Maybe, maybe.

Maybe in another world you're still mine. Maybe in another world, we can still be happy. Maybe in another world, pain is just a word. Maybe in another world, I'll be smarter and wiser and braver. Maybe in another world, you will ask me how my day was because you really wanted to know about it and not because you just don't know what to say or ask. Maybe in another world, things will be simpler. Maybe in another world, things between us will no longer be complicated. Maybe in another world, I won't have to write this. Maybe in another world, this blog entry won't even exist. Maybe in another world, there is no you and no I.. Just us. Maybe in another world... Just maybe. Maybe.

dear zen

This is prolly a stupid idea... not just the fact that I wrote "dear zen" as a title but more so because I'm going to lecture you here. Here for the world to see, for your readers to read, not that there's any. Anyway, you're up for some online belting. Brace yourself.

Don't be stupid, zen. You're taught to be smart. You are smart. And smart people make smart decisions, smart choices. You graduated from a great university hence the least I expect from you is to be anything but stupid. But you are being stupid right now. Not just in love but with everything. Look at you, you're such a mess. You have to get your act together and quit delaying your plans. Get that COE you need for your Canada trip. Talk to your team leader about the transfer you're planning to make. Book that vacation you've been wanting to go to.  Send that email you've been meaning to send. You have all the time you need right now. Make things happen. You no longer have any excuses. 

Also, you have to learn to quit thinking of other's feelings before your own. That's prolly what has been wrong with you all these time. Maybe that's why people make you wait. Maybe that's why they don't treat you as someone who's so important. Maybe that's why they're not afraid to lose you. Maybe that's why you don't get treated that way you always wanted. Because you always make yourself available for them. You're always willing to wait. Always willing to give way for others. Always willing to put yourself last. Always trying to understand. Always with the shorter end of the stick. Always putting yourself on the losing end. Wake up, darling. You get treated the way you let people treat you. So if you allow them to leave you sitting on a corner of their life waiting for when they need and want you again, good luck with that. YOU ARE NOT A DOCTOR ON-CALL.

Value yourself so you'll be of value to others. Don't make them feel too comfortable around you. Don't make them feel like you're always going to be there for them. Sometimes changing the way you want to be seen by others really involves a little tweaking on your natural self. Not that there's something wrong with you being real and honest but you have to protect yourself. Protect your heart. Then maybe, just maybe, you may end up getting all that you deserve. 

throwback thursday

I'm trying to look back to my childhood, when everything was so simple, when getting good grades was all that mattered, when the most painful thing I experienced were the wounds I got from horseplaying with friends. I am looking back to the times when the only thing I thought of was myself. 

I'm trying to look back to the times when we were nothing but happy and sweet, when everything was so placid and seemed promising. I am looking back to those days. I want to go back to those days. I want to go back to the time when  everything between us was so simple. I want to. Only if I can but I can't. 

So here's to going back to the memories of us, the memories of a thing that was... the traces of a garden that was once beautiful. The memories of you. My memories of you.

Here's a throwback to the time when we were happy together. A throwback to the time when you said you will never be gone. A throwback to the time you kissed me. A throwback to the time you hugged me. A throwback to the time you held me. A throwback to the first time you touched my cheek. A throwback to the time you  planned beautiful things for us. A throwback to the time I started falling. A throwback to something that's still happening. Because I'm still falling. Free falling. Helplessly falling. And I know, I will never hit the ground.

So here's a final throwback to the time that I was full of high hopes. A final throwback to the time I was still sane.  A final throwback to the time I decided to stop chasing you, which was now.

This, now, is really nothing but a throwback. All because it's fucking Thursday. I hate Thursdays. 

Do you? I do.

