you can do it by outsmarting them. If you are grabbed around the waist from behind, pinch the attacker either under the arm between the elbow and armpit or in the upper inner thigh - HARD. One woman in a class this guy taught told him she used the underarm pinch on a guy who was trying to date rape her and was so upset she broke through the skin and tore out muscle strands the guy needed stitches. Try pinching yourself in those places as hard as you can stand it; it really hurts.
5] After the initial hit, always go for the groin. I know from a particularly unfortunate experience that if you slap a guy's parts it is extremely painful. You might think that you'll anger the guy and make him want to hurt you more, but the thing these rapists told our instructor is that they want a woman who will not cause him a lot of trouble. Start causing trouble, and he's out of there.
6] When the guy puts his hands up to you, grab his first two fingers and bend them back as far as possible with as much pressure pushing down on them as possible. The instructor did it to me without using much pressure, and I ended up on my knees and both knuckles cracked audibly.
7] Of course the things we always hear still apply. Always be aware of your surroundings, take someone with you if you can and if you see any odd behavior, don't dismiss it, go with your instincts. You may feel a little silly at the time, but you'd feel much worse if the guy really was trouble.
FINALLY, PLEASE REMEMBER THESE AS WELL ...
I know you are smart enough to know these pointers but there will be some time, when you will go "Hmm... I must remember that." After reading, forward it to someone you care about. Never hurts to be careful in this crazy world we live in.
1. Tip from Tae Kwon Do: The elbow is the strongest point on your body. If you are close enough to use it, do it.
2. Learned this from a tourist guide to New Orleans: If a robber asks for your wallet and/or purse, DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM. Toss it away from you... chances are that he is more interested in your wallet and/or purse than you and he will go for the wallet and/or purse. RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION!
3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car: Kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy. The driver won't see you but everybody else will. This has saved lives.
4. Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping, eating, working, etc., and just sit (doing their checkbook, or making a list, etc.) DON'T DO THIS!The predator will be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side, put a gun to your head, and tell you where to go. AS SOON AS YOU LOCK YOUR DOORS...LEAVE!
5. A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot, or parking garage:
a. Be aware. Look around you. Look into your car, at the passenger side floor, and in the back seat.
b. If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door. Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars.
c. Look at the car parked on the driver's side of your vehicle, and the passenger side. If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a guard/policeman to walk you back out. IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. (And better paranoid than dead.)
6. ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs. (Stairwells are horrible places to be alone and the perfect crime spot).
7. If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN! The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times. And even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ. RUN!
8. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic: STOP IT! It may get you raped, or killed. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking, well educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women. He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked "for help" into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim.
Send this to any woman you know that may need to be reminded that the world we live in has a lot of crazies in it and it's better safe than sorry.
Meantime Girl.
I confess. I was once treated like this. I was once a Meantime Girl.
She’s the one you call when you’re bored because she makes you laugh. She’s the one you talk to when you’re feeling down because she’s willing to lend an ear and be a friend. She’s not the one you call when you need a date to your company’s Christmas party, or to go dancing with on a Saturday night. She’s the one you spend time with between girlfriends, before you find "The One". You know, the one who you keep around in the meantime.
She’s not one of the guys, not a tomboy, but you don’t look at her as a "real" woman, either. She’s not bitchy enough, moody enough, or sexy enough to be seen in that light. She’s too laid-back, too easily amused by the same things your male buddies are amused by. She’s too understanding, too comfortable – she doesn’t make you feel nervous or excited the way a "real" woman does. But she’s cool, and nice, and funny, and attractive enough that when you’re lonely or horny and need intimate female companionship, she’ll do just fine. You don’t have to wine and dine her because she knows the real you already, and you don’t have any facades to keep up, no pretenses to preserve. You’re not trying to get anything of substance out of her. She’s not easy, but you know that she cares about you and is attracted to you, and that she’ll give you the intimacy you need. And you know you don’t have to explain yourself or the situation, that she’ll be able to cope with the fact that this isn’t the beginning of a relationship or that there’s any possibility that you have any real romantic feelings for her. She’ll settle for a goodbye hug and a promise to call her and tell her how the date went. She’s just so cool . . . why can’t all women be like that?!
