an insecurity attack

Is it weird that from time to time, I need people or things to remind me that I am good enough? Or that I am actually good at something? Is that alright? Constantly needing a validation about some things?

For the nth time, I feel insecure.
And I hate it every time this happens.
I HATE IT!

my books said they miss me already.

Alright, I admit that I have been spending almost all of my free time vegetating in front of the computer. Thus, I no longer have the time to do the things that I usually love to do, like reading. When was the last time I bought a book or even a magazine? I can't even remember when was the last time I actually spent enough time to read a newspaper from cover to cover. I really can't remember. i guess, that's how long it was. It's so not me. I can almost qualify in being called a bookworm because I used to love reading so much. I used to have sleepless nights because I can't put my books down. That's how addicted I was to reading. But some things really do change I guess. I changed.

I know it sounds stupid but I feel guilty everytime I look at my books. It's as if, "Wala na akong mukhang maihaharap sa kanila." If they can talk, they would probably say they have been feeling ultimately jealous of my computer. Haha. That's why, I want to try to revert to my old ways - spending more time with my books and less time with my computer.

Kaya ko kaya?
Separation anxiety, please don't get in my way.

Dreams.

What's with today? Is today "weird dreams" day?

For some unknown reason, I woke up an hour earlier than my alarm clock. As in, I went off the bed and opened the door, walked out of my room and called for my mom. I just kept saying, "Ma? Mama? Ma?" in a searching tone.

I really have no idea why I did that. It was the first thing that popped in my mind and I don't know why. I am not like that. I mean, I don't just do such things unless I feel scared or worried. That's why I find it so weird. I am neither worried nor scared. It left me feeling uber weird and uncomfy the rest of the morning.

Perhaps it really wasn't supposed to mean anything.
But I feel like it meant something.

Or maybe I miss my mom.
We haven't been able to talk like before the past few weeks.

On a less weirder note, Erik and I had the same dream TODAY. We both had a dream that he was already home and that we went to the beach. I don't know what it's supposed to mean, having the same dream and being together in THAT dream but I really do think it means something. It's actually sweet and I felt really good. Maybe we just miss each other so much. Mushy as it may sound but perhaps, our love has found a way for us to spend the summer together. Sounds impossible but who knows I might actually be right, right?

Maybe, these dreams are my unique, subconscious way of coping with the changes that has occurred recently in my life - Erik leaving for Saudi and Mom getting busy with the family business. They are the two people that I hold closest in my heart and I miss them...

EVERYDAY.

another ME-day = )

Spent the whole day at home. Woke up at early noon and ate lunch alone. After lunch, I took a bath then started my so-called ME-time. I ate a lot. I watched two movies. I was practically like a bum. I feel so relaxed.

I watched two movies, 27 Dresses and the American version of My Sassy Girl. It both told a fun and great love story but it left me depressed. It both had a happy ending but I was in tears all along, even in those parts where the couple's having the time of their lives just before the part where the conflict's gonna happen. I was crying real tears. I was in tears in most parts of the movie because it reminded me of how Erik and I was before he left for KSA. The movies just made me miss him even more.

And because the movies made me cry, I think I am entitled to my own revenge. haha! Here are some comments. No offense meant to those who thought otherwise.

27 Dresses has a great story but the casting's not that good. Katherine Heigl's way too pretty for James Marsden. Thank God they were both good. So I guess it's safe to say that their talents made up for the fact that they did not look really good together in the movie. But of course, that's not the reason why I cried over this. =P

On the other hand, My Sassy Girl (American version) has a good story too. And oh I loved the part where the old man told Elisha Cuthbert what Destiny means. "Destiny is the bridge you make to the one you love." Just perfect. I just wasn't exactly blown away by how the movie was, especially the parts where Jesse Bradford's reading the stories Elisha wrote. It was only because of the story that I got carried away towards the end.

On a less non-sensical note, it was a great decision to just stay at home because of the rain. And it's so nice to spend time alone, as always. However, my day may seem long but still felt bitin! I want more ME-time. More. More. More.

