*sigh

i'm so depressed today. another one from my cousins got pregnant. and what's worse, she's still very young... she's just 17 years old. i don't know what to react or even how because she's like a sister to me already.

not a good day after all.

my effin' birthday

Let's get this straight to the point. Fine. My birthday sucked. I didn't even feel that this was my day. It's sad to say but I honestly think I've had better ordinary days than this one. I won't pretend that I'm okay because clearly, I'm not. This day was really, really depressing.

I didn't hear anything from those who I thought won't forget my birthday. Maybe partly it's also my fault because I expected. But don't I have a right or a basis, at least.. I mean, I've been friends with those people since elementary and they've always remembered. Worse, there were some of my close friends who texted me some quotes and asked about some other things. I was hoping that they'd remember but they didn't.

My birthday sucked big time.
There was no happy birthday for me this year.

..on pain and rage

Right now, I could only think of one way to get even with those people who continue to hurt my family. I can't help but see injustice in all that is happening right now. For all the things they've said to my mom... the harsh things she heard from them.. though I was taught by my parents to always respect a person no matter what, I still can't help but to feel hate, anger, and rage towards them.

Seeing those tears from my mom's eyes, grrrrrrrrr.... every time... every f*cking time, I wish to take revenge. But my mom would just say, "Hayaan mo sila. Wala na tayong magagawa dun."

My mom choose to keep silent. All she will do is cry and then that's it. I don't know how she manages to ignore all these and how she can just let things go and not fight for her self. How I wish I can be like her. I wish I can be as peaceful as her.

Okay na lang. Maniwala na lang tayo sa karma. Si God na ang bahala.

pebrero sais.

Yesterday was a chaotic day that looked initially boring. It wasn't that interesting either. In fact, I didn't really like how it went... at all. I attended the mass and had my forehead marked with ash. Only to accidentally wash it away coz my face feels so oily right after I went home. That was it for the ash wednesday thingy. As for the Chinese New Year, oh, it was a total bore. Remember I mentioned that I'm sure we'd be doing the default (the paisin)? I was right and that was all we did. The oldies (my mom and her brothers and sisters including poh-poh, my lola) need to go somewhere in San Juan to visit our full-blood Chinese relatives. So even though we opt to celebrate, the celebration was not until today, which was great enough to ruin my schedule. I was pissed but I managed to somehow keep my cool.

So there I said it that my schedule was ruined, right? Things sucked enough to also ruin our 50th Golden Monthsary. Remember, the supposedly "one of the most memorable celebrations' that we'll have? It was indeed memorable. Because it was yesterday that we had our biggest fight. It was really intense. We were able to patch things up moments after, though. Point is, things have already been said and we already hurt each others feelings, BIG TIME. The day wasn't a bore after all and it wasn't good either.

Once again, everything was messed up. Sad to say but that was the highlight of my Feb 6.

:(

i had a really, really terrible day. it was soooo bad that i can't even begin to write about it. so i guess i'll just pass on this one. this sucks.

Unposted Blog

Here's an unposted blog. I saved this in my Multiply Account. I just wanted to write about this that time. This was dated September 9. If this someone gets to read this, perhaps, she will know that this is for her.

You didn't let me in. I just wish you did. I wanted to understand you, I wanted to be there for you, I wanted to be one of the people you turn to when you're in trouble. I wanted to be a friend but you didn't let me. You didn't let me in your world.. in your life. I don't know why.

It's just so frustrating to see new people get close to you easily because I've tried to do the same for years but nothing seemed to work. Maybe we really are better off this way. acquaintances and never friends.. sad. It probably is too late now anyway because issues keep popping between us. The gap is bigger. And pretty soon, I'll be going away. It just breaks my heart to feel that the existence of friendship between us has moved closer to impossibility.. and even though I would like to explain myself or my side to you, I don't know how.

I really do not know you. I never knew the real you because I never had the chance. I wish I did, though. You can believe everything I've written here or not. It's really up to you. Maybe this will be another issue between us... something you and your real friends will talk about. Maybe you'll think I'm not sincere or maybe you will see through my words.. I don't know. How am I supposed to know, right? I never got to know you.

I don't know if it will happen anymore. I don't know if you'll ever see me as a friend. For now, I choose to give up. People get tired you know. And I guess I ran out of ways to try being a friend to you. I lost hope. Maybe we've been trying so hard.

It took me years to realize that civil is all that we will ever be. Little more, little less. I don't know if you ever saw me as a friend or ever considered me as one. I wanted to ask you this question for so long but I didn't because I'm scared to know the answer. Believe me or not, being unwanted as a friend is just enough to break my heart. Maybe, this question is better left unanswered for now. Maybe the answers will unfold on it's own. Time will probably tell.

So before I end this, I want to say thank you and I'm sorry. I know you're not the only one who's been hurting and trying. And maybe you don't want it to be this way either but perhaps, it's for the best. Who knows in the future, our paths may cross again and maybe when that time comes, we can have a fresh start. I'd really love that.

