placebo, maybe

Maybe if I condition my mind that everything will be well, maybe everything will be well... eventually, at the very least. Maybe if I keep myself busy enough with work, with friends, and other stuff, then maybe my quest to getting my mind off things will be a success. Maybe if I channel all the pain and all the hurt to dancing, then maybe I will be able to create better pieces. Maybe if I stop thinking about everything, maybe I will be able to forget everything. Maybe if I stop asking questions, then maybe I will eventually tire of seeking for answers. Maybe if I start feeling okay, then maybe I will be okay. Maybe if I shift my focus to what's ahead then maybe, just maybe, I will be able to keep everything behind.

You and I: Of reel and real life

You’re the only person who knows how much I cried when I  watched Miracle in Cell no. 7. You’re the only person who would understand why I never wanted to see this movie again. You were there beside me. You were there hugging me as my heart kept breaking in every scene of the movie. You saw how swollen my eyes were after watching. With my nose so pink and my hair so messy, you said I looked like a kid who lost her candies. Maybe I was because I had no idea a movie can leave you crying even after all its credits have finished rolling up. I was devastated.

And maybe, I was that movie to you. I’m that beautiful movie that you will never forget for the very reason that watching it once is already enough. I am that good movie that you will refuse to see again no matter how good it was because it broke you so bad that the idea of watching it again was not something you would want to do. Because watching it again would mean feeling everything including the pain it once brought you and it's not something you're prepared to experience all over again.

Whilst to me, you will always be the City of Angels -a movie that will always be dear to me. A movie that still leaves me in awe even though I've watched it over and over again. A movie that taught me and all others out there that if sacrificing everything would mean that you’ll get to hold and feel and be with that one person that you love, even just for a moment, then it will always be worth it.

This may be the end of it all - the end of us. But please know that I will always be thankful that I met you. I will always be thankful that we happened. I will always be thankful for all the lessons I've learned during my life with you. I will always be thankful.

We may not have been able to get the ending we hoped and worked for for eight years but maybe this is the ending God has intended for us. 

Thank you. Sorry.

I love you. Goodbye.

midnight feels

There are still some days when I wake up to the feeling of brokenness and sadness. During these days, I automatically give in to the sad thoughts that seemed to have found its way to the surface during my sleep. During these days, I still harbor the same questions that I asked myself back when you told me to fight for you.

There are days when I just want to stop thinking about you, to just give up loving you, and to stop waiting... But I guess it is true what they said that the heart wants what it wants. This heart wants what it wants and this heart still wants you. And as much as I no longer want to hope, a part of me is still holding on to the slight piece of thought that maybe, just maybe, yours still wants me too.

Right now, I just try to get my mind off things by spending time with friends, writing, reading, doodling, dancing, archery, binge-watching TVD on Netflix, and a whole lot of other activities. I hope that the fact that I have not been crying as often as I do before is an indication that what I am doing is effective. I cannot be more thankful for having such great friends who make me feel loved and cared for. I am thankful that God has surrounded me with people and opportunities that reminds me of His love and presence. Because of all these, my purple heart still manages to smile. I may have lost you but I still have lots of reasons to smile and to be thankful for.

If there's anything good that came out of this fiasco, it's the fact that my relationship with God has grown significantly stronger. It is His words and my prayers that are really helping me through everything. Through the power of prayers, I believe that, little by little, I am getting better despite the occasional bad days. There are less sleepless nights and less tears. I am also slowly getting my appetite back and even though it would mean gaining all the weight I've lost, I think that's still good.

My faith is bigger and stronger than my pain. With God by my side, there is nothing that I won't be able to face. I am saved.

An excerpt

“...I know I keep overthinking and I hope one day I’ll learn to silence all these thoughts or to at least learn to live with it. And as much as I want to believe otherwise, I know I deserve all these after all the poor decisions I’ve made in the past that brought us to where we are right now. The only consolation I have is that maybe, just maybe, through my pain and suffering, you will eventually forgive me. Maybe if I suffer long enough and hard enough, I will be able to forgive myself for everything.

How I wish these words are enough to make you see the truth in my heart – that I have loved you and have not stopped loving you since the very start. Because if words are enough, then I will never stop writing about how much I want you to come back to me. I will never tire of writing how much I love you. I will never stop writing until you find your way back to me. I will never stop writing the same way that I will never stop loving you.”

how to fxn?

I still have few more hours to go before I go back to work but I am already constantly bombarded with questions inside my head on whether or not I can function normally later. The truth is, I have no choice. I have to work. I have to get things done in spite of my emotional state. I am expected to do what I will be told to do. I have no choice.

So tonight, I am praying for focus and clarity of mind. So help me God.

looking forward to better days

For the first time since everything started, I feel better. My quick visit at Pink Sisters helped a lot. It was suddenly easier to let go of the things that I cannot control. I'm beginning to do it, little by little. Hopefully, the next days will be better. Hopefully, I will continue feeling better.

Oh, the magic of prayers. I am thankful.

just about everything that matters #atm

The past days have been extremely hard for a lot of reasons and right now, I just want this all to end. I can't wait to see the light at the end of the tunnel even if it ends up blinding me. I just can't wait to finally know which direction to take after everything. Right now, all I hold on to are prayers and the emotional support I get from the few friends who I entrusted my side of the story with. Somehow, these have been enough to keep me going and to keep me sane.

Despite of it all, I am thankful for the true and new friends that I have right now. On top of everything, I am thankful that God seems to be hearing me out for real.