Here I go again, always asking for more. :D

LSS: Pandora's Box

A friend introduced me this song. It's a great song just don't include its message. It's a sad song. With how the singer sang it and the melody, even if you are not or have not been in that kind of situation, you'll feel it. You'll experience the emo-ness of the song. There's just too much emotion in its lyrics and melody. It made me wonder what kind of experience did the song writer have to be able to come up with this.

Pandoras Box - Lil Eddie

It was a wrap.

Yesterday was a tiring yet super fun day. The shoot was a wrap and we all looked hot and fierce! Wooooh! We were all just laughing and taking pictures! There were, literally, flashes everywhere. We were like an "artista" for a day. Haha!

We all had to do a freestyle. Well, I'm not sure exactly how I did but I'll bet I looked stupid. So what? It was still fun. I had fun. It was like we were just bonding and not doing something serious like our portfolio, perhaps. :D

Yesterday was by far, the coolest day i've had with the girls.

WE ARE THE MUSIQALITY.
http://musiqality.multiply.com

Unprepared.

So today is 'the' day. We will push through with our photo/video shoot as planned.
I slept at 3:30am just thinking of what to wear. I need two sets of costumes,
one's hiphop and the other one should tell something about our occupation.
I'm confident about my hiphop attire. Just don't ask me about the other one.
Kung pwede lang magdala ng kuntador e! Haha!

Where are the creative juices when you actually need them?
SABAW.

PS. I dreamt I was back to school and that my team leader and her assistant are the professors!
Hmmm.. it got me thinking. What if... :)

One hell of a post-script, watch out. CRANK!

It's funny how I still need to re-visit my older entries just to be reminded that there are other things in my life that are more deserving of my time than to use it in thinking about the past. The past is something that cannot be undone. It's something that we cannot take back. But it's something that we can correct once we've learned our lesson, watchutink? See, I'm still not sure if I already learned mine but if faced with a similar situation, I think I'll be handling things way better than before. So is that a yes? I hope so.

On a lighter note, I am beginning to hate this. Been spending too much time at my brother's room because I'm using his computer. I'm beginning to think I made a mistake of sacrificing my computer in exchange of some extra space in my room. Fyi, the room's already done! Maybe I should really stick to my other plan - the "gastos-nanaman-plan". Maybe I really should grab that netbook I saw in the mall a few days ago. But I already fixed my budget and pronounced it as THE budget already just few days before I saw the netbook, darn it. Alms... alms... alms... anyone?

PS. John Statham is soooo hot! Tsss!

Rainy Days of Summer.

I'm surprisingly loving it. Siguro kasi wala akong lakad na naapektuhan ng ulan. Wala akong plans na naaabala dahil sa drastic change ng weather. Loser lang. Buti na lang may company outing, at least may 2 sure na outing na ako this summer, haha. Also, I'm loving it dahil konti ang customers sa office. Haha. Oh and because I can now use my cutesy comforter! Oha!

Bakit nga ba biglang naging maulan?
May bagyo ba? :)

It hurts. Yes, it still does.

My friend once wrote an entry on her page about her past, regrets, and bitterness. I remember commenting in her entry because I loved the last line. She wrote, "I am forgiven." It's a huge thing to do... Forgiving yourself for all the things that you wish didn't happen, for all the things you wish you didn't do, for all the things you wish you did but didn't, for all the things that happened that you wish you could take back but cannot. I wish I can say that line too. I wish I can write that here too.

Everytime I look back, there's still that definite pain in remembering everything. As much as I wanna let go of it, I cannot.

How are we supposed to forgive ourselves?
Teach me.

writer's block. for the nth time.

I usually experience that when I feel "that" urge to write about stuff. It's not the typical writer's block, you know. I just can't decide which idea will come first. So I always end up writing something like this... an insignificant explanation of why I am not writing anything when there's so many things to write about.

I always pick up from this. This has always been effective.
Let's see.