But deep down, if you really think about it (which you probably don’t because to you, the situation between the two of you isn’t important enough to merit any real thought), you know that it’s really not fair. You know that although she would never say it, it hurts her to know that despite all her good points and all the fun you two have, you don’t think she’s good enough to spend any real time with. Sure, it’s mostly her fault, because she doesn’t have to give in to your needs – she could play the hard-to-get bitch like the rest of them do, if she really wanted to. But you and she both know that she probably couldn’t pull it off. Maybe she’s too short, or a little overweight, or has a big birthmark on her forehead, or works at Taco Bell. Whatever the reason, somehow life has given her a lot of really great qualities but has left out the ones that men want (or think they want) in a woman. So she remains forever the funny friend, the steadfast companion, the secret lover, and you go on searching for your goddess who will somehow be everything you ever wanted in a woman.
You’ll joke to her that she should be the best man at your wedding, and she’ll laugh and make a joke about a smelly rental tux.
She doesn’t captivate you with her beauty, or open doors with her smile. Mainly she blends in with the crowd. She’s safe. She doesn’t want to be the center of attention and turn the heads of everyone in the room. But she wants to turn someone’s head. She wants to be special to someone, too. We all do.
She has feelings. She has a heart. In fact, she probably has a bigger and better heart than any woman you’ve ever known because she’s had a front-row seat to The Mess That Is Your Life, and she likes you anyway. She obviously sees something worthwhile and redeeming in you because although you’ve given her nothing, absolutely no reason to still be around, she is.
Anyway, yeah. I’m a Meantime Girl. Been one more times than I care to admit. I don’t know the reason, really, and at this point I don’t even care. I just want to let every guy know who’s ever had the good fortune to have a Meantime Girl that we may be a lot of fun, but we cry, too. A lot. And someday we won’t be around.
She’s the one you call when you’re bored because she makes you laugh. She’s the one you talk to when you’re feeling down because she’s willing to lend an ear and be a friend. She’s not the one you call when you need a date to your company’s Christmas party, or to go dancing with on a Saturday night. She’s the one you spend time with between girlfriends, before you find "The One". You know, the one who you keep around in the meantime.
She’s not one of the guys, not a tomboy, but you don’t look at her as a "real" woman, either. She’s not bitchy enough, moody enough, or sexy enough to be seen in that light. She’s too laid-back, too easily amused by the same things your male buddies are amused by. She’s too understanding, too comfortable – she doesn’t make you feel nervous or excited the way a "real" woman does. But she’s cool, and nice, and funny, and attractive enough that when you’re lonely or horny and need intimate female companionship, she’ll do just fine. You don’t have to wine and dine her because she knows the real you already, and you don’t have any facades to keep up, no pretenses to preserve. You’re not trying to get anything of substance out of her. She’s not easy, but you know that she cares about you and is attracted to you, and that she’ll give you the intimacy you need. And you know you don’t have to explain yourself or the situation, that she’ll be able to cope with the fact that this isn’t the beginning of a relationship or that there’s any possibility that you have any real romantic feelings for her. She’ll settle for a goodbye hug and a promise to call her and tell her how the date went. She’s just so cool . . . why can’t all women be like that?!
But deep down, if you really think about it (which you probably don’t because to you, the situation between the two of you isn’t important enough to merit any real thought), you know that it’s really not fair. You know that although she would never say it, it hurts her to know that despite all her good points and all the fun you two have, you don’t think she’s good enough to spend any real time with. Sure, it’s mostly her fault, because she doesn’t have to give in to your needs – she could play the hard-to-get bitch like the rest of them do, if she really wanted to. But you and she both know that she probably couldn’t pull it off. Maybe she’s too short, or a little overweight, or has a big birthmark on her forehead, or works at Taco Bell. Whatever the reason, somehow life has given her a lot of really great qualities but has left out the ones that men want (or think they want) in a woman. So she remains forever the funny friend, the steadfast companion, the secret lover, and you go on searching for your goddess who will somehow be everything you ever wanted in a woman.
