I was in third year college when I took up a subject on Interpersonal Communication. I really enjoyed taking that up. Even though my schedule sucked because of that subject, it was no problem to me. Fast forward. So we had this exercise on writing a eulogy. The twist here is that, we will write a eulogy for ourselves. What's really nice about this exercise is that who will speak and what that person will say is up to us.
I can bluntly recall that while our instructor is discussing the instructions, I've only one person in mind. I knew right then and there that she is the perfect person for this Eulogy exercise. Since I am so tired of her not apologizing for every single thing she did to me and to my mom, I made her apologize to me in my eulogy. Haha.
Read on.
We grew up together but we never really got close enough to consider ourselves the best of friends. But we were close in our own special way. Zen... well, she really is a funny person. She always has this extraordinary energy, which can make you laugh even if you don't feel like laughing. I don't know where she keeps or gets it but she has it.
She was always there for me, through thick and think, in my ups and downs. She was not just a witness of my heartbreaks, escapades, happy moments, and bitter ones... she was in a way, part of it. To have Zen as a friend is such a wonderful happening in my life, that I completely know now.
We have been through a lot of rocky roads and have bumped our heads quite hardly on each bend. We've learned our lessons separately in a hard way. But I loved her. I never stopped being her friend and I just wish she knew that. At times I'd like to come to her and apologize, pride just keeps getting on my way. Even though I know that that is the only thing that she is waiting for, I didn't give it to her. I know Zen very well. I know her enough to know she has already forgiven me for all the things I've done, even without my apology.
I have hurt her in ways that I know really made her feel bad. Sometimes, I just know I ruined her day. I kept telling bad things behind her back, branching those fabricated stories altogether to come up with pathetic fat lies. She never did the same. Instead, she just kept quiet. She kept her anger in discreet and went on acting like she doesn't know anything. It frustrated me. It really, really did. I want her to be mad at me so that I can justify my wrong doings to her. Worse, I wanted to be like her.
Needless to say, she is different. She handles things differently. I envy her and thought that I must hate her because people around us kept comparing us. I have more beauty, she has more brains. But see where did all these put me? I am now bound to hate myself for being such a bitch to a friend I always knew I have. Now, it's too late to apologize. Though I know that wherever she is, she can hear me and probably can see all the bits of sincerity in me, it's still not enough. it's a cliche but if I can just really turn back time, I would be a better friend to her. I swear.
Zen, wherever you are, I am sorry... really, really sorry for everything. I missed you during the times I pretended to not know you at all. I missed you during the times I just kept on hating you... and now, I'll miss you forever.
-30-
Believe me, after this exercise, I really felt good. And hey, I got a flat one for this! :D you might want to try doing this, it's emotionally healthy.
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