"Pagod" is an understatement.

Training resumed today. Ja decided to take everything on a higher level... for almost an hour, all we did was stretching and conditioning. We were already very warmed up by the time Kuya Rocky arrived. At first I thought it was just one of his random visits but it turned out he was going to teach us a "Bobby-Newberry-Like-Choreo" pala for the shoot. I looked ridiculous, btw & fyi. Jusko, mas seksi pa gumalaw si Kuya Rocky kesa sakin. Anyway, it was just a couple of 8's but I really felt exhausted. Prolly coz this is something new to me... the conditioning, stretching, and the choreography. Yikes! I really have to practice, plus Kuya Rocky also gave us an assignment. Wooh, wish me luck coz i badly need it.

PS. I almost starved myself to death at work today.
Screw the internet connection at K.S.A. Boo!

moving according to plan =)

I planned on cutting my nails last week and yesterday, I did it. It is now back to its 'pudpod' look. Idk. I missed it. Its been like over a year since the last time I've had it short. And I feel like I want something new. Well, it's not new-new reallybut it gave me the similar feeling so I just settled on that.

Also, I had my hair trimmed yesterday but it's weird coz I think it looked longer instead. haha. Nevertheless, I'm happy coz I was finally able to spend my day as planned. Now that's another one. Cheers!

It was more of a miracle that I woke up feeling not too lazy to go somewhere kinda far like Trinoma. It's just 40 to 45 minutes away though (thanks to NLEX). Usually, I plan on going out to spend some ME-time at some place like Trinoma, Shang, or GB but because of laziness, will end up at some place 15 minutes away from home like SM. So yesterday was outstanding just because of that.

My day went as planned. I was able to cross out lots of things from my "to buy" list. So the 92% has now become 97%. Weeee! The last piece that will turn my room makeover to a room madeover is the dresser. I thought of buying it at OurHome but gaaaaad, it's too expensive. Plus, I didn't find anything close enough to how I want my dresser to be. I want something not spacious, without a mirror, and functional in terms of the drawers and storage. Since I've gone tired of storehopping and mall hopping in search for the perfect dresser, I decided to just draw the design and find someone who can create magic and turn the drawing into something really tangible. It'll be less expensive and best of all, it's customized. I just have to wait until the weekend for the construction. I didn't really want to wait anymore but hey, patience is a virtue.

The carpenter better be good; otherwise, I'll be doomed! :p

Chumichill lang.

1. Do you think you can get through this without answering "I don't know"?
-- Lemme try that.

2. Are you involved with anyone?
-- Super much!

3. Where do you wish you were right now?
-- Saudi. Cooking dinner for Erik ♥

4. What should you be doing right now?
-- Planning.

5. Does sex means love?
-- It does for some. Including me! =)

6. What do you believe is a true saying about life?
-- You'll never get out of it alive.

7. Are you a bad influence?
-- I think so, minsan. Hahaha. Oh c'mon... we all are, at some point.

8. Who has had the most influence on you (good)?
-- My part-time mongoloid, full-time lovable boyfriend and My retarded friends.

9. night out or night in?
-- I'm more of the "night in" type but to be a "night out" type sometimes is fun also!

10. single forever with a great family or no family and your soul mate?
-- I'd initially choose the single forever life but eventually, will be tired of resisting the latter. =D

11. what is your favorite game?
-- Life. And I see to it that I always play right. Kiddin'! Sa Monopoly lang at UNO masaya na ako.

12. Your favorite book?
-- I cried over Message In A Bottle!

13. do you know how to change a tire?
-- Yes, I do but I'm too tired for those kind of stuff. hihi.

14. What item could you not go without during the day?
-- My phone and my player.

15. Would you share a drink with a stranger?
-- No!

16. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital?
-- Hmmm.. si Gene ata.

18. Have you ever lied about something important to your ex boyfriend/girlfriend?
-- Yeah. Hehe.

19. Would you rather be in a permanent relationship or play the field?
-- I don't treat love as a game. So I'd go for someone who's a keeper.