You’ll joke to her that she should be the best man at your wedding, and she’ll laugh and make a joke about a smelly rental tux.
She doesn’t captivate you with her beauty, or open doors with her smile. Mainly she blends in with the crowd. She’s safe. She doesn’t want to be the center of attention and turn the heads of everyone in the room. But she wants to turn someone’s head. She wants to be special to someone, too. We all do.
She has feelings. She has a heart. In fact, she probably has a bigger and better heart than any woman you’ve ever known because she’s had a front-row seat to The Mess That Is Your Life, and she likes you anyway. She obviously sees something worthwhile and redeeming in you because although you’ve given her nothing, absolutely no reason to still be around, she is.
Anyway, yeah. I’m a Meantime Girl. Been one more times than I care to admit. I don’t know the reason, really, and at this point I don’t even care. I just want to let every guy know who’s ever had the good fortune to have a Meantime Girl that we may be a lot of fun, but we cry, too. A lot. And someday we won’t be around.
Unposted Blog
Here's an unposted blog. I saved this in my Multiply Account. I just wanted to write about this that time. This was dated September 9. If this someone gets to read this, perhaps, she will know that this is for her.
You didn't let me in. I just wish you did. I wanted to understand you, I wanted to be there for you, I wanted to be one of the people you turn to when you're in trouble. I wanted to be a friend but you didn't let me. You didn't let me in your world.. in your life. I don't know why.
It's just so frustrating to see new people get close to you easily because I've tried to do the same for years but nothing seemed to work. Maybe we really are better off this way. acquaintances and never friends.. sad. It probably is too late now anyway because issues keep popping between us. The gap is bigger. And pretty soon, I'll be going away. It just breaks my heart to feel that the existence of friendship between us has moved closer to impossibility.. and even though I would like to explain myself or my side to you, I don't know how.
I really do not know you. I never knew the real you because I never had the chance. I wish I did, though. You can believe everything I've written here or not. It's really up to you. Maybe this will be another issue between us... something you and your real friends will talk about. Maybe you'll think I'm not sincere or maybe you will see through my words.. I don't know. How am I supposed to know, right? I never got to know you.
I don't know if it will happen anymore. I don't know if you'll ever see me as a friend. For now, I choose to give up. People get tired you know. And I guess I ran out of ways to try being a friend to you. I lost hope. Maybe we've been trying so hard.
It took me years to realize that civil is all that we will ever be. Little more, little less. I don't know if you ever saw me as a friend or ever considered me as one. I wanted to ask you this question for so long but I didn't because I'm scared to know the answer. Believe me or not, being unwanted as a friend is just enough to break my heart. Maybe, this question is better left unanswered for now. Maybe the answers will unfold on it's own. Time will probably tell.
So before I end this, I want to say thank you and I'm sorry. I know you're not the only one who's been hurting and trying. And maybe you don't want it to be this way either but perhaps, it's for the best. Who knows in the future, our paths may cross again and maybe when that time comes, we can have a fresh start. I'd really love that.
Zen
The Eulogy of an Ex-Friend.
I was in third year college when I took up a subject on Interpersonal Communication. I really enjoyed taking that up. Even though my schedule sucked because of that subject, it was no problem to me. Fast forward. So we had this exercise on writing a eulogy. The twist here is that, we will write a eulogy for ourselves. What's really nice about this exercise is that who will speak and what that person will say is up to us.
I can bluntly recall that while our instructor is discussing the instructions, I've only one person in mind. I knew right then and there that she is the perfect person for this Eulogy exercise. Since I am so tired of her not apologizing for every single thing she did to me and to my mom, I made her apologize to me in my eulogy. Haha.
Read on.
We grew up together but we never really got close enough to consider ourselves the best of friends. But we were close in our own special way. Zen... well, she really is a funny person. She always has this extraordinary energy, which can make you laugh even if you don't feel like laughing. I don't know where she keeps or gets it but she has it.
She was always there for me, through thick and think, in my ups and downs. She was not just a witness of my heartbreaks, escapades, happy moments, and bitter ones... she was in a way, part of it. To have Zen as a friend is such a wonderful happening in my life, that I completely know now.
