spiels spills.

Been staring on this lifeless monitor for an hour already. I'm trying to make sense of what I want to say and write. I guess there's nothing more... Nothing that's not about pain and longing. Nothing that's not about the pain I am feeling at the moment. Nothing positive, nothing good. Coz nothing is good about me right now except for the fact that slowly, I am learning to get by. I am getting used to carrying this pain around.

Earlier today, I wanted so much to tell you that I will miss you but I chose to play it cool. I chose to not reveal anything anymore because my thoughts and feelings, no matter how honest they are, they don't matter. They are nothing but meaningless thoughts and feelings. I don't matter, not anymore. I wanted to tell you that I miss you. I want to tell you that I love you. I want to tell you the truth. However, if I do, it'd be nothing but wasted words and spilled emotions, much like a milk trying to cover the floor. Something that will eventually need to be wiped away. I'm tired of feeling exposed, sabotaged, and led on. I am dead tired.

From this emotional chaos, I learned that it's possible to be madly in love with someone but still not be ready. You can love someone like it was your first time ever. You can walk on that side of the road that hopefully leads to a happy ending but still be alone. Because the sad truth is, even if the other person feels the same, you can't expect them to go to you or with you. It is not that simple. If they're not ready, they're not ready. You never have to convince someone that you're worth it, that you're worth the risk of being with even though he's not ready. That will not help you in the end. You just have to wait and let God do His thing.

No matter how negative I may seem, I still believe I am worth it. I still believe that I will meet a love that is ready... That I won't have to shed a tear just so he'd know what I feel. I still believe that someone will love me the way I always prayed to be loved. I still believe in love. I still believe in happy endings because no matter how sad my entries are, I am well aware that there is a fine line between being cynical and realistic. And this is me being real. No more sugar coating, no more biases, no more false hopes. Just pure reality. Just pure hope. Pure faith. Pure love. Pure pain.