20. When was the last time you hugged someone?
-- Feb 14. I hugged lotsa people in Elbi.

21. Do you think its right for straight guys to get their tongue pierced?
-- I'm not a fan of tongue piercing. I want someone neat!

22. Have you ever thrown shoes on a telephone wire?
-- No I haven't but I'm thinking about it. Haha.

23. Do you ever think about any of your ex's?
-- I'm too busy for that kind of thoughts.

25. Need to get something off your chest? Are you going to?
-- In God's time. =)

26. How do you feel about your life right now?
-- Depends on what aspect we're talking about here. =D

27. have you been pulled over by the police?
-- Not yet.

28. What kind of car do you drive?
-- Ang akala kong kasunod ng primera ay sekundarya. Now, do I sound like I drive? =D

29. What characteristic do you despise the most?
-- Hypocrisy.

30. Ever get so drunk you don't remember what you did?
-- Yeah! And oh I hated the hangover.

31. Have you ever been caught doing something you weren't supposed to?
-- Hahaha, yeah! The story was crazy but it was one hella experience.

32. How's the relationship between you and your ex?
-- Which ex? I am still friends with the most recent one. I have no contact with the one before that and etc. Haha.

33. Do you talk dirty to people?
-- No.

34. Do you think you can make it on a "Moment of Truth"?
-- Yeah, I think so.

35. Anyone upsets you lately?
-- Nah.

36. Last person you talked to on the phone?
-- Gene.

37. Can you easily tell if someone's fake?
-- Yes. It will show.

38. Do you think your dumb?
-- Sometimes.=D

40. What could be done to make things better for you?
-- Lose weight and some more Me-time!

41. Do you love someone at the moment?
-- Yes. Super much!

42. How's your heart?
-- Happy.

43. Ever kissed someone with a name starting with a C?
-- Not yet.

44. When was the first time you kissed the last person you kissed?
-- Haha, samin na lang un.

46. Are you happy with your living arrangement?
-- No. I miss him so bad.

47. Do you have trust issues?
-- No. Not anymore.

48. Is it easier to forgive or forget?
-- I forgive but I never forget. I am like that.

Feeling Nothing About Something

So today, everything was back to normal. I went back to work and my ME-time is already over. I don't know if this is normal but I don't feel happy nor excited. I feel nothing. I don't feel sad about going to work too. Weird. All I know is that I'm going to miss doing nothing. I wish there was more ME-time.

And oh by the way, Monday at work was not bad after all.

92%

Hephep? Hurray!!

Malapit na! Lapit na matapos ang aking room makeover - my post birthday gift to myself. :D Chyeah! I just have to buy a few more stuff then it's all set. Kung magagawa ko lahat ng plano ko for tomorrow, tomorrow night ay pwede na ako matulog sa room ko. Gusto ko kasi pag matulog ako dun, tapos na ung maekover. Made over na at hindi na makeover :D

Wish me luck!
Happy!

MMK: "Chalkdust" =P

Naalala ko lang bigla ang isang kahindik-hindik na pangyayari na naganap nung bata pa ako. Tandang tanda ko pa nun, 8 years olad ako, naglalaro kami ng pinsan ko ng dart. Shempre dahil bata batuta pa ako nun, sha ung nagdadart at ako naman ung taga-kuha ng dart. Akala ko ganun talaga konsepto ng larong un.. 2 players tapos yung isa ang titira at yung isa ang taga-kuha. Hehe. Sa isip-isip ko pa nun, ang cool ko naman kako kasi nakakalaro na ako ng mga ganung laro sa murang edad kong un. Yun naman pala, inuuto lang ako ng damuho kong pinsan. Bleh! So much for the intro.