Zen

pardon me.

I know I said that I already said goodbye to depression. But here I go again... depressed but for an entirely different reason.

I just don't know how to deal with this one. I am not fond of dealing with situations about past happenings coming back especially when I was already able to let the situation go. But now, it did. It happened over a year ago and it was really, really painful. It took me months to recover from that. Suddenly, last night it all came coming back to me... the pain, the happiness, the excitement, the fear, everything.

All I know is that I want to get it back. I want to get what's really mine. I'd do anything to get it back. I have all the right to, after all that I've gone through. God made this happen for a reason and maybe, He wants me to get it back. Maybe it's meant to come back to me. Oh God please.

I want to take this one step at a time. I want this to be well-thought. I don't want to give in to my impulses. I cannot afford to lose this chance of getting it back. This might be my last chance.

God help me. PLEASE.

Broken.

T.E.A.R.

Pilot Post

MOOD: Depressed =(

What a pretty topic to write about in my pilot post.


Anyway, this is my first post ever in this blog account. I'll be honest. The only thing that drove me to create this account is the recent-not-so-pleasant things that has been happening lately in my life. I felt like I needed an outlet. Something fresh and something that's just for writing. Something where I can pour my heart out. Something like this.

I got myself an evidence in form of an experience that it's really true that once you love someone, may he/she be your potential lover, a lover, an ex, et cetera-[whateva], you automatically give that person the power to break your heart. I thought that that was just a freaking cliche but hey, I realized after a from-midnight-till-morning moments of thinking and contemplating that this has been happening to me right before my very eyes... every now and then.

But now the bigger question occurred to me? Why did it take me this long to finally notice that a lot of people [aside from my lover] have broken and is breaking my little heart really badly? Maybe because I compartmentalized my mind and actually separated the thought of how it is to be hurt by a lover and to be hurt by the other thinking that it's never the same when in fact, it is. Sheer Stupidity. How can it be so different when it both hurts? Late realizations.

[an operational definition: non-lover here refers to people in my life who I didn't share any romantic relationships and romantic feelings with... so that includes my friends and my family.]

Gaaad. There, I finally figured it out. I categorized the people in my life into two - the lover and the non-lover. So whenever I get hurt by my friends, I have a way of dismissing the depression by actually thinking that it's not as big a deal as the other. But hey, I still can recall a number of moments in my life where I got hurt by my friends. I probably had my mind set to the fact [that i wrongly believed in for years, d*mn] that the pain caused by a lover will always hurt more. Maybe subconsciously, I tell myself "Hey shut the tears. It's a good thing it's just your friends who hurt you and not your lover. Otherwise, the pain could have gotten worse." Some kind of a "sick" defense mechanism.

I'm totally losing my mind. Can you imagine me? Typing each word with the pressure from my fingers getting stronger by the second.. [exaggeration but figuratively meant] I can break my keyboard if I want to, without much physical effort, just the emotional ones. Screw this.

Thing is, all those years that I believed such an incorrect fact [oh yes the irony, bravo *sarcastic] - by fact, I meant the things I believed in with the assumption that it was most of the time, correct. Pardon the insertions of side comments. I have this tendency whenever I freak out because my mind gets cluttered with so many thoughts. My mind tends to actively multi-task, trying to process each thought all at once. crazeeeeeeee.

As I was saying, all those years that i embraced that [you should know already what I'm referring to, here I go again. pffft] belief, I was also being hurt by my past lovers. In a nutshell, the lover and the non-lover are hurting me side by side. So it got me to thinking that maybe, part of the pain whenever I cry over my ex-es are also because of my friends. Oh this is getting more complicated. Somehow, the pain caused by my friends were overshadowed by the pain caused by the other. Or so I thought?

But now, things have changed in my life. I have a lover who never hurts me intentionally. He cares for me and loves me like no other. The only thing he wants is to make me feel loved, happy and cared for. Mind you, he's really a good catch because he knows what he's doing and how he should do it [when it comes to loving]. So with that being said, I suppose you already have an idea on where this is going to. Yes, now unlike before, I rarely cry because of love - the romantic one. I rarely feel pain. I rarely feel mistreated. I am happily in love and loved.

Perhaps that's the biggest reason why I feel a lot of pain now that my friends - the non-lover, had hurt [and still hurting] my feelings; because there's no pain around anymore to overshadow the hurt caused by them, unlike before. My "sick" defense mechanism, which has been reliable for years, doesn't work anymore. I'm finally bitten by reality ; thus, the realization that it's about time to face what's real and what's here. That's why finally, I felt the pain as it went directly from them then straight to my heart. Ouch. What's sadder is that, NO ONE aside from my lover and my mother, knows what kind of tremendous pain I'm going through. No one but the three of us.


This is as real and as honest as it can get.