Do you still think of me?
Do you ever just space out and find yourself reminiscing our memories?
Do you ever miss me?
Do you ever wonder if I have already eaten?
Do you ever wonder what I'm doing?
Do you ever wonder what I'm thinking?
Do you ever pray about me?
Do you ever close your eyes and try to imagine me?
Do you ever talk about me?
Do you ever write about me?
Do you ever dream about me?
Do you ever yearn for me?
Do you ever feel sad?
Do you ever feel my pain?
Do you ever feel the same?
Do you ever?
Do you?
Coz I do.

F*ck, I miss you.

I miss you today more than the other days. Today is filled with memories and thoughts of you just like the other days but today is different. Today, I can't seem to contain this. Today, I want to explode like a star on a sky you don't even look up to. Today, I just really miss you.

I want to hold you. I want to embrace you. I want to kiss you. I want to feel you. I want to tell you how much I miss you. I want to tell you how much I want to stop missing you. I want to tell you how much it hurts. I want to tell you about my pain. I want to stop hurting. I want to stop loving you. I want to learn to stop loving you. But f*ck, I still do. I will always do. I will always love you. 

Broken heart still beats.

Though getting my heart broken feels like I'm already dying inside, the truth is I'm still alive and breathing and yearning and hurting and loving. My heart, no matter how many pieces there are at the moment, it's still beating. Painfully. Throbbing. Still beating. 

What can I do? I guess no matter how hard I try to control my feelings, I will always be the girl who loves hard. I'll always be that girl who does more, gives more, loves more, and hurts more. I will always be that girl. 

Someone told me yesterday that the person who loved more is usually the person that's more hurt. More broken. More devastated. More wounded. On the other hand, the person who ends up filled with regrets is the person who loved less. I don't know if it's true but I'd like to think and believe that it is. However, I realized that the intensity of pain is not in anyway correlated to whether you loved more or loved less because when two people decide to part ways, both will feel the pain that parting entails. Because pain is a diva like that... It demands to be felt.

In experiencing pain, there is always the question of whether or not you fought the right battle. And everyday, I ask myself this question. Maybe no, maybe yes. But does it really matter? My only point here is that not all those who were wounded picked the right battle. Or maybe, just maybe, they picked the right battle but fought too hard and too long. Like me. Because my heart, no matter how many times it got broken and no matter how broken it is, it still beats. It is still beating. Still loving. Still hurting.

Where is my bed? I want my bed. 

spiels spills.

Been staring on this lifeless monitor for an hour already. I'm trying to make sense of what I want to say and write. I guess there's nothing more... Nothing that's not about pain and longing. Nothing that's not about the pain I am feeling at the moment. Nothing positive, nothing good. Coz nothing is good about me right now except for the fact that slowly, I am learning to get by. I am getting used to carrying this pain around.

Earlier today, I wanted so much to tell you that I will miss you but I chose to play it cool. I chose to not reveal anything anymore because my thoughts and feelings, no matter how honest they are, they don't matter. They are nothing but meaningless thoughts and feelings. I don't matter, not anymore. I wanted to tell you that I miss you. I want to tell you that I love you. I want to tell you the truth. However, if I do, it'd be nothing but wasted words and spilled emotions, much like a milk trying to cover the floor. Something that will eventually need to be wiped away. I'm tired of feeling exposed, sabotaged, and led on. I am dead tired.

From this emotional chaos, I learned that it's possible to be madly in love with someone but still not be ready. You can love someone like it was your first time ever. You can walk on that side of the road that hopefully leads to a happy ending but still be alone. Because the sad truth is, even if the other person feels the same, you can't expect them to go to you or with you. It is not that simple. If they're not ready, they're not ready. You never have to convince someone that you're worth it, that you're worth the risk of being with even though he's not ready. That will not help you in the end. You just have to wait and let God do His thing.

No matter how negative I may seem, I still believe I am worth it. I still believe that I will meet a love that is ready... That I won't have to shed a tear just so he'd know what I feel. I still believe that someone will love me the way I always prayed to be loved. I still believe in love. I still believe in happy endings because no matter how sad my entries are, I am well aware that there is a fine line between being cynical and realistic. And this is me being real. No more sugar coating, no more biases, no more false hopes. Just pure reality. Just pure hope. Pure faith. Pure love. Pure pain.