So yun nga, ako ang taga-kuha. Tumutuntong ako sa isang upuan para maabot ung mga arrow. Hanggang sa may nangyaring hindi ko inaasahan. Nabitawan ko ung mga panira at ung isa, nalaglag sa paa ko. A view from the top... ehem, ehem... Ang dart piece o arrow o kung anuman ang tamang tawag dun ay nakatayo at nakatusok sa maliit kong paa. Huwaw! Ang morbid talaga. At ang pinsan kong damuho, hindi malaman ang gagawin. Nakatitig lang at mukhang na-amuse pa ata sa nakatusok sa paa ko. Hindi ko malaman nung mga panahon na un kung ano ang uunahin kong gawin... kung ang pagsigaw ba o ang pag-ngawa. Wut da... How do you expect an 8-year old girl to react?

Buti nalang nandun ang kapatid ng pinsan kong damuho. Sa madaling salita, pinsan ko rin. Nursing student pa lang sha nung mga panahong yun. Ang sabi ni pinsang nurse, "hingang malalim ha...". Paghinga ko, naramdaman ko na binunot nya ung nakatusok sa paa ko kaya nagulat ako. Sa halip na makapag-exhale ako ng matiwasay, nasamid ako. At kitang kita ko na habang umuubo ako, ay dugo naman ng dugo ang sugat ko. Maliit na butas pero dugo ng dugo. Hindi ko mapigil na hindi umubo kaya di rin basta mapahinto ang dugo. Shemes. Buti na lang ang pinsan kong nursing student ay alisto at hinablot ang basahan na pambura ng blackboard na pinagsusulatan ng score. Berigud lang diba. At least huminto ang pagdugo at sabihin na lang natin na swerte ako na hindi nagkaron ng anumang infection ung sugat kahit na nagmistulang Penicillin ang chalkdust sa sugat ko. Hehe.

At dyan po nagtatapos ang aking mumunting kwento.

Bow.

__________________________________________________

PS. di ko alam kung bakit pero bigla ko lang talagang naalala yan kanina.=P

Room Makeover, Almost Over

Yay... malapit-lapit na matapos yung room makeover ko. Inaayos ko na lang ung mga gamit and meron na lang mga dapat pang bilhin. My room makeover was supposed to be a birthday gift for myself kaya lang di na umabot. So post-birthday gift na lang. :D I'm really excited.

Magastos but it's all worth it.
Green. Purple. Brown.
Haylavet!!!
Wooh!

Alam mo ba...

Na ang first ever movie ni Richard Gomez ay Inday Bote? Together with Maricel Soriano. Yeah I bet you didn't kow that huh.

O diba, sinong makapagsasabing bored ako? Sige nga.

Hindi kaya ako bored. BORED NA BORED, boi. Shemes na yan!

BOOOOOOOO!!!

way too much.

I'm still wide awake, staring at a monitor that cannot talk to me. I used to like spending time alone but I sorta feel anxious right now. Prolly because I've been spending WAY TOO MUCH time alone lately (?). I don't know.

What's going on with me?

SOMETHING TO DO, finally.

Was talking to Janina awhile ago about our plans on the audition. She asked me if I could be the facilitator of the event and I said yes. So now, I finally have something to do that's worth all my time. Lotsa things to take into considerations, lotsa things to do, lotsa things to plan. I'm excited to be busy.

Bum no more.
Bow.

when people start changing...

Have been M-I-A for awhile here. Well, let's just say that I got a lot going on with my life - with my health to be exact. And because I missed blogging, I have been thinking of what to write about when I suddenly bumped on my 'cbox'. Then there I saw my superfriend's message about her new url. And from dramaqueen-andeng, it's now dreagazette. I just can't stop smiling after reading her message.. =)

Di ko pa sha nakakausap about this but based on her blog site, she's no longer a drama queen... I am just so happy for her because all those years, since I cannot even remember when, she has been carrying a lot in her heart. Finally, her heart gets to have some rest and peace from all the dramas and other excess bagaages she carried around all those years.


When people start changing for the better, IT IS VERY INSPIRING.


Cheers to the good life!!
You Go Girl!! Payt Payt Payt!!