Expect the worst. Hope for the best.
Right.

- 30 -

PLEASE

Previous post was a jinx

It's only been three days but I can't take it anymore. I wake up everyday and slowly die in pain.  How many more days will there be? I don't think I'm strong enough for this.

I. NEED. HELP.

Steady

If you know me well enough, then you can tell by the fact that my last entry here was more or less four months ago means that I'm pretty much on a good emotional state these past few months. Yay for small wins!

Anyway, I mentioned to a friend that I only blog when I'm going through something because this proves to be one of if not the most effective outlets there is, at least for me. He told me I should also write when I'm happy and it kinda made me rethink how I utilize this blog. Not that there's anything wrong with the way I'm using this... It's not like there's an un/written rule on the things that you should and should not write about online. It's just that, a little change won't hurt at all and sometimes, a little change is all we need to keep us from boredom and monotony.

So, in the next few entries, I'll try to talk about how my life is going. Just the general less-drama and less-annoying parts of it. I may also begin putting some photos here too.

Wish me luck, please?

Monday morning thoughts

Sometimes, we want someone or something so much that all our idle times are spent thinking about it. You want it enough to literally dream about it and to daydream about how good it can possibly be to have it, to hold it, to feel it, and to actually have a right over it. But most of the time, you want it so bad, so bad that the thought and the possibility of having it can also actually scare you as much as it can make you occasionally feel giddy inside.

A Month of Celebration

March is my birth month and it's also coincidentally, International Women's month. Hence, I'd like to celebrate not just because of my birthday but also because I am at a point of my life where I am bombarded with moments of epiphany and empowerment.

So for this year's Marsobente (my birthday), I want to celebrate my life. I want to celebrate everything I've been through that made me the person that I am right now. I want to celebrate all the things - good or bad, that happened to me. I want to celebrate all the lessons I learned from all the pains and joys that I experienced along the way.

I want to celebrate all the great friends I had and still have. I want to celebrate the new people I met, the ones I crossed paths with again, and the ones I am yet to meet. I want to celebrate the people who lifted me up only to slam me down real hard. I want to celebrate the few genuine people I connected with very easily and very well. I want to celebrate the good men who liked me for who I am but I unfortunately didn't see as someone that can be more than a friend. I want to celebrate the men who made me feel that I wasn't enough and that I am nothing special. I want to celebrate the men who led me on and disappeared on me. I want to celebrate the men I wanted and admired but didn't feel the same way towards me. I want to celebrate the men who backed off because they couldn't handle my strong personality. I want to celebrate the people I hurt unintentionally . I want to celebrate the friends who became my support group during the times that I was at my weakest. I want to celebrate the new friends that I made and the old friends I reconnected with. I also want to celebrate those who were quick to judge me without bothering to ask me for an explanation and ironically still call me their "friend". I want to celebrate the friends who weren't happy for me when great things were finally happening in my life, especially on my career. I want to celebrate the friends who found it satisfying to talk about me behind my back. I want to celebrate the friends who were true and honest to me when it was easier to be otherwise.

I want to celebrate my pain. I want to celebrate the confusion and the uncertainties. I want to celebrate the frustrations and the disappointments. I want to celebrate my broken pieces and what's left of my beating heart. I want to celebrate the doubts, the lies, and the broken trust. I want to celebrate the emotional stress, the tears that I cried, and the sleepless nights. I want to celebrate the moments of realization. I want to celebrate the fact that I was not deserving of the bullshits that people threw my way. I want to celebrate the strength that I didn't know I have that helped me move forward in life. I want to celebrate the blessings that kept pouring in. I want to celebrate all the love that was given to me especially during those times that I was prolly the hardest person to love. I want to celebrate the people who took time to listen and those who had a heart to understand. I want to celebrate the new great things and people in my life. I want to celebrate the new friendships I found and the connections I built. I want to celebrate the ups after all the downs. I want to celebrate the rainbows after the storm that signified that there is still hope. I want to celebrate all the good and kind words that were told to me although until now, I still find it hard to believe.

Most of all, I want to celebrate the new me - the stronger, the wiser, and empowered version of myself. I want to celebrate the person that I have become as a result of all the good and bad things that happened in the past months.

I want to celebrate because my life, no matter how screwed up it is, is worth celebrating. I want to celebrate because I deserve this.

Cold.

Whatever happened to me, I don't know. I used to be so sweet, so positive, so full of life. I don't know how and when I turned cold. Yes, I would always laugh especially when I'm with friends, crack jokes, and share funny stories to them but deep inside, I'm this tearless, cold-hearted bitch.

Last night, I randomly messaged some friends on FB, about 10 or more, just to ask them a super random question which based on their reactions, caught them off guard. I asked them what makes them feel alive. It's actually quite interesting to receive similar reactions from different people. Some of them didn't seem to have any difficulty in answering the question. There were also some who needed time to think about it and still haven't given any answer until now. The rest took about five minutes or so. Luckily, only three of them asked me back the same question.

My answer was I don't know. I am like a lost girl just floating to wherever life takes me. Prolly worse. While others answered pain, struggles, and challenges, a part of me heartbrokenly wished I could say the same things.

I’m at a loss. I really am...  beyond words, beyond comprehension. And how I wish someone would see through me and that person will  know the right words to say. That person will know what to do with me.

God, help me. Please.

untitled

It's not that I cannot function today. It's more like, I refused to function today.

January has been really confusing  and it's all my fault. Now I'm at a loss. I've made more damage than good for myself and for the people around me.

God, help me. What do I do?