Of pride

I'm never the type to stay when I already feel that my presence is no longer appreciated. If you push me away, I'll go. I don't need words because words do not hold any meaning once the actions speak of the truth.

I learned. 

Like a cup of coffee

I'm the cup of coffee you make every morning but never finished drinking. But I'm here anyway, waiting to be consumed. I'm the cup of coffee you made earlier today but stopped drinking. I'm that hot cup of coffee that you held carefully then left sitting on your desk. I'm that cup of coffee you left waiting. I'm that cup of coffee you never drank. I was that cup of coffee and now, I'm cold. No one wants a cold coffee.

Yes, I'm that cold coffee that no one seems to want anymore. 

Missing.

Haven't written for two days. Not that it sucks because what really does is the fact that nothing has changed. Same pain. Same sentiments. Same regrets. Same old shit. 

Today tho, I decided to fill myself and my day with positivity. I posted an fb status just so I can force myself to be okay. I wish it was that easy. I'm still not okay but today at least, I'm more productive. I hope in the coming days things will get better. I hope that I will get and feel better. I want to be better.

After 5pm, I'm going home. Not to sulk but to plan a vacation. No, I'm not running away. I just need to breathe. I need fresh air. New surroundings. Even for just a couple of days. I want to be alone with this pain. I want to ponder. I want to drown and be saved from this emotional quicksand. 

I miss my old crazy self. I miss me. 

emoshitshit

Torn between me and you but I shouldn't be, right? Should no longer be. And I shouldn't let that be the case anymore. This time it should be all about me. Just me. No more you, just me. 

Today I shall say no to you. Say no to the Baguio trip you prepared for us. Why now... Now that we've already broken up. Why not when we were together? It hurts that it seems like you only want me when you can't have me. 

So today and on the coming days, I shall say no to the temptation of a reconciliation. No, not anymore. This is the right thing to do and I'm sure of it. I shall say no to you. Yes to me, no to you. 

Me priority.

I had a moment of epiphany around three. I realized I need to focus on myself. Instead of writing about you, or writing you things that you won't even read, why don't I write about myself. Maybe this is why I am broken now. Maybe this is why I lost semblance of self-worth. It's because I always focus on others, on what I feel about others, on my pain about other people.

So from this day on, I'll try to write less about you and more about me. Who knows eventually, I won't need to write about you anymore. Who knows, writing will work its magic for me like how it's helping me get over you. Oh, how I wish I can learn to unlove you. Is it even possible?

Inside out.

I'm broken inside out in so many ways. In so many pieces. How do I collect myself? How do I pick myself up? How do I get rid of the pain when I don't want to let you go?

Earlier this morning I went through our conversations. The happy ones. Then I skipped the sad ones but it didn't help. Not even a bit. The pain is still here. It lingers. 

Earlier this morning, I told myself to stop missing you even though I know it's not possible.

Big word, hope.

Contrary to my previous post, I think there is still hope. Hope. Big word. HOPE. 

The overthinker in me must be killed asap, seriously. 

CHOOSEday. Please choose hope. Please choose me. *sigh*

lestoktom

I felt some sort of panic. I smell something painful. More painful. Well, like the cliche, the truth shall set us free. Will it? What if it doesn't? Does it mean we're lying? 

Tonight I will sleep with fear. Tonight I will sleep with pain. Tonight I will sleep with discomfort of what will my (Tues)day be like.

CHOOSEday. What will your choice be? 

Of wondering and make believe

I always wonder how would you feel when you read all my entries about you... All my pain about you. What would you think of me? Emotionally crazy at 30, perhaps? A psycho? An emo? Or would I even matter?

