MOOD: Depressed =(
What a pretty topic to write about in my pilot post.
Anyway, this is my first post ever in this blog account. I'll be honest. The only thing that drove me to create this account is the recent-not-so-pleasant things that has been happening lately in my life. I felt like I needed an outlet. Something fresh and something that's just for writing. Something where I can pour my heart out. Something like this.
I got myself an evidence in form of an experience that it's really true that once you love someone, may he/she be your potential lover, a lover, an ex, et cetera-[whateva], you automatically give that person the power to break your heart. I thought that that was just a freaking cliche but hey, I realized after a from-midnight-till-morning moments of thinking and contemplating that this has been happening to me right before my very eyes... every now and then.
But now the bigger question occurred to me? Why did it take me this long to finally notice that a lot of people [aside from my lover] have broken and is breaking my little heart really badly? Maybe because I compartmentalized my mind and actually separated the thought of how it is to be hurt by a lover and to be hurt by the other thinking that it's never the same when in fact, it is. Sheer Stupidity. How can it be so different when it both hurts? Late realizations.
[an operational definition: non-lover here refers to people in my life who I didn't share any romantic relationships and romantic feelings with... so that includes my friends and my family.]
Gaaad. There, I finally figured it out. I categorized the people in my life into two - the lover and the non-lover. So whenever I get hurt by my friends, I have a way of dismissing the depression by actually thinking that it's not as big a deal as the other. But hey, I still can recall a number of moments in my life where I got hurt by my friends. I probably had my mind set to the fact [that i wrongly believed in for years, d*mn] that the pain caused by a lover will always hurt more. Maybe subconsciously, I tell myself "Hey shut the tears. It's a good thing it's just your friends who hurt you and not your lover. Otherwise, the pain could have gotten worse." Some kind of a "sick" defense mechanism.
I'm totally losing my mind. Can you imagine me? Typing each word with the pressure from my fingers getting stronger by the second.. [exaggeration but figuratively meant] I can break my keyboard if I want to, without much physical effort, just the emotional ones. Screw this.
Thing is, all those years that I believed such an incorrect fact [oh yes the irony, bravo *sarcastic] - by fact, I meant the things I believed in with the assumption that it was most of the time, correct. Pardon the insertions of side comments. I have this tendency whenever I freak out because my mind gets cluttered with so many thoughts. My mind tends to actively multi-task, trying to process each thought all at once. crazeeeeeeee.
As I was saying, all those years that i embraced that [you should know already what I'm referring to, here I go again. pffft] belief, I was also being hurt by my past lovers. In a nutshell, the lover and the non-lover are hurting me side by side. So it got me to thinking that maybe, part of the pain whenever I cry over my ex-es are also because of my friends. Oh this is getting more complicated. Somehow, the pain caused by my friends were overshadowed by the pain caused by the other. Or so I thought?
But now, things have changed in my life. I have a lover who never hurts me intentionally. He cares for me and loves me like no other. The only thing he wants is to make me feel loved, happy and cared for. Mind you, he's really a good catch because he knows what he's doing and how he should do it [when it comes to loving]. So with that being said, I suppose you already have an idea on where this is going to. Yes, now unlike before, I rarely cry because of love - the romantic one. I rarely feel pain. I rarely feel mistreated. I am happily in love and loved.
Perhaps that's the biggest reason why I feel a lot of pain now that my friends - the non-lover, had hurt [and still hurting] my feelings; because there's no pain around anymore to overshadow the hurt caused by them, unlike before. My "sick" defense mechanism, which has been reliable for years, doesn't work anymore. I'm finally bitten by reality ; thus, the realization that it's about time to face what's real and what's here. That's why finally, I felt the pain as it went directly from them then straight to my heart. Ouch. What's sadder is that, NO ONE aside from my lover and my mother, knows what kind of tremendous pain I'm going through. No one but the three of us.
This is as real and as honest as it can get.