We have been through a lot of rocky roads and have bumped our heads quite hardly on each bend. We've learned our lessons separately in a hard way. But I loved her. I never stopped being her friend and I just wish she knew that. At times I'd like to come to her and apologize, pride just keeps getting on my way. Even though I know that that is the only thing that she is waiting for, I didn't give it to her. I know Zen very well. I know her enough to know she has already forgiven me for all the things I've done, even without my apology.
I have hurt her in ways that I know really made her feel bad. Sometimes, I just know I ruined her day. I kept telling bad things behind her back, branching those fabricated stories altogether to come up with pathetic fat lies. She never did the same. Instead, she just kept quiet. She kept her anger in discreet and went on acting like she doesn't know anything. It frustrated me. It really, really did. I want her to be mad at me so that I can justify my wrong doings to her. Worse, I wanted to be like her.
Needless to say, she is different. She handles things differently. I envy her and thought that I must hate her because people around us kept comparing us. I have more beauty, she has more brains. But see where did all these put me? I am now bound to hate myself for being such a bitch to a friend I always knew I have. Now, it's too late to apologize. Though I know that wherever she is, she can hear me and probably can see all the bits of sincerity in me, it's still not enough. it's a cliche but if I can just really turn back time, I would be a better friend to her. I swear.
Zen, wherever you are, I am sorry... really, really sorry for everything. I missed you during the times I pretended to not know you at all. I missed you during the times I just kept on hating you... and now, I'll miss you forever.
-30-
Believe me, after this exercise, I really felt good. And hey, I got a flat one for this! :D you might want to try doing this, it's emotionally healthy.
I can bluntly recall that while our instructor is discussing the instructions, I've only one person in mind. I knew right then and there that she is the perfect person for this Eulogy exercise. Since I am so tired of her not apologizing for every single thing she did to me and to my mom, I made her apologize to me in my eulogy. Haha.
Read on.
We grew up together but we never really got close enough to consider ourselves the best of friends. But we were close in our own special way. Zen... well, she really is a funny person. She always has this extraordinary energy, which can make you laugh even if you don't feel like laughing. I don't know where she keeps or gets it but she has it.
She was always there for me, through thick and think, in my ups and downs. She was not just a witness of my heartbreaks, escapades, happy moments, and bitter ones... she was in a way, part of it. To have Zen as a friend is such a wonderful happening in my life, that I completely know now.
We have been through a lot of rocky roads and have bumped our heads quite hardly on each bend. We've learned our lessons separately in a hard way. But I loved her. I never stopped being her friend and I just wish she knew that. At times I'd like to come to her and apologize, pride just keeps getting on my way. Even though I know that that is the only thing that she is waiting for, I didn't give it to her. I know Zen very well. I know her enough to know she has already forgiven me for all the things I've done, even without my apology.
I have hurt her in ways that I know really made her feel bad. Sometimes, I just know I ruined her day. I kept telling bad things behind her back, branching those fabricated stories altogether to come up with pathetic fat lies. She never did the same. Instead, she just kept quiet. She kept her anger in discreet and went on acting like she doesn't know anything. It frustrated me. It really, really did. I want her to be mad at me so that I can justify my wrong doings to her. Worse, I wanted to be like her.
Needless to say, she is different. She handles things differently. I envy her and thought that I must hate her because people around us kept comparing us. I have more beauty, she has more brains. But see where did all these put me? I am now bound to hate myself for being such a bitch to a friend I always knew I have. Now, it's too late to apologize. Though I know that wherever she is, she can hear me and probably can see all the bits of sincerity in me, it's still not enough. it's a cliche but if I can just really turn back time, I would be a better friend to her. I swear.
Zen, wherever you are, I am sorry... really, really sorry for everything. I missed you during the times I pretended to not know you at all. I missed you during the times I just kept on hating you... and now, I'll miss you forever.
-30-
Believe me, after this exercise, I really felt good. And hey, I got a flat one for this! :D you might want to try doing this, it's emotionally healthy.
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