I always wonder if you'll feel the pain in my every word. I wonder if you'll feel the pain that I carry with me everyday. I wonder if you'll feel my pain? I wonder if you still feel me. 

In a far-fetched world, I will be holding you. I will never have to cry because I will never have to let you go. We will back to our normal happy selves and will choose to be together all the time. We'll visit museums and parks or just sit on a couch and be lazy like pandas all day. In a far-fetched world, I will be with you. In a far-fetched world, you will be with me. In a far-fetched world, where we no longer have to ask hypothetical questions, we will be laughing endlessly and just be happy. In a far-fetched world away from all these pain, I will not have to write this because you will be beside me and I will be watching you in awe as you tell your stories. In a far-fetched world, I am beside you and I am happy.

missing you.

In the middle of a crowded place, I find myself searching for your face. I can't help it. I miss you. And it hurts that I will keep missing you. Not just today or tomorrow but on the coming days, weeks. I will miss you always. I want to stop missing you. I want to stop yearning for you. I want to stop. I want to. I want. I. 

Floating.

I'm floating. I'm in a meeting but my mind is somewhere else. How can I stop thinking of everything? How can I stop thinking of you. Someone teach me please. This is all just too much to bear. Much painful than expected. 

Painful Monday Morning

Woke up today and nothing has changed. Contrary to what he thinks, I woke up with the same decision. I woke up still willing to let go. I still think that this is what's best for me, for us. 

For breakfast, I will eat a slice of the memory of our first meeting with the memory of our first date on the side. Then I'll sip the bittersweet memory of our parting. And I will be full of pain again. 

For lunch, what do you suggest? The memory of the day when you asked for my number, perhaps? I'll think about it later.

nothing but a number

Age is nothing but a number. You can be thirty and still be stupid. You can be thirty and still be gullible. You can be at any age and still be stupid.

Oh, I hate myself right now. Demmit.

immortal.

Writing is not the cure but I am writing anyway. I am writing my pain. I am making this pain immortal. Someday I will reread all my entries like how I reread all our conversations. And when I do, I will still feel the pain. I will come back to this moment as if it happened yesterday and still feel the pain of letting a loved one go. Of letting you go. I will close my eyes and breathe deeply and exhale all the pain away. And I will be okay again.

For now, I will drown myself in this pain. If this is what it takes to love you, I will feel this pain. I will feel this pain everyday as I remember your smile. I will feel this pain everytime I will think of you, which is always. I will embrace this pain and think of you. I will live with this pain everyday coz everyday, I will miss you. I will not let this pain go. I will not let you go. You are my pain.

too much of everything.

...is bad enough.

thirty and single.

If you expect to read about the details of my breakup, spare yourself from disappointment and stop reading. 

****

Is it too late to pursue my dreams?
Is it too late to learn to drive?
Is is too late to focus on my career?
Is it too late now to be single?

These are the questions I've been asking myself the past few months. I don't know what will happen to me in the next days, weeks, years. The only thing I know now is that it's about time to give myself priority... A chance for self-worth and self-importance. I choose me. I may be late on everything but I just tap myself on my shoulder and say "Buhay ka pa. Go lang ng go."

If you've been reading my entries, then you already know that I'm really not good with lists. Nevertheless, I made one recently and it consists of all the activities I've been meaning to do. I figured that since I have more time now, it'd be a great idea to finally do all those things one by one alone or with friends. Not that my previous relationship was a hindrance, it's really not that. I don't know exactly why I never pushed those plans or why I keep postponing it. It's not like it included Skydiving, or travelling overseas, or other extravagant ideas one would usually include on a bucket list. Mine were as simple as enjoying the cold breeze of Baguio alone or just sit by the seaside with friends talking about anything and everything.

It's been just days since my breakup and I'm trying to figure out myself. The post-breakup version of me, rather. I feel lost and I know that this is normal. I know that this is just a phase. I know that this too shall pass. I know. I just know.

I am thirty and I am single. yikes.