What a pretty topic to write about in my pilot post.
Anyway, this is my first post ever in this blog account. I'll be honest. The only thing that drove me to create this account is the recent-not-so-pleasant things that has been happening lately in my life. I felt like I needed an outlet. Something fresh and something that's just for writing. Something where I can pour my heart out. Something like this.
I got myself an evidence in form of an experience that it's really true that once you love someone, may he/she be your potential lover, a lover, an ex, et cetera-[whateva], you automatically give that person the power to break your heart. I thought that that was just a freaking cliche but hey, I realized after a from-midnight-till-morning moments of thinking and contemplating that this has been happening to me right before my very eyes... every now and then.
But now the bigger question occurred to me? Why did it take me this long to finally notice that a lot of people [aside from my lover] have broken and is breaking my little heart really badly? Maybe because I compartmentalized my mind and actually separated the thought of how it is to be hurt by a lover and to be hurt by the other thinking that it's never the same when in fact, it is. Sheer Stupidity. How can it be so different when it both hurts? Late realizations.
[an operational definition: non-lover here refers to people in my life who I didn't share any romantic relationships and romantic feelings with... so that includes my friends and my family.]
Gaaad. There, I finally figured it out. I categorized the people in my life into two - the lover and the non-lover. So whenever I get hurt by my friends, I have a way of dismissing the depression by actually thinking that it's not as big a deal as the other. But hey, I still can recall a number of moments in my life where I got hurt by my friends. I probably had my mind set to the fact [that i wrongly believed in for years, d*mn] that the pain caused by a lover will always hurt more. Maybe subconsciously, I tell myself "Hey shut the tears. It's a good thing it's just your friends who hurt you and not your lover. Otherwise, the pain could have gotten worse." Some kind of a "sick" defense mechanism.
I'm totally losing my mind. Can you imagine me? Typing each word with the pressure from my fingers getting stronger by the second.. [exaggeration but figuratively meant] I can break my keyboard if I want to, without much physical effort, just the emotional ones. Screw this.
Thing is, all those years that I believed such an incorrect fact [oh yes the irony, bravo *sarcastic] - by fact, I meant the things I believed in with the assumption that it was most of the time, correct. Pardon the insertions of side comments. I have this tendency whenever I freak out because my mind gets cluttered with so many thoughts. My mind tends to actively multi-task, trying to process each thought all at once. crazeeeeeeee.
As I was saying, all those years that i embraced that [you should know already what I'm referring to, here I go again. pffft] belief, I was also being hurt by my past lovers. In a nutshell, the lover and the non-lover are hurting me side by side. So it got me to thinking that maybe, part of the pain whenever I cry over my ex-es are also because of my friends. Oh this is getting more complicated. Somehow, the pain caused by my friends were overshadowed by the pain caused by the other. Or so I thought?
But now, things have changed in my life. I have a lover who never hurts me intentionally. He cares for me and loves me like no other. The only thing he wants is to make me feel loved, happy and cared for. Mind you, he's really a good catch because he knows what he's doing and how he should do it [when it comes to loving]. So with that being said, I suppose you already have an idea on where this is going to. Yes, now unlike before, I rarely cry because of love - the romantic one. I rarely feel pain. I rarely feel mistreated. I am happily in love and loved.
Perhaps that's the biggest reason why I feel a lot of pain now that my friends - the non-lover, had hurt [and still hurting] my feelings; because there's no pain around anymore to overshadow the hurt caused by them, unlike before. My "sick" defense mechanism, which has been reliable for years, doesn't work anymore. I'm finally bitten by reality ; thus, the realization that it's about time to face what's real and what's here. That's why finally, I felt the pain as it went directly from them then straight to my heart. Ouch. What's sadder is that, NO ONE aside from my lover and my mother, knows what kind of tremendous pain I'm going through. No one but the three of us.
This is as real and as honest as it can get.
1 comment:
Hi there! Hope you be okay soon...
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