It was in summer of last year when my relationship with my boyfriend went on the rocks. We both had issues - mostly personal ones that we had to deal with that time. Looking back, I can say that the issue came from my end. I was dealing with a personal issue for so long during that time... I've kept that to myself for too long until one day I realized that I don't know myself anymore, or what I want or need to do in my life. I kinda blamed my boyfriend for it and I felt like he didn't fully understand what I was going through and what he had to do with it. So I asked for space out of fear that one day I'll wake up hating him and loving him no more. However to him, it was either way painful and it (asking for space and breakup) almost meant the same. Prolly, to take away all the complications that he can, he took the liberty of asking for a breakup, w/c out of stupidity, I granted.
Tears fell as the weeks passed. We were both in pain... our families were too. I remember my mom would cry with me at night. And during the weekends at LB, my anak-anakans would cry with me too. His sibs would text me everyday just to ask how I was. Everybody who have been a witness of our great love story were all very affected. To have witnessed us grow together in the stretch of four years and six months, they all felt like they have to do something to help us work things out. But they just ended up feeling helpless.
I kept myself busy with my work. Erik, on the other hand, diverted all his attention to dancing. He got his dancing career going good and slowly he was recognized by the dance community. He was often invited to conduct dance classes in the metro. It's what kept him busy during the weekends... the weekends that we were supposed to spend together if we hadn't broken up.
Knowing him, I know he will put whatever it is that he feels to his dancing and so I was watchful of what song he will use in his classes because at that time, it was my only way of knowing. Yes, we were not talking. Of course, I was right. Guess, I know him pretty well. june 28 gave me the validation that I needed. Erik hates me and just like me, he's in so much pain. He used Keyshia Cole's I Remember. The moment I saw in Multiply that he's going to use that song, I immediately googled it and the next thing I know, I was crying nonstop. I called in sick at work the following day because my eyes were totally swollen. I was a mess.
Yes.. I Remember. That was the song that made me ache as if my heart was cut into pieces or maybe worse than that. I felt like a huge part of me died. Then, I turned numb. It was that song. Yes, it was that song that gave me the most excruciating pain in the history of breakups. Few days after that, i got used to the presence of pain. There were no more tears. What can be more painful than seeing him dance all his pain and hatred out, right? what can be more painful than the message of that song.
I remember when my heart broke.
I remember when I gave up loving you.
My heart couldn't take no more of you.
I was sad and lonely.
I remember when I walked out.
I remember when I screamed I hated you.
But somehow deep inside I'm still loving you.
I'm sad and lonely.
See what I mean? I almost gave up because of this song. But I'm glad I didn't. I was able to use the numbness I have to my advantage. I tried to get him back but he kept rejecting me telling me he's not sure if he still wants to. But I kept on trying anyway.I wasn't feeling any pain anymore kaya malakas na malakas na ang loob ko. I practically have nothing to lose. Oo, hinabol ko sya. Pinaglaban ko ang pagmamahal ko. And I'm glad that I did. Because one day, he came to me and I was full of tears with arms wide open.
I still burst into tears whenever I hear or think of this song during the first months after we got back together. It was a song that I cannot avoid because it was one of his best works. And as the months passed, I find myself gradually coping with the situation. There were no longer tears but there's still a little bit of pain. And today, I accidentally heard this song again in my player and there was no pain at all. I just found myself smiling to the memories this song has in me.
I Remember. This song will forever be a part of me. It will forever be a part of my history. It will forever remind me of the things that I learned in love and life. Above all, it wil remind me that in my life, I have learned to love FOREVER.
ERIK'S Choreography to Keyshia Cole's I REMEMBER
No comments:
Post a Comment